Category: Obituaries

Another one bites the dust

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Obituaries

Qanon Dead at Clinton Pizza Party #TheStormHasSettled

INTERNET — Hillary Clinton’s famous bodyguard and Q-Clearance Intelligence Agent “Q Anon”, known for leaking secret information, or “crumbs,” to an audience of millions of devotees, died Friday following a fatal priapism in Washington DC.

‘Q’, as his fans know him, suddenly lost consciousness when his penis ruptured from a prolonged erection while standing guard at one of Hillary’s famous “Pizza Parties” for Democrat elites.

Bill Clinton, who first found ‘Q’ passed out on the floor in a puddle of blood, said, “I saw him a layin’ there bleeding out of his crotch, so I ripped his pants off. It looked like Elmer Fudd’s Shotgun, after Bugs Bunny stuck his finger in it. His member banana peeled and the blood was just rolling out. That’s when I called the paramedics in.”

Hillary expressed her condolences, but registered shock upon learning one of her bodyguards was indeed the man behind the mysterious Q Anon phenomenon, telling reporters, “It’s kind of sad how Q never ate any pizza. All he did was hang around the edge of the party, messing around on his phone, sniffing the pizza crumbs.”

Bill told reporters about his attempts to resuscitate Q, “They said he might’ve split his cock on his own, ahead of time, as some kind of masochist type sex play, or possibly he was injecting silicone to keep it artificially erect. They did their best but it was just too swollen up. Burst open and mushed like an overripe tomato. Nothin’ they could do to seal it up.”

The bitter funk of QAnon’s failure to challenge mainstream media or affect positive change of any kind, before his death, is palpable.

Darcy Klebold escorts “fake news” reporters off of her prop’ty.

Fans, expected to mourn the loss of their prophet, were “not happy.”

Darcy Klebold of Indiana, 56, told reporters, “We were promised Mueller would lock Hillary up. We were told there would be releases, and leaks, and documents dropping like anvils. We were promised our own, pure pizza party, one that protects our children and isn’t smeared with their adrenichrone.”

Darcy barked angrily at reporters. “Fake News!” and produced a tissue to wipe her terrified child’s tearful eyes, while photographing him with her smartphone.

[pullquote]Like and subscribe for more information on how Qanon’s death erased happiness from my life.

–Darcy Klebold, single mom

[/pullquote]
“Do you see what you fake news bandits have done to me and my family?” Darcy asked. “No seriously. Have you seen it? My social media’s BIG. I’m gonna #MAGA even if Q’s another fake news trick. Now #WalkAway from my broken family! And check out my little angel on Pinterest.”

“Soros is killin everyone, one by one, and he’s undoing all of Q’s big plans. My little boy’s going to grow up to be a GOOD BOY. You’ll see. I’ve taught him how to SHOOT. He’s gonna get that George Soros one day, mark my words. And ain’t NO elites gonna eat his pineal gland out of his head at none of their Satanic Pizza Parties.”

Darcy, throwing her child to the floor, produced a double barrel shotgun and demanded Internet Chronicle reporters leave the premises of her home.

“Soros is killing everyone, and he won’t take my BABY!” Darcy fired two shots into her ceiling. Indiana Regional Medical Center reported young Jerry Klebold was treated for ruptured eardrums the following day.

Q’s death has sent ripples of hatred and fear through the shattered conspiracy community, Lionel Nation told his viewers, “Our cogitations and rogations are with the friends and forebears of QAnonymous. Today the storm has settled.”

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Entertainment Obituaries

Rapper XXXTentacion found ALIVE after faking his own death to promote latest album ‘No Pulse’

Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal "X" is "laying low" until his court dates blow over.
Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal “X” is “laying low” until court dates blow over.

MIAMI, Fla. — New documents suggest depression-rapper XXXTentacion is alive and well after a mass media freakout blew a promotional stunt out of proportion this week.

The 20-year-old raper, whose real name is Jahseh Onfroy, was thought to have been gunned down in a Florida robbery.

