Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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Health

#ShareaCoke with your dialysis technician

Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code 'coke' at checkout.
Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code 'coke' at checkout.
Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code 'coke' at checkout.
Lebal Drocering Ambulatory Services offering 50% discount on new dialysis sign-ups. Use promo code ‘coke’ at checkout.

The Coca-Cola corporation has spent hundreds of millions of valuable US dollars on “independent” research firms who cast doubt on the faulty link between sugar-water and obesity.

Coca-Cola boasts power over more than a dozen British scientists, among them government health advisers, all of whom resist propaganda connecting obesity to the delicious taste of Coca-Cola.

The revelation of Coca-Cola’s science contributions follows a government refusal to tax the company, suggesting there could be some corruption in play. The leaker, who news outlets are calling “the Snowjob of Coke,” came forward on terrorist news network Al Jazeera to declare his jihad on dank American neoliberalism. A former contractor for Lebal Drocer Laboratories, the scientist doubts the benevolence of the Coke Original Formula™. He was all,

Doesn’t it seem like Barack Obama’s career was designed for two terms, though? The guy wasn’t exactly ‘going for Roosevelt.'”

The media are practically sucking this cock without paying tribute to the delicious good time of an ice cold Coca-Cola product. Nor do they acknowledge the frosty sheen of a 12-ounce can on a hot day in the sun. Fuck CNN, and fuck the police.

Share a Coke with your dialysis technician, and enjoy the refreshing breeze as your feet shrivel up like in the Wizard of Oz.

Barack Obama for Third Term, 2016

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Categories
Health

Lebal Drocer one step closer to securing ‘Kevorkian’ treatment programs

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour's latest book, Troll Medicine, is under scrutiny amid yet another media-invented 'peer-review scandal.'
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour's latest book, Troll Medicine, is under scrutiny amid yet another media-invented 'peer-review scandal.'

Jack Kevorkian
Jack Kevorkian was a pretty cool guy. eh kills patients and doesn’t afraid of anything.
Has the daily grind got you contemplating suicide? At Lebal Drocer Laboratories is leading the way in assisted suicide thanks to groundbreaking new research by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his magnificent staff of scientists, scholars and lobbyists. Using state-of-the-art techniques, Troubadour and his team were able to isolate literally thousands of variables that could aide in assisted suicide.

Starting with an intravenous injection of TerrorMax, a Lebal Drocer product, a team of real doctors will carefully consider all the stupid bullshit challenging you as you play out your pointless, insignificant life. A decision to go through with the suicide is almost always reached within your first visit to our facility, and we have top-notch lawyers to make sure of it. Live every day like it’s your last, at Lebal Drocer Laboratories!

“We wanted to give people a choice in how they die,” Dr. Troubadour said in a press release, our only source in this story. “Fondly I remember how Jack Kevorkian would kill his patients with ease and a sense of duty. Back then, it was manly to kill yourself. Hemingway did it. We knew we could deliver that. At Lebal Drocer Labs, people can become a larger-than-life martyr in their own self-image, joining the ranks of heroic men like Kurt Cobain and Michael Hastings.

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Categories
Science Special Interest

Lebal Drocer will face ‘serious PR consequences’ for human rights abuses, continuous poisoning of rivers

LEBAL DROCER
Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined giving a fuck during an official press conference.
Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined to give a fuck during an official press conference.

The American magazine Foreign Policy disclosed shortly ago that a Lebal Drocer soldier who mercilessly killed 16 innocent civilians in Roanoke, Virginia – including women and children – was prone to abusing the reality-altering designer drug TerrorBloc. TerrorBloc, or ‘TB’, is a cheap TerrorMax alternative synthesized by a dangerous offshoot of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, whose labs operate deep beneath the earth.

For some time, friends and family said, the Lebal Drocer Agent was addicted to alcohol and marijuana before graduating to TerrorBloc, a drug so maddening reports estimate it has caused some 45,000 deaths this year alone, not counting those deaths attributed to dumping Schedule III TerrorMax byproducts into major US waterways.

The new report, put out by the rebel group People’s Army of Lebal Drocer, sheds light on nefarious activities by the Real Lebal Drocer, a subsidiary of Lebal Drocer, Inc. The report shows Lebal Drocer “deliberately” hurled drugs and alcohol into the population without regard for human life or happiness, killing people just for profit.

A United Nations Human Rights spokesperson said 31 nations around the world are organized to take action against the multinational conglomerate and author of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, promising to “push Lebal Drocer out of this century.”

Lebal Drocer’s atrocities have created seven new entries in the Guinness Book of World Records, including setting new records for Most Number of Lives Lost During Single Construction Accident and Highest Stillborn Rate Along a Single River.

Needless to say, residents of Canada and Mexico are not happy with the current state of natural decline at the hands of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

The company is sending an assigned diplomat who will personally take punishment at the international human rights tribunal in Pyongyang, satisfying the bloodlust of his fellow man.