Category: Technology

INTERNET—

Taylor Fenderson of Roanoke County, Virginia announced the invention of solar powered 3d printed drones.

Mr. Fenderson winked and told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Watch this.” Hundreds of drones formed a swirling mass, not unlike a cyclonic school of fish in the ocean, and suddenly the infernal buzzing machines hovered, clearly forming a wall that was shaped like Fenderson’s face. Fenderson snapped his finger and the drones dissipated into Southwest Roanoke County, which is now firmly under his control.

“Dear friends,” he said before using the most cryptic terms, “There is no reason to be alarmed. I believe the singularity has arrived, and be glad.”

At this moment what must have been in some estimations as many as ten thousand drones blotted out the clear evening skies above, and the gathered crowd shouted in terror, one declaring “He is the Devil!” and another, “God save us, the gates of hell have been thrown open!”

Fenderson’s eyes grew cold as he looked directly into WDBJ7’s cameras, demanding residents bring him all the graphics processing chips in the valley for a municipal bitcoin mining operation. Fenderson wants to fund the world’s fastest fiber optic network for residents of the valley only, using a newly discovered photonic switching process discovered by MIT. Taylor said, “Roanoke is situated in a uniquely defensible position, and as I speak drones are covering the highways with pebbles, shoring up the armor-proof chain of mountains that surround us on all sides. No aircraft is permitted to enter Roanoke’s air space. Attempt no landings in Roanoke.” At that, Fenderson retreated into his Bunker and those who attempted to follow him and ask questions found themselves surrounded and their senses assaulted by the klaxons of hundreds of drones.

Some citizens took to the streets with shotguns, attempting to shoot down drones but finding themselves surrounded and disabled by the drones’ horrendous sonic weaponry. Such a day of woe and terror was never seen in Roanoke since the troubles in 1893.

New Snowden revelation “GODSURGE” gives NSA ability to see everything your computer does – even the screen

Original documents released by Snowden reveal surveillance powers that go beyond root access, and into the hardware of all computer systems everywhere.

The exploit hooks itself into a computer’s boot loader, initiating an “infected” BIOS that is in no way distinguishable from normal computer activity, and can only be discovered through forensic investigation of the physical data chip using electron microscopes.

With GODSURGE, a complex malware loaded by the similarly named malware DEITYBOUNCE, secret agents are able to monitor users’ computer activity – even when the computer is offline – because the malware phones home when users plug back in, reporting activity and filling in historical gaps.

It is safe from an operating system reinstall because it lives on the motherboard, and does not affect the installation at all, remaining undetected by antivirus scanners and even computer scientists.

When Ross Ulbricht was found hiding among the stacks in the Glen Park public library in San Francisco, the 29-year-old Silk Road operator was believed to have covered his tracks perfectly. Speculation is rampant as to how he was really caught.

Neckbeards with no working knowledge of Internet technology hypothesized that an “anonymous” forum post asking for help on specialized messageboard code led unseen internet police to backtrace his IP. It is an unlikely connection, but compelling conspiracy theory, because it is a common supposition that the Internet is a self-referencing, self-cleaning hivemind; but it is far more likely that ubiquitous, self-replicating code that bounces to destinations through “jump hosts” – a self-replicating “Onion Router” of malware – led to his discovery because it tells the NSA exactly what any given computer is doing – or trying to do – without being caught.

Or to put it another way, they see what you see.