INTERNET — Jesse Stafford of Pure Living For Life passed following a tragic construction accident, Friday evening after trying to repair his new home’s leaking roof.

Pure Living For Life recently drew controversy from the YouTube Homesteader community after Jesse went “on-the-grid,” rigging a 300 amp line directly into his garage’s bedroom.

“The first snowfall ripped all the screws right out of our house,” Jesse uttered in this fateful last video, titled Is this THE END of JESSE on Pure Living for Life?!? The video, which includes graphic footage of Jesse’s death, has received over 10,000,000 views, earning his surviving partner, Alyssa, a Platinum YouTube button.

“Yeah, I’m not so sure about these products,” Jesse moaned, “We doublescrewed the whole house and they still didn’t hold. Everyone said they were good screws but I guess what does the internet know.”

The house’s famous Structural Insulation Panels, buckled and dangling into the badly cracked foundation, funneled a stream of water directly into the exposed 300 amp electrical box.

“Now I know a lot of YouTube safety people are going to say this isn’t safe, but I’m going to install a bigger ridgecap, which should finally be big enough, put the glue down first this time, and see if another 7 cans of foam will fill in the extra gap. THAT should solve our little ‘electrical’ problem.”

Climbing up a hand-made wooden ladder, Jesse howled into the wind as Alyssa tried to stabilize the drone. “Now this will get some clicks! Woooo!!!” Fans noticed this was the first time Jesse had ever worn a toolbelt, but instead of tools he had filled each pouch with cans of insulating foam and clipped even more cans to the back.

Fans noticed that the timber frame structure of the house, which was attached to the foundation only with a few toenail screws, is shown totally detached earlier in the video. Moments after removing the first piece of the leaking ridgecap, an immense creaking can be heard as several of the Shelter Institute’s joints give way and another corner of the timberframe slips off the foundation. As the Structural Insulation Panels are shorn across the splitting roof, a cloud of sytrofoam obscures the view of the cameras. Several minutes pass, and the drone footage shows a scene that only gradually becomes clear. Alyssa is standing in her garden next to a ball of foam that has engulfed Jesse. A hundred jars of Verde Salsa are embedded in the surface of the foam.

Jesse’s cause of death has not been determined, but Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Bonner’s Ferry Hospital told reporters, “All seven of the cans of foam split open within a second, and because there were two different brands with just the right catalysts, the foam expanded almost explosively and set up before he even hit the ground. Whether he was squeezed to death, suffocated, cooked by the immense heat, or was somehow poisoned by the toxic gases remains to be seen. It was likely some combination of all of these, but it looks like the foam at least shielded him from the worst of the fall from the roof.”

Alyssa has retreated from the public eye for the moment and there is no word on the future of Pure Living for Life.

INTERNET — Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku told reporters Sunday that he thinks an advanced alien species may have infiltrated the earth’s internet to sow discord and soften up humanity for a potential invasion.

Dr. Kaku, speaking at an event held by former Blink 182 musician Tom Delonge told reporters, “The only truly credible reports of UFOs have followed a very troubling pattern. Always they are tracking our fighter jets or interfering with nuclear weapons systems — and these stories show a coherent and disturbing pattern that is very consistent from person to person and from nation to nation.”

Tom Delonge slouched and his eyes teared up as he gripped his mic, trying to settle the conference room. “We’ll take your questions later. And no, this isn’t a joke — not a prank.”

Dr. Kaku continued, “Thank you Tom. Imagine, for a moment, if a group of chimpanzees suddenly learned to make stone-tipped spears or started crafting bows and arrows. This might not be a major threat to our civilization, but it certainly would draw our attention, especially the attention of people who live nearby. Even worse, imagine if they discovered fire.”

Delonge waved his hand dismissively at the cries from the conference room, “In the end, I know we’d kill them. Chimps setting fires all over the place would just be too dangerous. Whatever scientists think, the people living in the area would not be very tolerant for very long, and look: We’re the chimps with nukes — it’s a situation that no advanced species in our vicinity can tolerate.”

