Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of kickboxing legend Andrew Tate, who was found dead in his mansion outside of Bucharest from an apparent overdose on DMT.

Authorities found excess quantities of the “spirit molecule” in Tate’s still-smoking cigar.

Tate was catapulted to fame when video surfaced of him whipping a young woman with his belt. The kickboxer was recently released from prison after facing charges for human trafficking in relation to his crying camgirl farm.

Proceeds from Tate’s Mutli-level Marketing campaign, the so-called “Hustler University” have been seized by the Romanian government, as litigation against the scheme is ongoing.

Many fans believe that Tate’s overdose on the “spiritual molecule” Dimethyltryptamine (DMT) has brought him into a higher realm. Hardcore fan, 14 year old Charlie Gilliam of Liverpool told reporters, “He’s wit machine elves now bruv,” teary eyed and ripping hard on a cigarette, “The fookin’ matrix, yo. Fook.”

[Editor’s note: Reporters seized the minor’s cigarettes and informed his parents, who didn’t seem to care.]

FLORIDA — Fans mourn the loss of Tucker Carlson, political commentator and beloved voice of Conservative America.

Carlson was found dead in his bed Saturday morning from an alleged brain aneurysm and is survived by his wife Susan and his four children. Boca Grande Police investigators said there were no signs of foul play but that all possibilities, including the use of “microwave weapons,” were being pursued.

The tragic death of Carlson comes just weeks after his firing from Fox News, where he spearheaded the network’s opinion and commentary with a powerful spin that critics often derided as “conspiracy theory.”

In the wake of his firing, Carlson promised a return to showbiz, continuing his show with two short videos posted on Twitter, criticizing the news media for ignoring the truly important issues of the day.

Longtime Tucker Carlson fan Dale Gallihan told reporters, “This goes to show how naive we were to think Tucker could have gotten away with it so easy. He’s up against the deep state, lizards who are more ruthless and powerful than even he could imagine.”

Veteran reporter and analyst Vic Livingstone, author of Slowkill Genocide, wrote “Tucker was going to end legacy media with his new Twitter show and I think Rupert Murdoch called in his microwave assassination team, it was a fullkill Havana Syndrome. The new weapons can penetrate even the most carefully wrought Faraday cages, so even the elites are not safe.”

INTERNET — The Anonymous hacking collective announced “Operation Pool’s Closed,” Tuesday, calling on hacktivists around the world to shut down Tim Pool’s podcast after his wild political rants radicalized yet another mass shooter, leading to several more deaths.

The fallout for Pool has been instant and devastating. Leaked messages from 2014 reveal Tim Pool’s desperate pleas to give oral sex to trans Internet Chronicle reporter Jaime Cochran.

Long before Tim Pool’s rise to fame, the future right wing podcast host appeared in the 2014 documentary film Hacker Wars, partying alongside trans Internet Chronicle writer Jaime Cochran and future neo-nazi white nationalist Andrew Aurnheimer. At this time both weev and Pool claimed to be members of the leftist “Occupy” movement, representing the 99%.

Self-swatting victim Barrett Brown and disgraced sexual harassment philosophy professor Peter Ludlow also appeared in the critically-acclaimed documentary, adding to the extreme sexual tension between Cochran and Pool.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, a close personal friend and coworker of Jaime’s said, “Asshurt [Cochran] certainly believed that Pool’s slide towards anti-trans homophobia began with this exchange, which became heated. He was a man scorned, and he has not forgotten or forgiven Jamie. This rejection caused him to extend his malice for her towards all trans people, everywhere. Since then he has nearly sworn off all sex, claiming to be a ‘graysexual’, but we all know his constant campaign against trans people started with his inability to give good head.”