Category: Politics

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump says “No way” Bush or Romney could win in 2016. Hillary Clinton says she’s already purchased the job. But none of that matters to would-be presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has informally announced to his staff he will step down from the 2016 presidential candidacy, one of his campaigners said Sunday. The 67-year-old businessman has decided to back out of the race because Americans “simply weren’t twisted enough” to elect a Mormon president.

Dr. Joseph Smith, Jr., who campaigned for more than 20 years with the former Mass. governor, said Romney intends to pursue a number of young women in his convent.

“Mitt has always struggled with his Mormonism,” Smith said. “After he realized Americans weren’t comfortable normalizing statutory rape – openly comfortable with it, anyway – he said presidency wasn’t for him.”

Although he narrowly lost a presidential campaign in 2012 to Ayatollah Hussein, Romney’s wealth quintupled after the elections, garnering the politician unspeakable social and religious power. Connections to the royal family have granted him unprecedented access to child sex slaves in England, and Mormon church leaders in America have turned their prayers to a higher power: Fervent pledges to the health and well-being of Mitt Romney are often accompanied by tithes of gold bullion, property, and even people.

“Mitt Romney wasn’t lying in 2012 when he said he has ‘binders full of women,'” Smith said. “He owns people. The reason I speak to your fine publication today is because I haven’t seen my daughter in 3 years, and I just learned she is scheduled to appear in a mass-wedding ceremony next month, to be married off to Romney. Considering she’s just 10 years old, I am starting to wonder if Mitt Romney’s power has gone to his head.”