ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.

Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.
Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to Jesus, has thrown his full support behind Donald Trump and the Republican Party.

Nemelke said in a podcast he supports Trump specifically because Trump stands for a stronger, militarized Israel.

Nemelke, who compares military funding to a hit of heroin – the best thing he says a Humanity Party member can feel – uses his position as a psycho cult leader to push for greater military spending and greater dissemination of military hand-me-downs to state and local police departments.

Nemelka, who believes no one but himself can experience a rare form of sex called “Ultimate Sex,” prescribes heroin as an entheogen to members of his religious following, whom he refers to collectively as “The Humanity Party.”

He will introduce Trump at the Roanoke, Va. rally on Saturday and has promised not to turn the event into a promotion for his book, The Sealed Portion (available everywhere books are sold), a researched, canonical continuation of the holy Book of Mormon, written directly from sacred plates only he and Donald Trump have ever seen.

Nemelka famously tricked Joseph Smith’s heiress into giving him her plot in the Mormon holy center, where he purchased a tombstone advertising his book and website. Nemelka unsuccessfully attempted to use the loose internet collective Anonymous as his proselytizing vehicle, and has since deleted videos from YouTube documenting his failed attempts to convert impressionable young Internet weirdos into book-purchasing, drug cult weirdos.

Together, Trump and Nemelka are expected to reveal the stones to adoring fans Saturday, Sept. 24 at the Salem Civic Center, a once-sacred Mormon holy site.

It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside the rally, with tantalizing results!

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Published by hatesec

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  1. It is rumored staff reporter @kilgoar trout could report live from inside a walmart garbage container at best, with tantalizing results! and aint we all love teh good ol heroin. it is the most efficient substitute for unconditional motherly love there is, butt much easier to sell and distribute.

  2. Can I put a quarter on the hood smooth-running Internet Chronicle? That thing’s shakin’. No we’re not going to leave you alone. Tobacco which I have leaves.

  3. .. sounds like Trump been sniff lines of coke off of some p00rly paid Hispanic h00ker’$ ass before the debate .. the FBI supplied 5hm00p with great coke, so I am sure they’re keepin’ the pepe Donald happy …

    1. I to prefer my hate wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket of hallucinations. You fuckers need to do radio show from fishfag’s shack in their holler and from hatefags trailpark home on blocks (READ: a hillbillly’s reinvention of the wheel). Besides I expect my hateful blind loyalty to be stoked & stroked from time to time.

      1. haz u lost it man? have you heard that nate piece? it seems as theyr going for a rudy-huxtable-thing, but honestly, two middle aged man and a teenage boy, creepy.

  4. Have any of y’all watched the McAffee doc yet?! If anything the scat stories by the wh0re$ were entertaining. But ya just like other capitalist pig gringos he likes them young

  5. Lol that Crypto is snuggling the exact same copy of The Art War I am in possession of as well too.
    ::: enters teh Twilight Zone :::

  6. hey buttface, u frum vagina, can u x-plain, uz haz secret laws n invisible judges, hau do uz no wut n wen they rule¿

    1. we just riff you know, back and forth. show me yours i show you mine, how much money you got, what you need fam, some new laws? legislation? show me the money, it’s the virginia way

  7. This is defamation! I personally know and have met the man who is disrespected in this article multiple times and can confirm, from my own experience and that of many others, None of this information is accurate or real. He is simply a kind man who teaches a person to love themselves and others, nothing wierd like the article says.

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