Authorities said Onfroy was leaving a vape shop shortly before 4 p.m. when two men in a dark SUV shot and killed him.

Although he has not been heard from since the incident, phone records from the victim in the car – apparently a die-hard fan – suggest the murder was set-up and agreed upon by all parties involved.

The coroner’s report uncovered a digital contract found on an iPhone X belonging to the deceased look-alike in Onfroy’s car. The contract, they said, promised to make the death look as much like a hit on Onfroy himself as possible, and records on the phone show a history of bitcoin payments to dark web contract killers hired to do the job. The suspects are still at large.

At the time of the faking of his death, XXXTentacion was awaiting trial for beating his pregnant girlfriend, another stunt his publicist hoped would bring even more attention to the lackluster album’s release.

“XXXTentacion knew beating his girlfriend would bum a lot of people out, like when they heard Kanye supported Trump,” Mike Rogers, Onfroy’s publicist said. “And just like with Kanye, many suspected X’s attempts to cause his girlfriend to miscarry were efforts to promote his upcoming album, ‘No Pulse.’ The media – who don’t understand X – also don’t understand just how far X is willing to go to please his adoring fans.” Rogers winked to an unseen camera.

Because beating pregnant women left a bad taste in even his most ardent fans’ mouths, before faking his death, Onfroy made sure to publish an Instagram Live video in which he talks about how he wants to be “remembered.”

If worse thing comes to worst, and I f—ing die or some s— and I’m not able to see out my dreams, I at least want to know that the kids perceived my message and were able to make something of themselves and able to take my message and use it and turn it into something positive and to at least have a good life.

Since only a handful of tracks from “No Pulse” have been released so far, X is laying low until his court dates are forgotten, or the public forgives him: whichever comes last.

“Dude beats pregnant chicks, but look how people love him!”

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Obituaries

David Cross dead at 53

ATLANTA – Fans mourn the tragic, untimely demise of David Cross, beloved comedian and creator of Todd Margaret, Mr. Show, and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cross passed away from toxic shock after his vas deferens blew out, poisoning his bloodstream with a deadly mixture of semen proteins.

In case you're blind and reading this, this is a picture of Bob Odenkirk. | David Cross recently published a video in which he named all the people on Alvin and the Chipmunks with whom he was NOT angry.
David Cross recently published a video in which he named all the people on Alvin and the Chipmunks with whom he was NOT angry. In an unrelated incident, his vas deferens catastrophically exploded.

Bangstrum Trodman of Lebal Drocer Pharmacological Treatment and Testing Center said Mr. Cross was alone in his hotel room when he experienced an unusual orgasm and called the front desk for help.

He ejaculated so forcefully that it ruptured his vas deferens, Trodman said, and because of his celebrity he had to be rushed to some $5 clinic on the outside of town where he thought no one could find him.

While still hard, Cross was loaded into an ambulance outside with a towel over his face, presumably to deflect the shame of being photographed by the permanent camp of paparazzi who follow famous people, wealthy priests, and other degenerates like that. Little did it matter, Cross was dead within minutes.

“Problem is,” Trodman said to reporters outside, “Leading up to this, he was shooting smack clean into the base of his cock. You ever seen anybody do this? It’s insane, this guy’s taint!”

Trodman said a combination of heroin and cocaine repeatedly injected into the performer’s groin compromised the structural integrity of his vas deferens, until after some time it degenerated, and ultimately collapsed in those final moments of unbridled pleasure heard on the 911 tapes.

As indicated in his will, Cross’ remaining assets, along with his many millions of dollars in Mr. Show royalties from HBO, will be disbursed to CHARM, a children’s charity promoted by Creed frontman Scott Stapp. It looks like one of those scam charities no one thinks about.

“A lot of people don’t know this but Mr. Cross loved Creed,” says Mark Buchanan, Cross’ childhood friend. “We would be getting shit-hammered, and he’d be so drunk I don’t even know if he knew what he was doing, but he would tell everybody in the car, ‘Put on Creed! Play those gospel jams!’ And we did, and he loved every minute of it. God bless you, David.”