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“Metal Gear” Propaganda Tool Deployed on Americans

Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America's possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda "atom bomb" known as Metal Gear
Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America’s possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda “atom bomb” known as Metal Gear

CYBERSPACE — Tens of thousands of protesters across America taking part in the Black Lives Matter movement were declared a threat to homeland security and emergency propaganda tools previously deemed suitable only for foreign combat zones have been deployed on Americans by the US Navy, affecting social networks everywhere. Metal Gear is a sophisticated apparatus controlling tens of millions of fake social media profiles and manned by Aaron Barr, perpetual enemy of Anonymous and powerful neoliberal hacker. Anonymous discovered Metal Gear after Barrett Brown phoned Barr’s email provider and asked for permission to access his top-secret cyberweapons.

Aaron Barr personally triggered off viral awareness of Bill Cosby’s well-known history of rape, injecting a suppressed and terrible story about white America’s most beloved black figure into mass consciousness at a pivotal moment that would define white hatred for the Black Lives Matter movement. Weapons of Mass Manipulation (WMM) were thought to only be in the hands of professional armies, but thanks to the investigation of Brown, we now know they are not only being deployed to harm civil rights activists, but also to push products for Apple and Carl’s Junior.

Brown is also facing time for angrily threatening to “look into” the life of an FBI agent’s children in a youtube video, which media theorists speculate could have been triggered by advanced manipulations of the output of Brown’s personal computer in an effectively automated gaslighting process intended to drive him insane. Despite this, Brown plead guilty to the threats.

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Sports

Igor Ivanov takes first place in Russian roulette semifinals, one dead

Siberian Open 2014
The most destitute sport on Earth

SIBERIA– Igor Ivanov took first place after his only surviving opponent took his own life during the hotly anticipated Siberian Open Russian Roulette Tourney ’14. The to-be annual championship is held at the prestigious abandoned number station south of Kayerkan Кайеркан.

Event coordinators came up with the idea when desperate athletes, eager for drink and a little potato money, clamored for the opportunity to flirt with suicide in exchange for airplane fuel, which the men drink and use to get drunk and high, or “crunk” as it is understood in the Decadent West. The rise of the sport coincides with the hopeless fall of the Russian ruble, as Putin promises to track down and execute speculators.

“Man lay gun at table before me,” Ivanov, 46, recounted. “He spin revolver, put gun in mouth, squeeze eyes shut tight, squeeze trigger. I win!”

The body of 28-year-old Vsevolod Alliluyev was unceremoniously deposited into a tiger’s cage, where no one stayed to watch the thin, starving animal consume his remains.

Alliluyev, an out-of-work fisherman from Irkutsk, was no man’s friend, according to Yannick Jacobs, who organized the suicidal bloodbath.

“He drifted in from somewhere, I don’t know,” Jacobs said. “He smelled like urine but he had a few rubles – which, as you know, are just about worthless right now – so I told him as long as he used his own bullets, he could play.”

Jacobs said it just so happened Alliluyev carried his own small supply of .44 magnum bullets, should such an opportunity arise.

“They were his fortune,” Jacobs said. “He was worth more in bullets than anything else, because life is cheap in Russia. We are animals huddled against our own dead, trying to keep warm.”

Ivanov said he is happy to receive his meager winnings: a ration of airplane fuel and Alliluyev’s remaining bullets.

“I will live to see another horrifying day at the hands of this Russian mafia,” he said. “Today is good day in Russia. Praise Putin! May he reign eternally!”

Ivanov will move on to the finals Sunday where he alone will play before a crowd of at least two dozen people, using a fully loaded revolver. If he wins the next round, he will ascend to the rank of regional god-king, and take his throne next to Soviet Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“All god-kings are made this way,” Jacobs said.

Viewers using DSL internet (or faster), can click the play button below to hear the official announcement declaring Ivanov the winner.

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Behind Anonymous mask, Vice calls for a boycott of Vice

Today a Vice owned and operated "Anonymous" brand twitter account perversely called for a boycott of Vice
A Vice owned and operated “Anonymous” brand twitter account perversely called for a boycott of Vice

PERVERSITY — Saturday afternoon YourAnonNews, one of the most popular Anonymous-themed twitter accounts, shared advice on how to boycott Vice after Sabu, the infamous traitor and former leader of Anonymous, was seen partying at Vice’s 20th anniversary party. It is well known that YourAnonNews is in fact owned and operated by Vice, a company that exploits its workers and is partially owned by media mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Young journalists across the world aspire to write for the hip and trendy media company, but the powers behind the scenes at Vice are rarely seen or criticized. A strange pretzel has twisted in on itself in an elegant fashion: While Vice parties in lavish style with Sabu, the turncoat responsible for arresting the nexus of hackers that animated much of the early growth of Anonymous, it also calls for its own boycott.