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Categories
Editorial Hate

Hacker and Troll ‘Weev’ Flees America for Gaza

Why is everybody so upset by this run-of-the-mill Nazi?

GAZA—People flee the United States after being wrongly imprisoned all the time, many after facing false charges stemming from a big telecom company’s sheer hatred.

Maybe they just posted something negative online about the telecom company or got frustrated in their hellish phone labyrinths. But Weev is one of the tens of thousands of people in exile from telecoms who we’ve actually heard about, and he’s moved to Gaza to join Hamas — all because while in prison he faced a brainwashing scheme instituted by AT&T’s corporate prisons that pulled a nasty double-trick on him.

Don’t believe it? Snowden’s released a “Bonus Round” of secrets hacked from the CIA. Firstly, hired actors surrounded Weev in his prison and forced him to believe that the too-liberal US government was primarily to blame for the deplorable conditions of all things, radicalizing his beliefs. Of course, the type of anti-government beliefs forced into Weev are the dominant belief system of the majority of people in the United States and he already believed it a little bit, so it did not take very much brainwashing to push it to the level that it triggered his nervous flight from the country to its worst enemy.

Snowden’s Bonus CIA leaks showed that the CIA calls this kind of expatriation the “Devil’s Mark,” and it is one of the best indications that the brainwashing has set in to the point of complete control. Weev fled to join Hamas in Gaza at the height of a wave of Islamophobia and received his “Devil’s Mark,” just as Lee Harvey Oswald received his, fleeing to the Soviet Union at the height of McCarthyism.

As every American is taught in public school, at the advent of World War 2 the US suffered from an immense technological disadvantage with its enemies in Germany and Japan. However, the US was not too far from many of the worst aspects of Nazi ideology.

Power was more than ever concentrated in the top executives and many states instituted Eugenics laws which euthanized thousands of rural Americans, who were often deemed retarded and euthanized just for speaking in their local dialects or for their traditional American subsistence farming economies outside of the dominant capitalist and education systems.

This was a genocide of the true indigenous European American race. Few of the old whites survived, and many that did were only brought into the dominant system by other means. Perhaps Weev is one of the last, but he seems so much more one of these scary new nightmare “whites” obsessively homogenized through government human spaying and neutering programs. Who’s to say if that’s more or less sinister than the system in Nazi Germany?

We all know that Christianity made a taboo of usury and in a sense determined that bankers must be Jewish, and then in Germany they turned to their version of a mass produced eugenics system to pump up capital and homogenize their culture. It’s violent means for the same ends, a near mirror-image, the only difference being circumstances and degree. The Japanese Americans were prepped up good for a final solution in case things went bad, but things went okay where they didn’t in Germany.

The two most heavily charged third rails in American politics are, tellingly, Nazis and Muslims. Nazis are America’s evil twin, and to be like a Nazi is not even an outlandish thing in the white United States — even the most liberal-seeming commenters are reformed Nazis shedding stern white tears. It is only unacceptable to label oneself a Nazi. And Islam is another mirror-image demon phenomenon. As far as doctrine, geography, literature, social organization, and so on and so on, Christendom and the House of Islam are two feuding siblings, opposites only in their own perception and near-twins to everyone else. Of course it wasn’t enough for the brainwashers to emphasize Weev’s anti-semitism and anti-Christianity by sending him off to Gaza, they had to take it a step further.

Through their mock-prison brainwashing program, they made him into a self-declared Heathen (A parody religion based on Christian literature recounting Heathen oral traditions) which is in the eyes of Americans far worse and even more opposite of Christianity than Islam (Islam is arguably less theistic and more rational than Christianity as its central figure, Muhammad, does not mix the divine with the human (Is the Angel Gabriel God’s sex avatar, doing unimaginably powerful and strange things to a virgin?!))

The feds did a hell of a number on Weev in his fake prison, and whether they performed a kind of political deactivation or set him up to be the cyber version of Lee Harvey Oswald, the world is yet to see.

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Categories
Health Politics

Obama Seeks to Celebrate Affordable Care Act Anniversary in Most Affordable Way Possible

President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.
President Barack Obama encourages Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with every portion of bread.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the one-year anniversary of the immediately successful launch of healthcare.gov approaches, the Obama administration has finalized plans to celebrate in a big way.

