Military weather prediction program reaches deep into the past

INTERNET — A team of meteorologists at DARPA have announced a “near solution” to weather prediction so complex that it not only takes into account the gravitational pull of planets in our solar system but also of nearby stars. These systems are so precise, in fact, that the team’s leader, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “We were able to accurately predict a small thunderstorm, not even a mile wide, a year in advance. And we’re just now getting our systems truly synced with all the satellite data.”

However, this weather prediction system is so powerful the government wants to keep it out of the hands of its enemies. Dr. Troubador said, “On the battlefield, this kind of knowledge will allow our boys the edge in every situation.” Luckily for Americans, DARPA has promised to spill the beans on any tornadoes or hurricanes it predicts might threaten citizens — as long as it does not threaten national security.

One unintended consequence of the new technology has scientists from many fields both concerned and excited. Dr. Troubador raved about the technology’s new possibilities, saying, “Within just a few years, we’ll be able to use this technology to extrapolate backwards in time centuries or even thousands of years. It is that accurate. And then we’ll be able to look at the weather during important historic moments and analyze long-term climate changes that led to population declines or increases in the past. We’ll be able to look at the gusts of wind that the vikings rode to the Americas. Did they really colonize the Mayan civilization? Finally we’ll have an answer.”

A colloquium of concerned scientists, however, at the Conference to Protect the Past, say this technology is just one of many that threatens the privacy of people who are long dead. Dr. Cecilia Darwin spoke out, saying, “We are, ourselves, people of the past, and extrapolative technologies such as Dr. Troubador’s are more threatening to privacy than any surveillance program ever conceived. It is altogether plausible that in just a decade or two similar technologies could open up incomprehensibly accurate windows into the private lives of any person in all of history, including anyone alive today. We need to make sure this power is in the hands of capable and competent scientists with a strong ethical framework, rather than military elites.”