Category: Society

Aww, look! They think they’re people!

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Entertainment Religion

Oprah Converts Entire Studio Audience To Islam

Oprah holds the Holy Quran
Oprah’s new slogan, “Join or Die,” has some supporters scratching their heads.

DAMASCUS, Syria — Philosopher and television star Oprah Winfrey converted every member of her studio audience to Islam Monday during a new show on the O. Network in which she discusses existence and the metaphysical.

Stagehands appeared behind her, burning an American flag and stomping it out on live TV.

“She’s achieved so much in her life,” special guest Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said on the program. “It’s now time for her to become enlightened and share it with the world.”

Oprah Converts Audience To Islam
Each member of Oprah’s studio audience received complimentary mandatory piqabs.

Oprah quietly converted to the “religion of peace,” following the beheadings of several Christians in a Syrian village northeast of Damascus.

The prominence of US-backed al-Qaeda freedom fighters in the region factored into Oprah’s decision to see Allah to victory. As America prepares to launch hellfire missiles into the Godless heart of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s regime, Oprah encouraged Americans to join the one true God, Allah.

Infidels regarded the program with skepticism as Oprah pointed out each lucky audience member, shouting, “AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC, AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC! YOU’RE ALL ISLAMIC!”

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Local News Religion Society

DRUG-Fueled Illuminati SEX Parties Exposed by @JFelloWWMT

The Swingers Brothel of Battle Creek
The Swingers Brothel of Battle Creek

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. – Staff for The Internet Chronicle can confirm a report from WWMT Battle Creek that the Illuminati have been caught doing drugs and taping each other having sex. The Illuminati believe that they derive mystical power from the production of sex tapes.

The police were “brought in,” but action is not expected to be taken, since most police officers live in fear of crossing the elite homosexual death cult, of which most world leaders are members.

Julia Fello did this outstanding reporting but for now has presumably gone into hiding, fearing dire repercussions from the Masons. The write-up on her video reporting reads: “Sources told us the first officer to walk inside, was shocked to find a couple performing a lewd sex act, along with drugs, multiple nude women and men videotaping it all behind these closed doors.”

You can read more here and check out WWMT’s explosive video evidence [NOT SAFE FOR WORK. CONTAINS TRIGGERS.].

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Editorial Local News Politics Status Quo

GOP Shills for Farm-Subsidy Welfare Queens, via @TimAlberta

Big Agrobusiness Feeds off the Middle Class
Big Agrobusiness Feeds off the Middle Class

WASHINGTON –  Tim Alberta reports for National Journal that the “Republican Study Committee [RSC]—a group of 172 conservative House members—has barred Heritage Foundation employees from attending its weekly meeting in the Capitol.” Heritage, a fiscally conservative Washington think-tank, has traditionally been involved in the closed-door meetings but no longer.

Through the summer, Heritage insisted that a relatively popular program, commonly known as “food stamps,” be voted on separately from subsidies to big agrobusiness.

In July, Michael Needham, CEO of Heritage arm Heritage Action, released a statement to that effect. It read, “The purpose of ending the unholy alliance that has dominated the food stamp and farm bill for decades is to allow substantive debate that would allow the House to show its conservative values. Also, Needham warned the RSC against “subsidies and government intervention that will continue to harm consumers and taxpayers alike.”

You can read more here about how powerful Republican Party politicians are in league against conservatives and with powerful farming special interests.