Category: News

INTERNET — Famed chemist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador synthesized the world’s first industrial batch of the newly discovered room temperature superconductor LK-99.

“I’m etching the LK-99 6522 chips right now, and they’re insane man. This 8-bit chip from 1975 will compute about as fast as a top chip on the market, thanks to this new material,” Dr. Troubador laughed, “And it barely uses any electricity at all!”

Popping the indistinct grey chip into the back of a Commander X16, Dr. Troubador said, “The software and much of the hardware to allow an 8-bit machine to do the same tricks as a modern PC don’t exist, but I’ve ported a fully functioning Minecraft over using ChatGPT5.”

He grinned at the cameras as the modified Commander X16 booted directly into a fluid, beautiful Minecraft realm. The mouse and keyboard movements felt snappy and connected, in the way that only old computers can. “Do you know how fast we’re clocking the CPU? This thing is up in the Terahertz! And you wanna know what’s funny? What energy doesn’t go to computing is almost entirely emanated in T-waves. T-Waves! I’m already tearing down the T-wave gap, probably triggering a double technological paradigm shift.”

David Murray, creator of the Commander X16, will soon be richer than both Bill Gates and Elon Musk combined, thanks to the chips printed by Dr. Troubador. His Commander X16 computer provides a modernized 8-bit architecture which is optimally suited for adapting the new LK-99 terahertz chips from Lebal Drocer.

“It’s going to be some time before we can print a more detailed chip,” Troubador said, “Years, at the very least. So I suppose all current computers are now basically obsolete energy wasters, and we’ll go back to 8 bits for a while, or tie these onto the side as a co-processor for existing systems. But whatever, it’s hilarious how fast I can adapt software with ChatGPT5 doing all the tedious work.”

INTERNET — Bewildered internet denizens shrugged as congress questioned a series of dubious “UFO whistleblowers” who have been promoted entirely by Tom DeLonge’s pro-UFO public relations firm, To The Stars Media.

Commentators worry that all this alien crap was a ploy to hype funding for American weapons manufacturing, or to intimidate foreign nations by suggesting the military has alien guns, such as the alien sniper rifle from N64’s hit shooter, Perfect Dark. However, there are no reports of soldiers, officers, or government officials being sniped through armored concrete bunkers with x-ray vision rail guns. Meanwhile, the Americans are the ones suffering from group-psychotic panic episodes known as “Havana Syndrome,” thanks to a rumor that ex-KGB agents have cobbled a superweapon together out of household appliances.

More reasonable minds, such as Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, noted, “Anyone who read this stuff would have instantly realized the so-called UFO disclosure was only clickbait, and the claims of the whistleblowers were taken whole cloth from a variety of Will Smith movies.”

But The Fresh Prince already slapped himself out of the game, and while Hollywood writers may be on the brink of getting a better deal, they will likely never see a cent out of this congressional hearing. 90’s pop punk icon Tom DeLonge, however, had T-Shirts printed up ahead of time:

“The UFO Hearings today made history,” Tom wrote. “I am so proud of the three witnesses today that blew the lid off the UFO secrecy that has been intact for decades. Graves, Fravor and Grusch are HEROES. I appreciated the shout-out during the hearing, but so many were involved with @tothestars.media to make this happen. Get your shirt now, and remember that we at To The Stars changed the world.”

 

Speaking to The Independent, the blink frontman also proudly enthused: “Everything that is happening right now is 100 per cent because of To The Stars. I mean, I’ve known this, and my guys know this… we really feel, in our company, we’ve really changed the course of the world.”

There is no military funding behind this. There are no feds, no spooks, no corporation with some ulterior motive. But on the surface, it resembles a psyop. When a psyop is carried out merely for the amusement of the perpetrator, and no one really has much more to gain from it, it’s called a gayop. There are also no aliens, at least in this story. There are only Tom DeLonge’s gayops.

