Zelenskiy: Ukraine Thankful for Javelin Missiles, but War on Biden requires Bunker Busters

President fans, cowering in their refugee-like encampment at Mar-A-Lago, celebrated as Trump announced there will be no Hamberders today, not even a cup of Covfefe. His tired vocal strains echoed through the Florida heat, “The dems have served over 1,000 nothingberders, so that’s what Patriots will eat today.” The cheers from fans lacked all enthusiasm, tired from years of strain. “We need to look into Barack Obama’s fake birth certificate, Hillary’s e-mails, and Joe Biden. I hereby announce that Nancy Pelosi is no longer Speaker of the House.”

“What did Joe Biden do again? Who’s the new speaker?” one President fan asked another. Rudy Giuliani’s spine snapped like a whip, and he barked at the confused man, “Shut up! SHUT UP! I’ll SUE you for LIBEL.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, Democrat Representatives milled around their lobbies in anxiety, wringing their wrinkled greedy hands and asking themselves, “Is this impeachment stuff really going to please the paymasters?” Nancy Pelosi was seen crying in the halls, “But I wanted to be Speaker of the House! This isn’t FAIR.”

Meanwhile, under extreme duress and possibly drugged with some powerful barbiturate by President Trump’s goons, Ukraine’s President Zelenskiy announced that the hunt for Joe Biden is making headway, after confusion about the tit-for-tat agreement with Donald Trump. “We thought we had to kill Biden in exchange for the Javelin missile systems, but it turns out that was a mistake. Now we’re just killing him out of our own goodwill, and the Javelin missile systems are pretty great too.”

The Javelin missile system, which uses an advanced homing device, rockets high into the sky before screaming towards the earth at targets, such as battle tanks, whose armor are only designed to withstand projectiles launched on a horizontal trajectory. According to weaponry expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “None of the Bidens can withstand a direct or indirect hit from the Javelin Missile System, nor can they escape it once it’s been launched, so their best bet is to hide underground in a guerilla tunnel network much like Tora-Bora.” However, talks are already underway as Ukraine seeks to procure Bunker Buster bombs to win the War on Biden.