Or as press secretary Josh Earnest put it, “it’s gonna be fucking patriotic as shit—the American Way, fgts.”

After weeks of floundering from the administration on how they would celebrate Obama’s landmark law, the almost-universal, wholly-neoliberal, not-at-all-egalitarian Affordable Care Act, it seems that Obama has signed off on an elaborate, costly, and controversial ceremony to take place on the South Lawn at the White House on October 1st, the anniversary of the laws implementation.

What is the ceremony? What can we expect? How can we get tickets?

Hold your healthcare, Internet Chronicler! To answer your last question first, you won’t need to get tickets. The Obama Administration, the most in-touch-with-the-people administration ever, has made it so you do not even have to leave your couch to be part of history.

“Mr. Obama understands the incentive difficulty of physical activity when you have Affordable and full-coverage,” Earnest said. “That’s why every American will be able to watch the ceremony on their television set. They will be able to take part from the comfort of inside their over-valued houses.”

Vague, but a joint press release from the Offices of Health and Human Services and Treasury further clarified: “A mandatory $79.99 charge will be placed on all American credit, debit, EBT, etc. cards for the pay-per-view event on October 1. No exceptions.”

What about those of us who spent the wages we reserved for a tee-vee on our (Affordable) Obamacare bill?

Great question, citizen. Susan Rice, PBO’s National Security advisor, says that the NSA is working overtime to triangulate the ceremony directly to your smartphone, flip-phone, laptop, PC, “whatever… we’ll use your metadata to make sure you have access.”

This is a bold move from the administration. But, they see it as “participatory politics at its purest.”

So what is the ceremony?

Mr. Obama will be taking the Hippocratic Oath on the South Lawn and declaring himself Eternal Surgeon General. It is rumored that the first of hopefully many Death Panels will close the ceremony.

While the Hippocratic Oath is generally reserved for physicians, and Obama has absolutely no medical training whatsoever, the administration sees this as part and parcel in the solidification of Mr. Obama’s legacy, which now rests only on the admirable merits of: drone warfare; lawful NSA spying; the unprecedented, necessary War on Whistleblowers; the surge in Afghanistan; keeping Gitmo open; failure to close corporate tax loopholes; deciding not to prosecute those involved in the torture interrogation program; being a shitty father; etc.

“Like me, Mr. Obama knows the value of a good oath,” Bernie Madoff, who is expecting a Presidential pardon at the end of Obama’s term, said earlier today from his North Carolina prison cell. “I just hope my credit card won’t get declined so I can see the goddamn ceremony myself!”

God bless Obamacare. And God Bless the United States of America.

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Categories
Religion Technology

ISIS issues Fatwa against Reddit

The Caliph of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit.
The Caliph of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit.

INTERNET—Caliph Ibrahim al-Badri al-Samarrai of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit after a user known as “jewishvirgin” posted an insulting depiction of the prophet Muhammed.

The founder of Islam was drawn crudely as a pig defecating rainbows, his face covered in phalluses.

Pigs are not eaten by adherents to most Islamic traditions, and Christians have demonized Muslim leaders with accusations of homosexuality since the medieval age. The Caliph promised to hunt down and behead any Redditors captured within the Islamic State’s territory.

Other more moderate Islamic clerics and Christian religious leaders denounced the cartoon, expressing outrage at Reddit’s snide and divisive humor.

Emir Ibn-Al Rahman told reporters, “The Islamic world is more angered and outraged by ISIS than the Christian world, and this kind of a thing only further divides Christians and Muslims.”

Pope Francis grew angry when commenting on the cartoon, even growling as he said, “I’ve reactivated the inquisition, and any Catholic who shares or promotes this material or anything like it will find themselves excommunicated.”

Internet sociologist and expert on trolling culture, Dr. Cecilia Darwin, said, “Such offensive humor used to be relegated to more seedy corners of the Internet such as 4chan, but it seems Reddit has increasingly grown into a hate machine beyond anyone’s wildest imagination, perhaps officially ushering in an age of ceaseless religious wars that will be increasingly spurned on by trolls.”

Shifting her glasses and shaking nervously, Dr. Darwin added, “They should know that conflict trolling is no laughing matter, and that people will die because of this harmful joke.”

UPDATE: After news of the Fatwa reached moderators of /r/funny and /r/WTF, the offensive threads and links to the image were removed from Reddit.