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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford dead at 46

Toronto Mayor Rib Ford, on drugs
Former Toronto mayor Rob Ford died at age 46.

TORONTO – Rob Ford, the former Toronto mayor, died over the weekend after a long battle with “just having an awesome, good time.”

The infamous Toronto mayor actually died painfully from cancer. Ford was a human being whose pain led him to drugs and partying, which was fun – even if the fun was only for himself – and may have led to his early demise.

Listen (or look): I am not going to sit on my internet ass and tell you Rob Ford was a good leader. He wasn’t even a good man. But like so many of us, Ford did not give a fuck to please you or anyone around him. But unlike so many of us, Mayor Ford did not hide his growing contempt for society and family, which you’re all so intent on creating for us. Ford cared, but only in that kind of, “I wish you were all better, but none of us are, so I’m getting fucked up now,” sort of way. I saw him, insane in the eyes and beautifully grotesque, and for once in my life, I could relate to a public official. I could discuss politics.

Who hasn’t been there? You’re at one of those imperceptible milestones – you can’t see it, but you know – this is as good as you’re ever going to do in life, but you’re fucking it up at the same time as you witness previously undiscovered definitions of mediocrity reveal themselves to you.

Some of us handle this with pure rationalism. Others, delusional barking, and lashing out. And some of us, like Mayor Ford, internalize that battle and fight against ourselves, so hateful for the enemy whom everyone knows best – himself. Attacking the problem at the source, we destroy ourselves and maybe a few others along the way. Ford went down in a hateful quiet, fighting cancer while we laughed at his death throes. Drugs and alcohol. His mental illness was hilarious. His death, our punchline.

Don’t you hate it? Kick him out on corruption charges. Since everything is a joke anyway, to Mr. Ford, you had him die alone, as a joke. But who cares? He was corrupt, by any definition of the word. Offensive by every sense.

We saw in Rob Ford what we saw in ourselves. A depraved, emaciated, psychotic animal, clawing its way out, ugly and wet, and reeking of urine. In fact, Rob Ford’s open manner of drug abuse and public freakouts are the two main activities that built this very website, chronicle.su, so here’s to Rob Ford, who died carrying that message to so many people: Thank you.

We have your back, sir. We’ll carry this torch.

“I might look like Robert Ford, but I feel just like Jesse James.”

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MANIFESTO FOR MILLENNIALS

OH BLEAK, RAINBOW-TINTED POST-APOCALYPTIC IMAGE-DRENCHED MILLENNIALS OF THE WORLD WIDE INTERWEB

Whether ye brand be Bro, Redneck, Hip Hopper, Pill Popper, Punk, Nerd, Hippie, Goth, Fur, Gamer

You are WORTHLESS, and your tuna munching at that important meeting is a disaster for everyone around you!

You’re probably sitting there underemployed, overworked, without benefits, crushed by student loans, and up to your ass in busywork in an office full of older people who just read that story disparaging your generation. They’re all having a chuckle at you right now, aren’t they? This happens at least once or twice a month. They pass these stories around and synchronize a hateful change in their attitudes towards you in the workplace.

Now it’s lunchtime and you feel sudden terror at remembering you packed a tuna sandwich.

MILLENIALS: GO FORTH INTO THE WORLD AND EAT THAT TUNA SANDWICH

 

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55% of Bernie voters to shift to Trump if Hillary wins

Bernie supporters pledge to switch over to Trump if Hillary wins
Bernie supporters pledge to switch over to Trump if Hillary wins

INTERNET — Despite lies peddled by the Hillary-controlled media, Bernie Sanders still has a very likely chance of winning the primary despite facing nearly impossible odds. However, a recent poll by Quinnipiac showed that 55% of Bernie voters would shift their votes to Trump if given Hillary as the only other choice. Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador deconstructed the meaning of this statistical finding, saying, “Voting for Hillary in the primaries is over a half a vote given to Trump. End of story.”

Bernie supporters waved the numbers in Hillary supporters’ faces on social media, final mathematical proof of the correctness of voting for Sanders. Some person somewhere posted on Reddit in response to this very story, “No one can deny it. We hold all the power and they have nothing but their fake establishment tricks – and you know what? We don’t want that. Nothing could be worse than that. And we hold Hillary to be equally as conservative as Trump, because she voted for war and there is basically no difference except that Trump is not a part of the establishment. He is at least a political revolution. Things may get worse before they get better, but under Hillary it would be the very end. The bitter, cold end when America is ruined and tech companies like Apple and Facebook have to take the lead. Democracy 2.0 is on its way, and the antiquated slow-paced stuff is out, it’s crumbling before our eyes.”

Famous political blogger Forrest Oldman said, “The American people, we are like the undergrowth in a forest where the soil is wrecked. It’s rootbound with the overgrowth of big trees, corporations. They stand tall, blocking out the sun. For some it is okay, but for most there is no hope in sight. Their lives are precarious and lean, and they will vote for any hope at all, especially false hopes. The old trees talk to them, tell them how to grow, ‘Do not prune us, for you might one day be a giant yourself. Feed on the lead corrupted waters that we won’t, and you will be stronger than we ever were.’ And so they slowly coax the life out of Americans everywhere.”