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Internet “gets real” after murder goes viral

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.

The Internet was responsible for an estimated 2,460 deaths in 2014: an alarming trend as the number of Internet-related murders triples, doubles, double-triple-double-double-triple-checks each year.

26-year-old Maria Constanelli, who died on New Year’s Eve when a craigslist response went dangerously wrong – so I was wondering how late you’re open to – fell victim to her Facebook stalker during a routine w4m no-strings-attached meetup.

Theresa, her mother, said Maria – who did not want her mother to worry – always told her where she was going to be prior to meeting strange men on the Internet. This time was no different.

“I thought Dugan Nash sounded like a nice boy,” Theresa said. “When she said she was meeting one of them Nash boys, I thought to myself, ‘He sounds right proper.'”

Theresa said Nash, the man Maria was alleged to meet, was known for his R&B single that goes like: Flip. Double flip. Double-triple-flip.

“They do that one song, that’s like, uh, double-flip, double-triple-flip-flip. Triple check. Double flip, triple-triple,” Theresa said. “They do that one song that’s like, uh, triple-double-triple-triple-check.”

While Maria’s whereabouts are still unknown, countless others continue to suffer by the invisible hand of the Internet. Won’t you do something today?

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Obituaries

Hacktivist ‘Weev’ found dead in Lebanese gutter

Fans mourn and celebrate the loss of Andrew ‘Weev’ Auernheimer who was found dead Monday Morning.

BEIRUT—The puffy, bruised corpse of Andrew Auernheimer, known to fans as ‘Weev’, was pulled out of a drainage channel in Beirut early Monday morning. He was last seen clubbing on a rooftop, huddled in a corner and laughing with a group of friends at his laptop Sunday evening before disappearing into the night.

Weev recently served two years in prison on false charges pressed by AT&T after exposing — and not creating — a gaping security hole in their iPhone network. Weev fled the US for Lebanon because he feared a legal loophole that would undo his constitutional protection against double jeopardy, and Lebanon does not extradite to the US. Telecom analyst and legal expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When you are a persistent threat to a big corporation like that and they’ve exhausted all the legal methods at their disposal, that’s when they take out the cheap and dirty options, and it doesn’t matter where you run or hide.”

Many former supporters and friends of Weev grew enraged over the weekend after one of Auernheimer’s trademark inflammatory opinion pieces percolated through social media, finally revealing the actual truth behind his hard-right White Nationalist beliefs. Previously, supporters had smirked at what they considered Auernheimer’s magnificent trolling, but now they believe that he authentically holds views that they cannot reconcile with their personal brand of left activism. Laurie Penny, rising princess of British Feminism, said that she now perceived Weev was “Not a figurative fascist. An actual one.” Molly Crabapple, whose politically-charged artwork inspires revolution everywhere, said she “Misjudged sincere belief as trolling.” One of Crabapple’s prints, titled “#OpPornPixie” was found plastered to the wall just one block from Weev’s corpse, leading some to speculate that he was murdered by an outraged Molly Crabapple fan.

Rumors that Weev was collaborating with Islamofascists circulated over the weekend also, leading yet others to speculate that Weev was categorized as a terrorist and, meeting all the parameters for execution without trial, was beaten and killed by special agents from the US government. Dr. Troubador speculated, “No one will ever know who got to Weev because so many people were gunning for him, and they did what appears to be a typical, clean job.”

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Obituaries

Charlie Sheen dead at 49

Charlie Sheen died in a plane crash on Friday evening. The name of the other victim, right, has not yet been released.

HOLLYWOOD—Fans mourn the loss of Charlie Sheen, famed star of Two and a Half Men and controversial proponent of recreational drug use.

While flying his private plane, authorities say Sheen became engaged in autoerotic asphyxiation and lost consciousness.

Search teams located the wreck Friday evening. Cocaine, heroin, and a bag of cannabis were found packed into the aircraft’s wing, which was on its way to Mexico.

Family has not commented on the ignominious circumstances of Sheen’s death, but his fortune has been disbursed to the DARE anti-drug abuse organization.

Sheen recently expressed interest in returning to Two and a Half Men, after being replaced by Ashton Kutcher during the depths of another one of Sheen’s episodic drug binges.

A memorial service will be held for Sheen at the Crystal Cathedral on Sunday afternoon.