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INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of conservative pundit Sean Hannity who was found dead in a Fox News bathroom Wednesday evening. Coworkers reportedly found Hannity’s naked body “mummified” with Fentanyl, a transdermal opiate patch. Authorities confirmed the talk radio superstar died from the resulting drug overdose after applying seventy five of the slow-release painkiller patches.

Hannity’s death came just minutes after disciplinary action from Fox News executives. The talk show host refused to back down from reporting a bogus story claiming Hillary Clinton hired a hit man to kill alleged email leaker Seth Rich. Fox News lost nearly 300 million dollars in advertising deals this afternoon, after Rich’s family begged Hannity to stop spreading unfounded conspiracy theories about his murder.

Long time Hannity frenemy, Rush Limbaugh, told listeners Hannity picked up the nasty opiate habit at a Fox News 9/11 ‘ratings party’ in 2004. Limbaugh said, “Baby Jesus [Hannity] thought he could handle the hard stuff, but it can castrate even the biggest man. I made it out, but not many do. Rest In Peace, Baby Jesus.”

However, a growing contingent of so-called ‘alt right’ conspiracists believe Hannity is just the latest murder victim of a cult-like democratic party that is gaining satanic powers by eating the pineal glands out of gang raped children. Alex Jones told listeners, “This is it folks, this is the purge. I’ll be damn surprised if I make it to next year, much less next week. Hide your children folks, these satanists are coming for them sooner than later.”

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15 Comments

      1. ‘I missed the Barrett Brown tinychat session. Did he get raided again, or was it a total bore fest’ ‘Cause Trump is more entertaining at the moment. Anyways just give Barrett some time ( READ: an eventual relapse; relapses are part of ‘recovery’), & his old Twitter account back.

  1. EDIT: For now, I need to find a place to live within 20 miles of downtown. Anyone who owns an apartment building or has a room to rent or is an aging, divorced woman with a decently appointed condo who would like to engage in a torrid affair with a mysterious ABUSIVE WOMEN BEATING RECOVERING ADDICT ex-con with a tiny PENIS may contact me at [email protected] (send recent photo). DOX optional.

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