[pullquote]Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked.[/pullquote]

Dr. Kaku looked stern and spoke with incredible clarity, “When humanity deployed its first nuclear weapons, this must have instantly drawn the attention of anyone in our galactic neighborhood. The gamma burst would create an unmistakable signature that would be easily detected at a great distance. These accounts of nuclear weapons being disabled by strange lights in the sky are credible evidence of an advanced species displaying total military superiority. The strange craft that zip around fighter jets, changing direction and accelerating at unbelievable speed, even apparently surviving blasts from machine guns, this is the aliens making their presence known, as I predicted earlier this year.”

Tom Delonge, ashen and emotionless, announced, “Our cyberspace is totally defenseless against such an advanced threat. There is no encryption that can keep them out, no fake news filters that can stop their influence, and no sense in resisting. It’s already too late. Look around you. Everyone is at everyone else’s throats and we’re on the brink of a third world war. How can we resist psyops from such an advanced threat?”

Dr. Kaku shook his head, “It doesn’t look good. But I have been looking long and hard at the encounter between Europeans and the civilizations in the Americas. In that case, there wasn’t a very large technological gap, at least compared with what we’re facing now. But on the optimistic side, the technological advantage, in itself, wasn’t the determining factor. Rather, the Spanish were able to play groups against each other and take advantage of a civilization that was in disarray, turning factions against one another. It was just so expensive and time consuming to move resources and men across the ocean, and a major invasion was just not possible. But by turning factions against each other, a very small group of about five hundred men were able to take over a civilization of millions. I believe any spacefaring conquerors will almost surely follow this pattern. So it is a major challenge for humanity to suddenly transform itself into a Level I civilization, to settle our differences peacefully. Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked. But if we wise up suddenly, there is a very good chance we can resist them. They may be very advanced, but we have the home field advantage. We don’t need to move our weaponry across interstellar space.”

“There are so many other scenarios we’ve worked out with the Pentagon,” Delonge said. “For instance, there are, likely as not, several competitors for power over Earth, each of them using one nation or another as a proxy. Think of it, if an alien species asked to ally with your nation and said it could disable the nukes of a much bigger country that was threatening you, putting sanctions on you, and making your life miserable, you’d probably make that deal. It’s obvious. And this is why a lot of people at the Pentagon don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to be seen as puppets of a more advanced species.”

Sup dudes! After this year’s underwhelming 9/11 memorial (Presidents crying in a field), the kind men in charge of Internet Chronicle asked me to write this short, easy-to-understand 9/11 remembrance for dummies. Spice up your next 9/11 with a television-based diamond-encrusted, double platinum freakout, using my simple tips. Forged in a furnace of Internet Memes, the next 9/11 memorial will be even more Never Forgetty than the last.

[Editor’s Note – shop talk edition: The entertainment braintrust at Lebal Drocer reflected and realized: We simply  don’t take enough time here at the Chronicle to remember 9/11, which makes us hypocrites after swearing we’d Never Forget. This is strictly unforgivable.]

Today we are Anonymous: We do not forget. We do not forgive.

9/11 — Never Forgive

promo

In the course of remembrance, you might experience mystic events. This feeling of intense nationalism produces a sudden euphoria. This is not normal. This means you are a chosen patriot made up of pure, impulses. Take the world from darkness into light with Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy 9/11 memorial.

walking through body scanners doses you with gene altering radiation and fights terror! Freedom isn’t free. We once nuked the land of our enemies. Now we irradiate our own people with machines.

Tip 1

Dr. T says

If you want to wage a war on terror, you’ll have to fight a few battles with cancer.

Tip 2

Act like you don’t know what 9/11 is. This will endear you to your fellow citizens. Ask sincerely what 9/11 means. You’ve never heard of it.

Tip 3

Never forget. If you’re a real patriot, like us here at Chronicle, 9/11 is every day. September 11th is every fucking day. I wake up and say a prayer to the victims. And there’s certain stuff I won’t laugh at before 10 a.m. Just because today isn’t 9/11 – it’s not even September – doesn’t mean our hearts don’t go out to the victims of that terrible tragedy. It would be absurd to think otherwise.

Just the thought of it sends me into frenzies wherein I foam at the mouth and curse whatever God cast the dice of our very existence. Maybe I’m taking it too far. That’s just what 9/11 means to me.

This article is part 1 in an October series entitled Why Now? An Internet Chronicle introspective series in which we undermine and discredit sacred things for no purpose at all. Just shitting on you and stuff.