INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of absolute video game legend, Billy Mitchell, also known as The King of Kong, who was found dead in his home in Pensacola, Florida Saturday morning. Police Coroners report that Mitchell was shocked to death while replacing King Kong’s native arcade hardware with a “Raspberry Pi” device commonly used in video game emulation and cheating.
Internet Chronicle reporters failed to reach any loved ones or fans who wished to speak about Mitchell’s illustrious video gaming career. However, one enterprising reporter reached out to Mitchell’s therapy eGirl, Meowdalyn, who told reporters, “He knew he was cheating, we all knew he was cheating. I mean whatever. He was still kinda good at games, I guess, but to him it was just a business. He always had to be the King.”
While still the undisputed King of Kong, Mitchell was also often the center of controversy. Famous for alleged “sockpuppeting” on the internet, Mitchell made use of anonymous accounts to infiltrate the chat rooms of his detractors and sow chaos.
“He was a mastermind of psyops,” according to Jake Davis, former lead hacker of LulzSec and Anonymous. “He was in all of our backchannels for the Sony hack, for AntiSec. He’d send us so many bitcoins, too, I think he owned a Waffle House.”
In another dazzling and unlikely feat of heroic journalism, reporters contacted Sabu, the famous snitch who shut down all of Anonymous for five years. “Yeah that guy was a snitch too, just kinda hanging around the FBI buildings like a bum, working with me all along. He’d brag about cheating his ass off in games. Like, he had so many hacks to improve the chances in his favor, he was just popping capacitors in and out. Blowing his own ROMS. I don’t know why he was fucking with an emulator though, that’s lazy. I guess they’re getting better these days, though. Last week he told me they finally fixed the problem with the level loading patterns and he’d have the world record back. The old man could hack an arcade machine, I’ll give him that. His death is a tragedy, so much knowledge lost. Cut one too many corner, then like in Sonichu, Zap. That’s it.”