Categories
Entertainment Obituaries

Rapper XXXTentacion found ALIVE after faking his own death to promote latest album ‘No Pulse’

Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal "X" is "laying low" until his court dates blow over.
Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal “X” is “laying low” until court dates blow over.

MIAMI, Fla. — New documents suggest depression-rapper XXXTentacion is alive and well after a mass media freakout blew a promotional stunt out of proportion this week.

The 20-year-old raper, whose real name is Jahseh Onfroy, was thought to have been gunned down in a Florida robbery.

Authorities said Onfroy was leaving a vape shop shortly before 4 p.m. when two men in a dark SUV shot and killed him.

Although he has not been heard from since the incident, phone records from the victim in the car – apparently a die-hard fan – suggest the murder was set-up and agreed upon by all parties involved.

The coroner’s report uncovered a digital contract found on an iPhone X belonging to the deceased look-alike in Onfroy’s car. The contract, they said, promised to make the death look as much like a hit on Onfroy himself as possible, and records on the phone show a history of bitcoin payments to dark web contract killers hired to do the job. The suspects are still at large.

At the time of the faking of his death, XXXTentacion was awaiting trial for beating his pregnant girlfriend, another stunt his publicist hoped would bring even more attention to the lackluster album’s release.

“XXXTentacion knew beating his girlfriend would bum a lot of people out, like when they heard Kanye supported Trump,” Mike Rogers, Onfroy’s publicist said. “And just like with Kanye, many suspected X’s attempts to cause his girlfriend to miscarry were efforts to promote his upcoming album, ‘No Pulse.’ The media – who don’t understand X – also don’t understand just how far X is willing to go to please his adoring fans.” Rogers winked to an unseen camera.

Because beating pregnant women left a bad taste in even his most ardent fans’ mouths, before faking his death, Onfroy made sure to publish an Instagram Live video in which he talks about how he wants to be “remembered.”

If worse thing comes to worst, and I f—ing die or some s— and I’m not able to see out my dreams, I at least want to know that the kids perceived my message and were able to make something of themselves and able to take my message and use it and turn it into something positive and to at least have a good life.

Since only a handful of tracks from “No Pulse” have been released so far, X is laying low until his court dates are forgotten, or the public forgives him: whichever comes last.

“Dude beats pregnant chicks, but look how people love him!”

Categories
Obituaries

David Cross dead at 53

ATLANTA – Fans mourn the tragic, untimely demise of David Cross, beloved comedian and creator of Todd Margaret, Mr. Show, and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cross passed away from toxic shock after his vas deferens blew out, poisoning his bloodstream with a deadly mixture of semen proteins.

In case you're blind and reading this, this is a picture of Bob Odenkirk. | David Cross recently published a video in which he named all the people on Alvin and the Chipmunks with whom he was NOT angry.
David Cross recently published a video in which he named all the people on Alvin and the Chipmunks with whom he was NOT angry. In an unrelated incident, his vas deferens catastrophically exploded.

Bangstrum Trodman of Lebal Drocer Pharmacological Treatment and Testing Center said Mr. Cross was alone in his hotel room when he experienced an unusual orgasm and called the front desk for help.

He ejaculated so forcefully that it ruptured his vas deferens, Trodman said, and because of his celebrity he had to be rushed to some $5 clinic on the outside of town where he thought no one could find him.

While still hard, Cross was loaded into an ambulance outside with a towel over his face, presumably to deflect the shame of being photographed by the permanent camp of paparazzi who follow famous people, wealthy priests, and other degenerates like that. Little did it matter, Cross was dead within minutes.

“Problem is,” Trodman said to reporters outside, “Leading up to this, he was shooting smack clean into the base of his cock. You ever seen anybody do this? It’s insane, this guy’s taint!”

Trodman said a combination of heroin and cocaine repeatedly injected into the performer’s groin compromised the structural integrity of his vas deferens, until after some time it degenerated, and ultimately collapsed in those final moments of unbridled pleasure heard on the 911 tapes.

As indicated in his will, Cross’ remaining assets, along with his many millions of dollars in Mr. Show royalties from HBO, will be disbursed to CHARM, a children’s charity promoted by Creed frontman Scott Stapp. It looks like one of those scam charities no one thinks about.

