WASHINGTON, D.C. — Experts who once believed the Trump-allied persona “Q” to be a high-ranking official in the Energy Department are shifting their suspicions onto the mysterious leader of the Humanity Party (THumP), Christopher Nemelka.
In addition to enjoying near-total control of THumP, Nemelka runs a very successful cult on the Mormonism platform, and has published a great many books focused on spirituality, human advancement, and militarization of the Executive Branch.
Yancey, who goes by @soulreaping on Twitter (or Death on Facebook), says he is the creator of the iconic Guy Fawkes mask associated with Anonymous, and has deep connections to the mercurial, and oftentimes diaphanous, Anonymous hacker network.
Two weeks later, Anonymous heavy-hitters @YourMarkLubbers and @mezcal1323 opened a public dialog about the secretive cult leader. Some claim to have evidence Nemelka, a socially conservative, fiscal liberal who supports Trump, is associated with QAnon, if not somehow in direct control of the movement.
And so the search continues: Who is the true Good Old Boy? Anonymous experts say all signs point to Chris.
His blog is currently locked down. Internet Chronicle investigators are standing by. If you or someone you know has access to the Christopher Nemelka blog, please leave your contact information in the comments field below, and a fake news journalist will reach out through encrypted channels.
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Hey dudes. Dr. Troubadour here, and I am writing to you from Nepal! This four-part column comes after an exclusive spiritual love retreat with Trail Boss Christopher Nemelka, in which we spent two days and three nights plumbing the depths of our Mormon souls, in a divine quest to unlock vexing mysteries of the front hole.
Later I took ayahuasca, experienced ego death, and condensed my pontifications into beads of enlightenment for the purposes of this article, which was edited down – for your convenience – to fit into a palatable word count for your broken attention spans.
Without further ado (that means cut to the fucking chase), follow my researched tips for a healthy relationship that puts YOU in control!
1. No friends. “It’s just you and me, now”
First things first!
It used to be you needed to learn an instrument or how to sing in order to manipulate a woman’s reality. But with Christopher Nemelka’s patented technique, you will control a female within three well-crafted text messages, guaranteed.
Women love reassurance. Turn her reassurance into co-dependence with this one easy trick!
Dr. Troubadour says tell them things like, “Sure is nice bein’ free,” or “It’s like all our problems are over.” Christopher Nemelka added, “Make them feel dumb by using big words that only appear in the books you write!”
2. Keeping Score
Stay sharp! A good memory pays dividends in a loveless relationship such as your own. Do you remember that time she dropped your Special Edition iPhone, scuffing the case? Or what about when she clicked Like on another man’s Facebook photo?
What do ya say, Ref!?
Patriots such as yourself like to keep score. A true patriot Never Forgets. Teach your property a lesson she’ll Never Forget by assigning monetary values to the countless ways in which she has hurt your snowflake feelings.
By talking in a language women can understand (money), you will finally convey your true bitterness.
3. Withholding Sex
This paragraph could get pretty dark, and into a legal gray area, so let me just say, “Each of you are redefining your comfort zones right now,” and a person’s worth is valued only in direct proportion to the respect you have for them!
Demand sex when she’s not interested, and withhold it when she is. Unless that’s what she’s into!
4. No room for growth
People change over time. Over time, we learn new things about our lives, goals, and dreams. That’s OK. But once you get hold of the woman, that shit’s over.
Hobbies and interests are threatening. If you feel like her personal needs are cutting into your own, offer gentle ultimatums, like, “I understand you no longer love me, and want to go to yoga classes four nights a week. That’s fine. When you get home, I’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll be back.”
Start following these tips today and get started on your journey into spiritual dominance. Because the world owes you!
This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.
Nemelke said in a podcast he supports Trump specifically because Trump stands for a stronger, militarized Israel.
Nemelke, who compares military funding to a hit of heroin – the best thing he says a Humanity Party member can feel – uses his position as a psycho cult leader to push for greater military spending and greater dissemination of military hand-me-downs to state and local police departments.
Nemelka, who believes no one but himself can experience a rare form of sex called “Ultimate Sex,” prescribes heroin as an entheogen to members of his religious following, whom he refers to collectively as “The Humanity Party.”
He will introduce Trump at the Roanoke, Va. rally on Saturday and has promised not to turn the event into a promotion for his book, The Sealed Portion (available everywhere books are sold), a researched, canonical continuation of the holy Book of Mormon, written directly from sacred plates only he and Donald Trump have ever seen.
Nemelka famously tricked Joseph Smith’s heiress into giving him her plot in the Mormon holy center, where he purchased a tombstone advertising his book and website. Nemelka unsuccessfully attempted to use the loose internet collective Anonymous as his proselytizing vehicle, and has since deleted videos from YouTube documenting his failed attempts to convert impressionable young Internet weirdos into book-purchasing, drug cult weirdos.
Together, Trump and Nemelka are expected to reveal the stones to adoring fans Saturday, Sept. 24 at the Salem Civic Center, a once-sacred Mormon holy site.
It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside the rally, with tantalizing results!