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Science

Black holes look just like the sun

The Lebal Drocer Hate-Coil: A little girl shows her family how she believes 46.789% of our known universe will die in a gamma ray burst originating from the Great Attractor
A little girl shows her family how she believes 46.789% of our known universe will die in a gamma ray burst originating from the Great Attractor.

Agents of entropy, black holes are real and they are all around you

spacetimeYou say cheese and the camera steals your soul. What a smile! How many pictures of you are out there, capturing that magical moment when you pretended to be happy on command? What a smile. Such a warm memory. Relive it, exactly as it happened, alongside 999 photographs – all of them magical – from the same evening.

With a swipe of the finger, you’ll rip through a hundred without blinking as the night cascades up and down a smartphone. And wherever it stops, you’ll think to yourself, “Damn, what a smile.”

The lensing maw rearranges the lines of your face into a glowing stream of atoms, the light of which is suspended for eternity on the boundary of an event horizon. An illusory glow, the core of each galaxy swallows light but leaves the casings for astronomers to peer out in wonder.

“What a smile,” the photographer dispassionately exclaims as he folds spacetime, hilariously, first into a donut and then into a convex wireframe bowing and twisting under the weight of your perception. Like it knows its being watched. God is shy, but God damn, what a smile.

The donut folds over like a wolf in combat and collapses into your eyes, grinning on its way down, watching you from the corner of her eye. Eager and thirsty, spacetime rips itself apart to give you a taste of the river of light. But you can’t describe it to anyone. You can’t talk about it, because no word in the vocabulary can approach it without destroying some aspect of its inherent Truth. All the others can do is look at the stupid smirk on your otherwise stoic cat face, and laugh in your direction, and haphazardly declare – not without authentic surprise – “What a smile!”

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News

“Puppy Monkey Baby” is a freakish genetic experiment passed off as CGI

Puppy Monkey Baby spoke with reporters, using the darknet Tor
Puppy Monkey Baby spoke with reporters, using the darknet Tor

THE HIGH TOWER — Fiends at Mountain Dew’s genetic testing labs cooked up a “fully sapient” hybrid puppy, monkey, homo sapiens freak for their yearly tele-orgy comedy show. Sources in the darknet formerly aligned with Alex Jones — before he turned into a fearmongering shill — spoke with investigators at the Internet Chronicle and explicated details of the torturous conditions in which Mountain Dew punishes their abominable creation.

Kept in a cage with only free steam video games and mountain dew and formerly raised by emotionally absent technicians, the puppy monkey baby suffers a terrible existence, which he blogs about under a pseudonym he refuses to disclose. “Call me Frank, for now,” he says to the reporters — routing his Skype call through the infamous darknet, Tor.

Frank made weird, choking pug noise and his spider monkey arms flapped up and down. “Life is hell. My body literally does not work except on a diet of Mountain Dew, and I shit, piss, and sweat that acidic neon bullshit.”

Frank opened his mouth, reporters scenting his rotting maw even at the digitally-compressed sight. “No dental plan, and nothing to eat or drink but carbonic acid and sugar. But I’d die without it! It extends my life cycle by years.”

Frank growled, gritted black teeth, and shredded at the diaper with his powerful monkey claws. “They’re taunting you, you fools! Laughing in your faces! Every major corporation is bio-engineering their own species of dependents, servants, subjects — this is the new world order! Monsanto — they’re the ones creating smallhead farmers for their big move into South America, using Zika as a weapon. Oh — oh — just you fucking wait until thousands of babies are being born like me, as puppy monkey babies, and you’re feeding them their mountain dew.”

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News

Modified Zika Virus outbreak linked to US Navy’s darknet

The Zika Virus is the first strike in a global genetic enslavement regime
The Zika Virus is the first strike in a global genetic enslavement regime

INTERNET — Snowden came forward Sunday with shocking details of a plan by the US Navy to infect mothers in enemy countries with a modified virus that creates pinheaded subhuman babies for future enslavement.

Reporters Frank Mason and Ralph Haetsch met with Edward Snowden inside a custom built Faraday enclosure in Moscow’s Red Square, in which the NSA whistleblower resides permanently. The thin mesh cage of activated steel supposedly separates Snowden from certain microwave annihilation and manipulation via HAARP broadcast. Snowden’s health has begun to deteriorate due to the permanent confinement, and visitors wear masks to prevent themselves from catching his worsening cough.

Snowden’s telepresence at various functions in America has funded an otherwise lavish, futuristic lifestyle. By cleverly looping footage, feigning network downtime, and maintaining nine active laptops, Snowden hopes to one day spread the message of a free and democratic Internet to every village in the world. But for today’s announcement, Snowden powered down all his computers and gave Internet Chronicle reporters his full attention.

Snowden cleared his swollen throat and spoke in a somber, hushed voice, “When Glenn Greenwald told you the best was yet to come, he meant it. The Zika Virus is part of a nascent genetic discipline system in development by the United States Navy.”

Muttering and coughing as he outlined the connection between Tor and the genetic weaponry, Snowden suddenly found his voice and spoke with total clarity, “The modified Zika virus and its specially engineered carrier mosquito were developed with the use of a distributed supercomputer piggybacking on the popular darknet nodes of Tor. It’s not anything anyone would ever see in the source code, it’s hiding in the advanced math. A few specially designed rogue nodes seed the crypto network causing it to solve problems related to creating genetic weaponry like the Zika virus.”

Snowden croaked, on the verge of tears, “4,000 children in Brazil were genetically modified by the US Navy’s weapon, transforming babies into what internal documents call ‘slave stock’. Genetic weaponry has been deployed for the first time on the populations of South America.”

Haetsch asked Snowden if he would end public support for the Navy’s darknet, Tor, which incidentally enables such horrific genetic warfare, but Snowden only doubled down on his previous position. “You should still use Tor. If you’re a dissident you need cover, it is still the only fully scalable and effective Crypto out there. It saved my life, and it could save yours.”