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Christopher Nemelka: My Guardian Angel

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When Internet Chronicle reader, Marilyn Blake, of Cuthbert, Georgia, was suffering from gross ignorance, her guardian angel came to her aid! She writes:

I’ve always been in perfect health, so I was devastated when, after a regular checkup, doctors diagnosed me with breast cancer. The doctors told me that I needed to undergo surgery post-haste!

The procedure went well – lopped off both my tits – but my recovery took longer than anticipated because after being discharged from the hospital, I found myself unable to sleep for more than 12 or 16 hours at a time, as I am wont to do. I was overwhelmed with fear that my titty cancer would return, even though I no longer have breasts. The less I slept, the more paranoid I became. I am such a woman![pullquote]When I prayed for help, Christopher Nemelka came to my bedside, saying he doesn’t need Anonymous, or his fucking wife![/pullquote]

One night, after tossing and turning for hours, I got out of bed and went into the kitchen for a cup of tea. An hour or so later, I went back to my room, and as I lay down and closed my eyes, I cried out, “God, please help me to sleep–I feel fucking retarded right now. Oh my God!”

Suddenly, I felt a presence in the room. Slowly opening my eyes, I saw a man dressed in white with a gentle smile and sleepy eyes standing at the foot of my bed! He seemed to be talking to someone behind me, saying: “If we wrap a length of pantyhose around her arm, and inject her with heroin, this advanced human will sleep soundly.”

The next thing I remember was feeling as though I’d been placed into my mother’s arms. Sleep came to me like a best friend, and I sank into the softness of her arms.

Many days later, I awoke to find myself covered from my neck to toes in a glaze of semen. The love of our Lord! I called for my husband and asked if he had came buckets over me in the night, but he hadn’t. Suddenly, I remembered the man in white and knew that God had sent Christopher Nemelka to help me.

Since that time, I have slept peacefully every night and fully recovered from the cancer. Sometimes, when I meditate on that moment, I can still see the man in white with bloodshot eyes, and I know he is my guardian angel.

“How fortunate Marilyn is to have seen, felt and been injected by her guardian angel!” says Angstrom Troubadour, Ph.D. “We all have personal angels by our side, watching over and caring for us. For me, that angel is Ronald Reagan. All we need to do is ask for their help, as Marilyn did. After all, much like the free market, God and the angels can’t intervene into our free will–we must invite their help.

“There’s an old spiritual saying: ‘Do not stand at the foot of the bed of an ill person, for that location is reserved for Christopher Nemelka, and his new book The Lone and Dreary World, available wherever books are sold.’ Marilyn’s story reminds me of this, with her newly single guardian angel (Nemelka’s wife and kids just don’t get what being an angel is all about) dutifully injecting her with heroin and dilaudid.

“Whenever you are having trouble sleeping, pray to Nemelka, like Marilyn did. The angels may not use a physical opiate to comfort you, but they definitely will blanket you with their love.”

“Nemelka says: I don’t need my wife, my soon-to-be ex wife!  Why bother with the expectations of relationships?!  Hell yeah!  SPEND MY TIME AND MONEY ON ME!'”

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YOUTUBER BULLIES CHILDREN AT LIVE EVENT

Yousef Saleh Erakat, or the Internet cry baby we all know and love, Fouseytube.
Yousef Saleh Erakat, or the Internet cry baby we all know and love, Fouseytube.

On September 10th 2016 “Fouseytube” kicked an innocent little 10 year old leafy fan off stage for just saying his name. Aren’t you 26 Fousey? Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be picking on little kids for your hatred of someone else?

Earlier in the night a different boy who was 13 went on stage (for some reason they have a stage for a youtuber) who Fouseytube called up and asked, “Who’s your favorite youtuber champ?” while tussling his hair and beaming his signature smile.

The 13 year old smiled too, as he answered, “Leafy!”

Color drained from Fouseytube’s face, looking as if he crapped his pants at the mention of the name leafy.

The grown man looked down at the little boy, saying, “Don’t you ever say that again. That mans words have not only emotionally abused me, but mentally, too. Never mention that name again or I will kick your 13 year old ass.”

So let’s get back to that 10-year-old: So he called him up and the boy just says 3 little words that just trigger Fouseytube those words where LEAFY IS HERE.

In an explosion of anger, the grown man yelled, “Get off my stage, you piece of garbage,” and shoved the boy.

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Melania Trump files for divorce

Melania Trump filed for divorce Sunday, hours before the town hall debate
Melania Trump filed for divorce Sunday, hours before the town hall debate

INTERNET — Melania Trump filed divorce papers Sunday, following the surfacing of explicit tapes vividly displaying husband and presidential nominee Donald Trump’s adulterous and lecherous depravity. Trump jokingly admitted that he joyously molested women and committed adultery in audio clips that will be played on repeat until the election in November. Melania’s divorce comes just hours before the nominee takes the stage at the town hall debate in St. Louis.

Despite the increasingly impossible odds facing Trump as he struggles to hold onto voters who pride themselves in family values, his alt-right partisans continue to cling to maniacal right wing clickbait, some even making the racist suggestion that such proud molestation will only help Trump gain minority voters. Others in the alt-right also touted WikiLeaks’ curious disclosures that purportedly show Hillary as an undercover conservative. This may damage Trump further, as disgusted Republican families — and his own wife — look for any escape.

The absurd eschatological pitch for Republican victory in which a Democratic victory is seen as the end to the United States is under strain by a more basic demand for human decency and presidential character. High profile Republican politicians are at long last bailing on Trump. As the establishment begins to see Trump’s campaign as increasingly doomed, cutting losses to save downballot votes is the unthinkable but strategically acceptable losing move for more and more Republicans. Inside the campaign, however, the mad necessity to salvage the phony end-of-America hook means Trump must depict Hillary as equally depraved as himself. Now facing a divorce over his admissions of adultery and sex assault, his defensive mudslinging will almost surely backfire so explosively that not only will the presidency be lost for Republicans, but so will congress. The push back from Republicans appears to be too little too late. But perhaps not. After all, it’s not too late for Melania to divorce the monster.