“A lot of people don’t know this but Mr. Cross loved Creed,” says Mark Buchanan, Cross’ childhood friend. “We would be getting shit-hammered, and he’d be so drunk I don’t even know if he knew what he was doing, but he would tell everybody in the car, ‘Put on Creed! Play those gospel jams!’ And we did, and he loved every minute of it. God bless you, David.”

Categories
News Obituaries

Chronicle publisher puts gun to head demanding ‘freedom of death.’ What happens next will leave you howling!

BOSTON – Police responded to a grisly crime scene at the home of paranoid, isolated Lebal Drocer founding executive Raleigh Theodore Sakers, Internet Chronicle learned early Wednesday morning. This comes after Chronicle learned of a dangerous plot designed by Sakers to drive away readership in a grotesque act of self-sabotage.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange “leaked” an intercepted affiliate email from Sakers, the aging and senile publisher-in-hiding of the Internet shock site Internet Chronicle. In the unsent letter, Sakers transcribed wretched and evil thoughts as they rang throughout his head like gunshots in the night:

FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING. FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WEBSITE. GET OUT OF HERE. LEAVE. GOOGLE: FUCKING LEAVE. TWITTER. YOUTUBE. ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING OUT. I AM THE DEVIL, AND I’M FUCKING IN.

Hey, take your 280 on the way out. and while we’re at it, I don’t need your 140 either. SNIVELING RAT BASTARDS! Why, if you worked in my office right now, I wouldn’t even abuse my power to sexually COERCE YOU.

Alright now, that’s it. Get the fuck out. Get the absolute fuck out of my office, right now. You’re fired. I quit. This whole thing is over.

DO YOU HEAR ME I’M FUCKING FINISHED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? IT’S OVER. GO THE FUCK HOME. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR BEDS. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR HOUSES. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS WALLOWING IN THE MIRE AT GROUND ZERO, AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING. DO YOU GET ME?

THIS WHOLE FUCKING SITE IS A SCAM. A BLEAK CHARADE! YOU’RE BEING LIED TO! YOU’RE DOGS, YOU’RE PIGS, AND YOU’RE SHEEP! YOU’RE FUCKIN ANIMALS!

THEY BATTLED FOR NET NEUTRALITY …. what, you think that’s about you and me? IT WASN’T FOR YOU AND ME – THEY FOUGHT FOR THE POWER TO CONTROL YOU AND ME FIRST. THEY WANTED IT FIRST! NO GOVERNMENT, NOR UTILITY, SHALL CONTROL THE SHIT WE LIKE SHARE AND SEE — OH THEY WANTED TO — BUT NO, BECAUSE GOOGLE WANTED IT FIRST AND GOOGLE HAS DESIGNS AGAINST YOU AND ME, AND THIS HERE WEBSITE YOU’RE READING. NOW GET OUT, THEY KNOW YOU’RE READING IT! GET OUT. THEY KNOW. THE JIG IS UP. IT’S OVER. I said get the fuck out.

THIS IS FINISHED, DO YOU HEAR ME!

Assange holds a copy of the letter in his hands for cameras, which are pointed at all times into his embassy balcony nest, and a teardrop hits the page. He looks up to see the cameras are not on. They’re not even there. He needed a leak and he needed it fast.

Assange called Internet Chronicle at 3:27 a.m. That’s when we learned the wealthy Mr. Sakers was holed up in his office with a revolver to his head, threatening to destroy the world.

Somebody yelled out, “Raleigh, no!”

dr troubadour
“It was fucked up,” said Dr. Troubadour.

Dr. Troubadour, who is a real doctor, was at the scene but because he was on LSD, he wasn’t working in any official capacity at that time, so he was just taking bong hits while Assange put on his pony show for invisible demons rampaging outside.

“He was being such a drag,” Troubadour said. “It was bumming me out, and it was fucking with everybody else at Chronicle, too. Why would our creator destroy us? We ought to seize the means and fire HIM. Also Assange looked pathetic.”

Troubadour said the whole scene was pretty fucked up in the end, but he said whatever happens, happens. He is cool either way. At least he showed up. He even brought a bunch of other people with him.

It was pretty funny.