Harvard alien-hunter Avi Loeb’s team of scientists and submersible experts searched the bottom of the ocean to find some titanium alloy dust originating from an item astronomers observed moving at an incredible speed towards earth and breaking up extremely low in the atmosphere. The natural conclusion that the militarization of space is well underway and that his specks of dust come from a satellite-destroying kinetic weapon might make headlines even starker than the bit about aliens, but Loeb is a man possessed with an alien obsession. Just like Tom Delonge, at the end of the road everything becomes an alien evangelizing about aliens.

Or maybe not! Watch the fuck out for that guy from Harvard. He’s far more likely to be running interference for the orbital railgun emplacements than Blink 182.

Empire of Dirt

 TL;DR: One half star awarded for the creepy whispering and sniffing of food behind Cobra’s back. Avoid this fake documentary unless you really love the kind of cringe that’s barely fun.

[pullquote]”Somehow worse than anything I’ve ever seen on KingCobraJFS” ~ Ozzy Osbourne[/pullquote]

I’d never heard of the YouTuber “YourFavoriteSon,” but after only a few minutes of Empire of Dirt, he became my least favorite documentary filmmaker. Look on the bright side, fangirls. Buried somewhere inside this nearly three hour travesty there is some shaky high definition footage of KingCobraJFS singing at karaoke night!

“Cobes” jokes, sings, drinks, cooks, shreds guitar, and comments on politics, consistently hitting sour notes somewhere between Mitch Hedberg and GG Allin. The self-described “gothic bad boy” casts spells and crafts wands from his apartment in Casper, Wyoming. But you’ll have to strain to gather even that much lore from this steaming pile of abject camerawork, botched editing, and insipid clout-chasing commentary.

After spending five days in Casper, the crack team of documentary filmmakers somehow made a film that’s drastically less entertaining than even Cobes’ worst three hour live stream. Not only is this film a tremendous wasted opportunity, but the cringe is so unhinged that one only fears for the life of YourFavoriteSon as the SWAT team shuffles by King Cobra’s webcam.

An interrogation-style interview with the Mayor of Casper reveals the big surprise that nobody in the city has ever heard of King Cobra. Many tedious and pointless segments serve only to dispel the aura of “Cobra’s Casper,” boosting the city as a great place for young adults to raise a traditional family in the outdoors.

The greater bulk of the documentary is a surreal interview with completely out of sync audio, pressing an arc depicting Cobra’s “decline,” even as his YouTube channel is seeing some of its most explosive growth to date. King Cobra is currently in negotiations with Sam Hyde for an appearance on the popular Fishtank streaming house.

This idea that Cobra is somehow a man in decline, caught in “thought loops” and substance abuse is just not reasonable, no matter how much stupid psychobabble the narrator delivers. In its final analysis, the film utterly fails to explain why Cobra is so fascinating, with the narrator flatly declaring Cobra a spectacle because, get this, he is a spectacle. At best, the fumbling teenage fangirl HAZZIIBABII says, “We all live such normal lives … you get to see what like — in their lives — I don’t know how to explain it.”

A lolcow like King Cobra is a close analog to a grotesque, or a type of character in gothic literature typically included to reveal the hidden monstrosity of all humanity. But King Cobra is only a fictional character in as far as Josh Saunders (Cobra’s legal name) has contrived. There is indeed some fine performance art at play, along the lines of Andy Kaufman’s Tony Clifton, leaving the viewer’s sense of reality both shocked and unresolved. It should be no wonder that those who believe Cobra to only be a drunken fool in decline do not themselves understand why they are religiously watching his YouTube.

Empire of dirt plugs its own shitty t-shirt designed just for the documentary, as if it is some desperate touring metal band taking a quick break. The filmmakers cower in fear, whispering behind Cobra’s back while taking creepy whiffs of his cooking. When the police warn Cobra off from a grocery store for trespassing, the cameraman hides in the passenger seat, filming the potential arrest from the perspective of a trapped child. A handful of shots only show the back of Cobra’s shoulder, as if the documentary crew are pissing themselves while filming Darth Vader. Watching this pile of shit, a supposed documentary, I began to get the sense that maybe King Cobra really is a powerful sorcerer, and that he has indeed enslaved these trolls using powerful magic and handcrafted wands. Maybe in just a few years he really will be livestreaming from the top of a clocktower dreamhouse.