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News Religion Uncontrollable Patriotism

Arizona Christians refuse to keep ‘toddler death family’ in prayers after tragic loss

“Fuck her. We’re pro-life.”

Hello Internet! I’m hatesec, and I am here to mansplain to you idiots a little story about dumb people. Okay, that’s the setup. Here’s your fucking story, and it goes a little something like this:

*clears throat* "First of all, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for coming..."
*clears throat* “First of all, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for coming…”

Dear Internet, stupid people sometimes let their Babies die in obvious, easily preventable ways. Why, just last week a young Arizona desert family let their larva babysac die after abandoning it in a hot car and then letting that car fall into gear and roll downhill, into an industrial greasetrap behind the Target on exit 57, just 45 miles from their home, which authorities say is normal in that area to drive that far to Target, which was weird because that sort of editorializing is not usually included in reports, but what the hell do we know?

Anyway, these mongoloids went on TV like they always do to register their grief to some pale, hungover, sickly-looking television reporter. But this time, Roz gave us something a little different. These Good People refused to pray for the godless animals who killed their little baby through negligent stupidity.

“We feel for them. We really do. We feel for ’em all. That baby dying stabs right into the motherfuckin’ heart of this community,” Shannon said. “But we just can’t keep them in our prayers. Their family – it’s just – you know… Well, they aren’t like us.”

The Davidsons next door also refused to keep the family in their prayers, but instead sent their regards.

“She had an abortion the year before,” Jeff Davidson said. “That’s just what she wanted anyway. It’s the same thing, right? I send my regards.”

Jeff operates the Davidson Family Facebook account, which a federal investigation recently found to have accepted money from CHRONICLE.SU, a website stationed in the Former Soviet Union.

The FBI believes chronicle.su is feeding money to well-meaning midwestern Facebookers in a bid to spread dangerous and subversive satire materials to unsuspecting readers ONLINE, through Fake News Media Outlets such as Facebook.com, Twitter and Google.

[Editor’s Note, doomsday preparedness edition: Internet Chronicle is rumored to be poisoning all our minds, and we must rise up dear citizens, and let us all be leaders against Her Tyranny, down with the so-called “glorious” and purportedly “infallible” CHRONICLE.SU. Let your nightmares become reality, with Extra Strength Terrormax PM. Take it once, and never fall asleep again.]

The Davidsons receive daily SMS messages from Raleigh Theodore Sakers, the recently defamed Internet Chronicle publisher who has been driven to live in a fortified compound beneath an abandoned missile silo. Sonya, Jeff’s wife or somebody named Sonya, showed us Raleigh’s latest message.

Ya don’t care to watch your baby, you just wanna go, go, go. Don’t care to — yeah she got an abortion didn’t she. Little Susie got an abortion. And that’s why Miley had to go. YOU CAN’T PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR KIDS, SU$AN. You abort one and keep another? You’re a little bitch, Susan, just like your mother!

Roanokers ‘weren’t happy’ with latest iMessage outburst

What was she?

When the local church asked the community to kneel and pray for the Smiths, people stood up instead, and turned their backs to the priest. They weren’t happy.

“Some people walked out, and a few stayed.” said Mohinster. “Some prayed, but you could tell by their posture they didn’t mean it. They was praying ironically.”

Susan Delaney’s girlfriend, Joyce Barker, sent her one final text before turning the gun on herself. In the message, she gets all hyperbolic and guilt trips Susan which is an understandably tired premise:

For Your Love, I would give you all I could.

For your love, I would give you all I knew. I would lay down on a bed of spikes and wallow in dirt, fire and piss. For your love, I would lay in the sewers and bathe in disease. But I won’t pray for your dead baby, because you are a baby killer, and religion is literally all that I know. IT’S ALL I CAN UNDERSTAND.

“Just you wait!”

— Dr. Angstrom Troubadour

So naturally everyone was really freaked out to begin with, Chronicle surveillance expert Dr. Angstrom Troubadour said, upon reviewing videotaped footage of the texting as seen through her bacdoor!d webcam from god only knows where, but you can buy it! It’s for sale. It will make an excellent episode of the news, just you wait buddy. Just you wait!

