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Obituaries

Slavoj Zizek dead at 65

Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.
Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.

Ljubljana, Slovenia — Fans mourn the loss of 65-year-old Marxist commentator Slavoj Žižek, who lost his lifelong battle with cocaine addiction Monday.

Though he was not considered by intellectuals to be a “true” philosopher, which bothered him deeply, Žižek was regarded by his following as a forward thinker and a master in his field.

He gained notoriety as a Communist editorial writer during the liberalization of former Yugoslavia under Tito – where his drug habit began – and later played himself in screenplays “The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema” and “The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology.”

Žižek was found alone in his Ljubljana flat where he was confirmed dead. Paramedics on the scene told reporters he appeared to be coated in a fine dust, “presumably cocaine,” one witness said.

Sources close to Žižek who asked that their names be withheld said he had grown cold and distant.

Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including "coke nose."
Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including “coke nose.”

The source said Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of drug abuse during public appearances at universities and forums. Eccentric mannerisms – his wild, swinging hands, half-hour tangents and long, unending chains of run-on clauses – are just a few examples, while publicists and MCs blamed his constantly running nose on “allergies” to spare him any indignity.

“Talking to Slavoj was like talking to someone through six inches of bulletproof glass,” the source told chronicle.su. “He said he understood our concerns, but his lost, vacant eyes told another story.”

Žižek’s editors complained his writing had become scattered and disjointed. McGraw-Hill told the Internet Chronicle that Žižek often repeated himself throughout his copy, and that editors sometimes used the Microsoft Windows command ‘ctrl+f’ to highlight and revise countless instances of repetition. In a single draft, Žižek was rumored to have used the word “Hegelian” more than 2,000 times.

Royalties from Žižek’s various works are expected to go to Jela Krečič, his wife. The family has asked the media to respect their privacy in this difficult and uncertain time.

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Entertainment

Charles Manson breaks silence on #GamerGate: ‘Look at your game, girl’

2009 screenshot from Manson's canceled reality TV show Manson Family Values.
2009 screenshot from Manson’s canceled reality TV show ‘Manson Family Values.’

INTERNET — After waiting for Internet Shitstorm of the Year to die down, the scariest man in Hollywood, Charles Manson has finally cast his characteristically centered, and thought-out opinion on a divisive row taking place between #TheRedPill-ers, who fight for men’s rights, and so-called Social Justice Warriors, who fight for everyone else’s rights.

“We’re all trying to play the game, alright,” Manson said. “We’re all ‘gamers’ here, and the reason we play the game, ladies, it ain’t because we like the game,” Manson said. “It’s because you started it. It’s because you chose to play the game.”

Manson told Phil Donahue in a January 5 interview the #GamerGate row is about ethics in gaming journalism. Manson described the struggle as a “sad, sad” and “mad” game. Manson said men have every right to feel threatened by the presence of women in the videogame journalism industry. Women are natural gamers, he said.

“Look at your game, girl,” Manson said. “What a mad delusion, living in that confusion. Frustration. Doubt. Can you ever live without the game?”

Manson, who was recently married to the 25-year-old based Afton Burton, said that in the nearly 50 years he has spent playing the game, little has changed. He said inability to focus on the truth at hand could destroy peace efforts, and might even lead to heartache.

“Can you feel?” he asked. “Are those feelings real? If you can’t feel, and the feelings ain’t real, then you better stop trying,” Manson said, “or you’re gonna play cryin’. Stop tryin’ or you’re gonna play cryin’. That’s the game. Sad, sad game. Mad game. Sad game.”

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News Politics Reviews Technology Trolling

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”