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Communists posing as Capitalist Communists got you down? Try idle threats – they worked during the Cold War! Freedom isn’t free! Join the revolution – the Roanoke Revolution – and stand up to the freedom of speech today. FOR GREAT VICTORY! Speak out louder against those who speak out against you.

We received this email yesterday. The subject line reads ‘Response to “No Nukes Like Good Nukes“‘ and it pretty much speaks for itself.

Hi Billy,
Your rant is back up on the June archives of I
don’t know why it disappeared, but it was not on purpose.
I know your website is intended to be funny, and I appreciate the
Onion-esque humor. However, there is an issue with misrepresentation,
especially in a small city like ours. Libel is a serious subject in
the media world, and even if you’re joking, you are not legally
allowed to misquote people, or say or imply anything untrue that could
potentially damage that person’s reputation. I hate to seem like a
killjoy, and I enjoy fun jabs as much as anyone, but if you do some
quick research on libel, you will see “No Nukes Like Good Nukes”
crossed a line. Roanoke Revolution is most definitely anti-censorship,
but an article like this that contains libel cannot legally be allowed
to remain published online.
By the way, this entire email is off the record; it is a business communication.
I could not find James Galloway’s email address, but please share my
email with him.
Thank you. Please don’t hesitate to call me if you want to discuss.
Email is often a brewing ground for misunderstood sentiments.
-Clarissa Clarke
Roanoke Revolution

Because of Clarissa Clarke’s elementary writing skills and reactionary legal instincts, we can only assume she must be kind of cute, or possibly has the sexy librarian thing going on [also, remember Clarissa Explains It All? History is definitely on her side…] so we were nice enough to remove her phone number from the email, which contains a few incredulous logical fallacies.

For example, they might as well attack us for being pro-jong-il if they consider the rest of the site credible as well. So is it true that in addition to being in full support of preemptive nuclear warfare, the Roanoke Revolution staff cares more about their reputations than the poor fucks jong has kept in his prisons, guarded from knowledge of anything else?

Soviet Chronicle meets Roanoke Revolution
The Roanoke Revulsion's recent confrontation with the Soviet Chronicle is best characterized as a mirror facing a mirror, looking onward into an infinite spiral of self-aggrandizement.

25 replies on “chronicle.SUE”

Even for a bad joke, your article lacks substance. It’s the poorest written article I have come across in a long time… Not only did you disregard your corespondent’s request, but your slant on “reality” is as tasteless as your humor.

i love grammar fights. they’re the best part of the internet. you called us tasteless and now there is nothing left but more idle threats and grammatical mistakes.

Actually it’s poorest like “lacking in quality” and written as in “you wrote it”. So, “poorest written article” because after all that’s what it is. I see that you choose to critique comments instead of your own posts. Anyway, thanks for the spot light.

Jimmy-James you come off as a butthurt douchebag. you would not even be here if you were not part of that faggy art clique elf wax chronicle just wrote about…


That’s pretty funny, Seth, because I’m not part of any of it. Anyway, I don’t know why you want to read so much into my comment; the Net obviously has a vaster landscape than you imagine. If I were part of any revolution, I don’t think I would be spending my time here: I’m not really into anything that you have done.

it is you who might have a problem understanding the vast landscape of the internet. had you an open mind and the curiosity to dig into the worst of it, you might possibly understand our brand of satire. if you also had a sick and dark sense of humor, you might even find it funny. perhaps we should redefine our entire post until we can pretend our grammar’s perfect too. your use of a punctuation just gave me diarrhea. i’m not really into anything seth’s done either because i have no idea who the fuck he is. i’m so sick of your self righteous, self reverent baloney. it is people like YOU who we were attacking with every single post we’ve ever written. not roanoke revolution, YOU.

Thanks for your pointless clarity. I’m glad that you got it off of your chest. By the way, I am no stranger to the Internet, and my world is darker than your nightmares.

There’s no world darker than my nightmares. I once dreamed I was the President of the United States while we were under nuclear attack; the tricky part was having to experience the bombing simultaneously from the nuclear bomber’s perspective, as well as my own ground troops who fought to secure the perimeter from wave after wave of suicide death bombers. And that was the kind of dream I was trying to have because after spending months trying to block out worse, more horrifying nightmares than your own world of darkness has dared gaze into, I found that falling asleep to CSPAN discussions in favor of amassing nuclear arms was the only thing that allowed me to have what I considered at that time “sound sleep” – a state of surreal, full-on Presidential paranoia compounded by the ever-looming knowledge of instant, unavoidable death, a nuclear panic attack; shockwave, fallout, the sickness, nothing, and wake up to worse.

I’d like to see your dark world scare me through the internet, or even if I looked into it [god what a sad thought, to know the reality is just some piss poor normal guy behind his computer acting tough…is nothing real anymore? is nothing cool?]. I really, truly would like that. I’d like anything but you, Jimmy-James, and the stench of failure and mediocrity that followed you here. But it just can’t be done. I think my dreams are the darkest, most paranoid, vicious, animal nightmares you could ever hope to expect out of a thirteen-episode CIA experiment. And now that I’m sane again, I continue to instigate mass genocide panic attack nightmares because the alternative simply bores me, to death. Only the best nightmares make the first five minutes awake taste truly like life. And you think I’m scared of that? Sounds like the only person scared of you is yourself.

Yourself, which is who you want this to be about, not us – who the fuck are we? – so now it’s about you. Tell the chronicle more about your mascara-shaded world of gloom. We’re open to suffering above all else, even if it’s yours. Tell Us About Yourself, Little elf.

Thank you for the tale. I don’t know you, but I guess to you that’s a nightmare. You put words to it, so maybe it’s your fear. Personally, I don’t have a simple explanation. You can’t coerce me to reveal a dark side.

epic own. your brand of comedy is true comedy. you are clearly well read. any authors other than vonnegut you suggest? (im reading slaughterhouse-five at the moment)


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