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Gangstalkers being used to suppress Russian trolls

Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.
Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.

MOSCOW–Americans wary of Russian trolls meddling in their social media need not worry. A mercurial group known loosely as ‘gangstalkers’ have reportedly shown up at targeted individuals’ workplaces, homes, and churches to menace individual Russian trolls rumored to operate dozens of accounts per day from a single computer.

Insider reports coming out of Russian troll farms in Moscow mostly involve the trademark sudden appearance of gangstalkers outside the homes and offices of the Russian trolls controlling our democracy.

Gangstalkers are even said to appear unannounced in public places like department stores and supermarkets to harass or intimidate victims. But is the group guided by a conscious force?

Do you even know what is going on in this country?

Russian trolls use all manner of virtual machines, VPNs and onion routing to disguise their activity from Twitter and make their traffic appear convincing to third-party network audits. For too long Russian trolls were allowed to poison America’s media diet with propaganda. Gangstalkers noticed, and began a full-scale assault on trolls by targeting individuals associated with troll farming in Russia.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is a former gangstalker and public speaker after retiring in the late 90s. Troubadour now describes his tactics to a small class of about 12 aspiring gangstalkers at the University of Lebal Drocer in Boulder, Colorado.

“No matter what you’re interested in, you got to be a little obsessive,” Troubadour told Chronicle in a phone interview Wednesday. “Whether it’s anime, or ejaculating on miniature anime figurines, or ordering plastic surgery to look like your favorite ecchi star, you’ve got to be just a little bit obsessive to get into this gangstalking stuff.”

Troubadour, a 49-year-old father of two, once spent hours each sleepless night scouring social media to unmask and harass Russian troll operatives popping up on his Facebook feed. Now, he just talks about it like an old burnout.

You used to be somebody, Troubadour. Now look at you. Smarmy cunt. Because a classroom full of college students thinks you’re funny, that must mean you’re a complete man, now, huh? You “made it” didn’t you? The fuck outta here. “Experts” are “Ex-” used to be somebodies. Now you’re nothing.

Real Gangstalkers: Call Radio Hate tonight at midnight EST to talk to HATESEC LIVE at (917) 675-4836. Internet Chronicle wants to hear your gangstalking stories and bloopers. We want to hear from YOU – the fucking losers in this world.

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Newly discovered cave paintings depict ancient lives of intense boredom

It was not all that long ago that fire and wildlife meant everything to mankind. And just because we’re not into that boring shit anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still pretend to appreciate 35,000-year-old cave paintings in this news article.

Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.
Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.

Before seamless.com all humans sustained themselves through hunting, fishing or gathering (get a phone, Cro-Magnons!), according to Dr. Mann Lee Troubadox of the Lebal Drocer Institute for Cellular Data Technology. Troubadox, with his team of nameless indigenous children, recently discovered a swathe of cave paintings that revealed just how boring life was before the newly-refined iPhone X.

“We listened to consumers and wish to assure you the new features contained in the iPhone X Plus will piss on Samsung’s barbaric emoji keyboard, as Calvin would defiantly piss upon a Ford icon or – if you’re a Jeff Gordon fan – a Chevrolet bow-tie,” Troubadox said. “My team attempted to downvote every painting on the cave walls, whether it was for a lack of attention to important details, or the artist failed to capture the  aesthetic that a Snapchat filter might’ve offered – or for other reasons – like if the painting was offensive, off-topic, or painted in the wrong sub-cave.”

While the Android world is making strides every day in camera technology, it took hundreds of thousands of years for cave paintings to move away from uninteresting tales about hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and into cool shit like marking the sudden appearances of supernovae: star explosions that were once inaccurately attributed to God, before woke cave painters like Banksy could hear Carl Sagan auto-tuned.

Even a star exploding in the daytime sky looks boring when painted on a dank cave interior. Pics or it didn't happen!
Even a star exploding in the daytime sky looks boring when painted on a dank cave interior. Pics or it didn’t happen!

Though we are likely two months out from seeing the next iPhone, Troubadox and his team are working tirelessly to scan and publish cave paintings, as if they are even remotely worth looking at when there’s so much cool stuff happening right now on Instagram.

“Instagram pictures aren’t just square, anymore. The introduction of rectangles to the platform has revolutionized the way people share,” Troubadox said. “We hope to recreate some of these paintings for upload to Instagram where they can be dismissed with the same apathy as the uninspired, insipid, low-resolution shit already on there. We want these cave paintings treated like pictures of your slutty friends and stuff. Jerk off to them, and move on.”

“Did you see that guy do a sick loop in his stolen commercial airliner before committing suicide?” writes a reddit user. “Press F to pay respects.”

The caves, after being documented, will be demolished to make way for a planned 2021 extension to the Short Pump Mall in Richmond, Virginia.

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Terror at 8chan after Hotwheels goes missing

Hotwheels gone dark

Is he leaving #QAnon stuck with the bill?

Hotwheels, the operator of an alternative imageboard generator, has gone missing after reports surfaced that Frederick Brennan – an intellectual powerhouse – is the engine propelling #QAnon and shepherds The Message all the way to the President’s rallies in Numbnuts, Florida.

[pullquote]They were smart people, because they were on acid. You have to have a god damn PhD in Chemistry just to take that stuff.

Dr. Armstrong H. Troudabour[/pullquote]

The disappearance, while newsworthy, is unsurprising.

Brennan participates in the imageboards created on his platform, and has indicated in the past plans to escape off the grid, “should the axe ever come down.”

The axe is fallen, mon frere. Release the second report!

Anyone with information relating to Brennan’s whereabouts are urged to contact the Internet Chronicle News Desk, at (917) 675-4836. Warning: He is dangerous. He is a walking weapon.

Read the #QAnon report here first: The #QAnon Report II — What Will the President Do?

comin at ya from the underground

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