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NEW YORK– A desperate man stood in the interior hallway of his Brooklyn home Thursday, waiting impatiently to use the bathroom.

“I was standing there a good five minutes, staring at the strip of light shining through the door jam,” Mark Allen, 26, told reporters in front of Tony’s Pizzeria on Manhattan Avenue. “That’s when I heard the shower.”

Allen said Janet, the hostess, eyed him suspiciously as he entered the empty restaurant at 10 a.m. and walked past her to the restroom.

“People are constantly coming in off the street and asking to use our restroom,” Janet said. “As soon as Mark walked in, I knew what he was up to. He said hello to me in a fake pleasant tone, and walked right past my station.”

Janet’s irritated demeanor told Allen his presence in the establishment was not welcome, and he began to feel guilty. Allen was determined to justify himself.

“I made it to the bathroom, and locked the door, so I had time to think,” Allen said. “I hadn’t eaten anything yet, having only just crawled out of bed, so while I was sitting there, doing my business, I thought, ‘I’ll prove that bitch wrong. Shoot me a dirty look, will she?’ Why, as soon I exit this bathroom, I’ll buy a slice a pizza while I’m here. That’ll show her!”

Without looking in Janet’s direction, Allen said he got in line for pizza, and ordered two slices of pepperoni, and a Coke. As he paid, he glanced over to Janet, who hung her head in embarrassment.

“I really thought he just wanted to use the bathroom like a common bum,” Janet said. “But it turns out I’m the asshole. Mark is a paying customer, and had every right to shit in our toilet. I really need to keep my prejudice in check.”

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9 Comments

  1. **scrawls cellphone number on the bathroom wall & writes underneath ‘4 a fablous time call me’

  2. *mutes the world and returns to downloading house of cards from the piratebay of off stupid neighbours condomless wifi

      1. Now there’s the miserable bastard we know and hate, an irregular small chip off of the New Yorker’s Brooklyn block.
        The Breakthrough: Uncovering NYC Cops Making Millions in Suspicious Deals
        https://www.propub3r6espa33w.onion/podcast/item/the-breakthrough-uncovering-nyc-cops-making-millions-in-suspicious-deals
        ‘Lewis ultimately learned that dozens of top department officials supplement their income with outside jobs and businesses, some of which, like Delatorre’s, appeared to conflict with, or even emerge from, the department’s work in law enforcement. The stories ultimately prompted two separate investigations, one internally, by the police department itself, and another from the New York City Department of Investigation.’

      2. You still can’t find a crack wh0re to fuck you raw in that big cesspool of city yet? Protip: Even crack wh0res have boundaries/limits, just ask Ron Brynaert.

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