Anyway, a baby died in that story, but really what more can I say. They wouldn’t pray for those people. You read it here, first. Religion, on chronicle.su

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Who is Susan, anyway?

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Politics Religion

Humanity Party cult leader Chris Nemelka to introduce Donald Trump at Roanoke rally, promises ‘big truth’

ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.

Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.
Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.

Nemelke said in a podcast he supports Trump specifically because Trump stands for a stronger, militarized Israel.

Nemelke, who compares military funding to a hit of heroin – the best thing he says a Humanity Party member can feel – uses his position as a psycho cult leader to push for greater military spending and greater dissemination of military hand-me-downs to state and local police departments.

Nemelka, who believes no one but himself can experience a rare form of sex called “Ultimate Sex,” prescribes heroin as an entheogen to members of his religious following, whom he refers to collectively as “The Humanity Party.”

He will introduce Trump at the Roanoke, Va. rally on Saturday and has promised not to turn the event into a promotion for his book, The Sealed Portion (available everywhere books are sold), a researched, canonical continuation of the holy Book of Mormon, written directly from sacred plates only he and Donald Trump have ever seen.

Nemelka famously tricked Joseph Smith’s heiress into giving him her plot in the Mormon holy center, where he purchased a tombstone advertising his book and website. Nemelka unsuccessfully attempted to use the loose internet collective Anonymous as his proselytizing vehicle, and has since deleted videos from YouTube documenting his failed attempts to convert impressionable young Internet weirdos into book-purchasing, drug cult weirdos.

Together, Trump and Nemelka are expected to reveal the stones to adoring fans Saturday, Sept. 24 at the Salem Civic Center, a once-sacred Mormon holy site.

It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside the rally, with tantalizing results!

Love rabbit holes? See also:

Christopher Nemelka’s Anonymous

#THumP offers fake reward to Kilgoar ‘n Hatesec

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Categories
Religion

Vatican taking an ‘unhealthy interest’ in Anonymous ‘Operation Death Eaters’: Barrett Brown

catholics-team-up-with-anonymous-op-death-eaterVATICAN CITY – As Pope Francis (D-Italy) attempts to open new bureaucratic instruments to tackle rape and neoliberalism in the Vatican, Anonymous Spokesman Barrett Brown said the Catholic church is taking an “unhealthy interest in the sensitive search for internet pederasts” and that their unwanted attention could jeopardize the witch-hunt.

Brown, who currently operates from his mobile diesel prison cell across the barren Texas wasteland, likened the church’s assistance to “working with the enemy.” He said it reminds him of the crippling effects the US funded Al Qaeda had on the war on terror, before becaming ISIS.

“We are working around the clock to catch Catholic priests fucking little boys,” Brown said, “so when r0sary comes online, the investigation is effectively dead in the holy water.”

Many Catholic priests have entered underground /i/nvasion IRC channels and chan forums, offering to participate in the hunt for online predators and the illegal pornography they produce. Among them, r0sary is a well-known Catholic hacker whose expertise in child-fucking could unfortunately be very helpful to the group.

“I would never fuck a little boy,” Brown said. “But if I was the kind of person who did that sort of thing – and I’m not saying that I am – but if I was, I can imagine that fucking their raw, pink little anuses would give me some insight into how a pedophile operated, and make Anonymous better.”

So for now, Anonymous begrudgingly, but bravely, works alongside the rape warriors in the Catholic church. But for how long this unlikely alliance may last, ain’t no man can say. Attempts to dox r0sary have ended in pitiful failure, as users have noted he logs into efnet with a username and password, behind a service known as a ‘cloak.’ Brown said it is only a matter of time before they catch up to, and surpass, their partners in the internet’s first rapist-rapist-hunter alliance.

“Until then, we’ll just have to keep watching child pornography, learning from their habits,” r0sary said on IRC. “I am enhancing some close-up footage right now, with the hope of finding the offender’s reflection in his victim’s pleading, perfect eyes.”