Charlie Hebdo provoked a cascade of events that has brought the Internet nearly shuttering to a stop
INTERNET — International fiber optic connections between continents are seemingly failing in a cascade. At least twenty of the most important transcontinental lines have gone down. The FBI issued a statement, saying, “The CyberJihad has begun, and it appears the terrorists are using both digital as well as more physical tactics.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in Cyberwar at the Thatherton Cyber Institute told reporters,”Rather than the cliche’d millenial fear of a hacker attack that crashes the electrical grid, this terror attack has hit a more vital and overlooked system, a global system which enables free communication between citizens of different nations.”
China and North Korea have capitalized on the chaos, deploying their massive and highly trained Cyberarmies to disable all western Name Servers, effectively ruining hundreds of millions of smartphones and tablets in Europe and North America.
All Western media outlets are fighting off heavy DDoS attacks and readers have reported strange disappearing sentences mentioning the protocols of the elders of Zion inserted into stories about Charlie Hebdo. President Obama, Vice President Biden, and Newt Gingrich were “doxed,” their personal phone numbers posted on President Obama’s Twitter account.
CYBERWAR — Freedom Fighters from the Anonymous hacker collective have continued their cyberwar in Operation Charlie Hebdo and claim to have doxed thousands of Islamists hiding in Europe and the US. Meanwhile, CyberJihadists from ISIS hacked the United States Central Command and tweeted America’s imminent invasion plans for both China and North Korea.
Veteran Anonymous hacker Commander X told reporters, “It’s amazing that the Internet is still even holding together, if even by a thread. I have never seen cyberwar on this scale — it’s the digital equivalent of the D-Day invasion of Normandy out here. We are working around the clock to dox every last sleeper cell from Al Qaeda to ISIS, even though it might seem impossible. The thousands of dox we already have in our possession cannot be made public, and we are considering hiring bitcoin hitmen as well as some other alternatives to reporting terrorists to the fascist US government. But Anonymous and freedom will prevail, and Charlie Hebdo will be avenged.”
EXCLUSIVE! Chronicle.su is the only publication cleared to run this cartoon in the entire Soviet Union!
CYBERWAR — Anonymous claimed a tremendous victory in its #OpCharlieHebdo campaign by downing all Internet in areas controlled by da3sh, the terrorist “cancer” growing in the heart of the middle east, also known as ISIS or the Islamic State.
The Hacker known as Weev AKA 4chan, acting as temporary official spokesperson for Anonymous (while Barrett Brown is in Jail), told reporters, “The brave white men at Charlie Hebdo are surely the truest practitioners of satire on the whole Earth. They have been avenged, for Thor’s lulz. The Internet at da3sh will be down until those goatfuckers send themselves up to their baby-rape heaven.”
Weev is not a Christian, but a folkish, or militant right-wing practitioner of a vague Norse polytheistic reconstructionist faith, emphasizing the God of Power and Violence, Odin. Weev gained notoriety in America and Northern Europe for popularizing a pornographic image of a depraved man with the biggest gaping asshole in the world, as stretched to its absolute limit.
The Arab world has long accused Anonymous of acting as an instigator and meddler in their local affairs after Anonymous operations added chaos to an already destabilized situation in Tunisia and Egypt at critical moments while CIA agents installed regimes more friendly to the West during the so-called “Arab Spring.”
Iran’s Press TV even accused Anonymous of being a false flag operation of the United States, citing the well-known false flag crimes committed by Islamist Hector Xavier Monsegur, AKA Sabu, who led thousands of attacks on police departments and innocent news organizations in the US after being co-opted by the “FBI.” Press TV cited New Homeland security laws introduced secretly in FISA courts that call for “aggressive and pro-active networking in all branches and twigs in all federal, state, provincial, and local governments.”
Commander X, veteran lieutenant in the Anonymous hacker collective, explained, “Lots of trolls think that Anonymous convinced allies of the pro-US rebellion to shelter themselves in the US-backed Tor Internet cloaking device. That’s bullshit. We fight for freedom. They also say we defaced the government websites, a feat that surely enabled us to leak something that we never leaked. Trolls. They say that LOIC is just a trap for noobs. TROLLS. Don’t listen to the haters and the bullshit. We hate America just as much as any jihadist, but Free Speech is even more important. Je Suis Charlie!”
