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Technology

New Microsoft boss did “so much” cocaine prior to Windows 10 announcement: “We’re skipping 9″

“I did THIS MUCH cocaine.” — New MS boss Satya Nadella announced at a business event that he can not feel his hands

In an unprecedented act of self-hatred, Microsoft has announced it will distance itself from the hilariously bad Windows 8 by refusing to name the next build generation Windows 9.

“Windows 10 will be so fucking badass,” a visibly AMPED Terry Myerson, head of the operating systems group, told the audience. “It would be pretty fucked up to call it Windows 9. Is it hot in here to you?”

The company said users were hesitant to click big empty tiles that only took them to websites to buy software and media content, which was of course loaded onto the “real” Windows experience, with the taskbar on the bottom of the screen and the Windows button, prompting many to question why there were tiles at all.

“We tried to get people to click on Tiles and buy stuff to put in their tiles but nobody wanted that shit. It was patronizing, ugly, and very fucking pointless,” a totally psyched Satya Nadella, new Microsoft boss, said. “I mean, Jesus Christ, how are you guys not burning up in this heat?”

“All the even numbered Windows builds suck, and all the odd-numbered builds did very well,” Nadella said. “So in light of the miserable, ass-sucking failure that is Microsoft Windows 8, we hope to recover from our missteps by skipping Windows 9 altogether and going straight to 10. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how much cocaine I just did. Now for fuck’s sake, will someone turn on the god damn AC?”

Comments:

asshurtmacfags:
fucking AMPED
sweating like a BOSS

hatesec:
I can see that guy doing coke in his underwear
talkin about how AWESOME Windows 9 is gonna be.
and then it comes to him
“Dude, you know what? Fuck it.”
“What Satya?”
“Just, fuck it. Get this: Windows *10*.”
and the room explodes into a roar
people get on the phone ordering more 8 balls
everybody’s got their faces down on the table
Windows 10, my fucking sweet GOD

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Categories
Religion Uncontrollable Patriotism

Fraught Historic Parallel stokes Islamophobia for America’s Left

Is the Islamic State religious? Are they just like the Spanish Inquisition?
Is the Islamic State religious? Are they just like the Spanish Inquisition?

INTERNET—Yet another anti-religious scientist columnist slipped miserably in a fraught attempt to deploy a historic parallel to back up his point of view. Jerry A. Coyne, of New Republic, veered into the perilous field of theology in his unfortunately entitled opinion piece, If ISIS Is Not Islamic, then the Inquisition Was Not Catholic. This mildly Islamophobic tract, which criticizes Obama and others for declaring that the Islamic State is not Islamic, proposes the absurd and wrong parallel with the Catholic tradition of inquisitions but doesn’t touch at all on the history.

The most infamous and brutal inquisitions were not at all endorsed or carried out by the Catholic church, but rather enforced independently by practitioners of statecraft in the Machiavellian political spirit, especially Ferdinand and Isabella. Ironically, giving flesh to the titular parallel would undo Coyne’s position that the Islamic State is indeed motivated by religion and instead seems to point towards the Islamic State as a bare political power grab using religion only so far as it is politically useful.

Coyne’s ironically problematic titling aside, the basis of his theological argument is that there is no such thing as true religion and that Obama and others are calling “false” on the Islamic State only because it conflicts with their personal view of what a “true” Islam should look like. Never mind the centuries of Islamic scholarship that could be brought in to compare to that of the Islamic State, it is simple enough for Coyne to dismiss religion as a field of meaninglessness where without a true or a false we’re left with pessimistic political speech from the likes of Obama.

Coyne’s theology says that if there were such a thing as a true religion, its holy texts should appeal to the same kind of truth as science. That is, the historic literalism of some fundamentalists who believe a seminal text to be true history are on the right track but fail only because they do not possess true history. This is troubling because it affirms the interpretations of religions that transfer best into the political ideologies, the kind that are ruining the public school system in America and inspiring Islamic terrorists.

Coyne also says that all religion is worse than false, it is irrational, implying that only science can be true or false, or rational. He mixes blood libels against Islam — the usual genital mutilation, et al. — with recurring bugaboos from American political struggles such as abortion. In this way, he transfers frustrations of America’s left from the right’s still growing religious impulse over to the Islamic State, and this way aligns the left with the right in their fear and hate for the Islamic State.

It is beyond depressing to watch this kind of warmongering Islamophobia work its way through America’s left like a virulent salve soothing the guilt of perpetual war on the Muslim world.

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Categories
Law Technology

Richard Stallman Arrested for Criminal Negligence

INTERNET—After the notorious “shellshock” bug was found, embedded irresponsibly in millions of computers by Richard Stallman of the free and open source GNU platform, Stallman was charged with criminal negligence and may face over 50 million years in jail when convicted of all five million counts.

Critics believe that Stallman went far beyond negligence and actually inserted the bug purposefully, in order to diminish American computer security.

Bill O’Reilly, of the O’Reilly factor, said:

“This Stallman nerd filled his software with holes and said he made it for free. Obviously there’s more to this crime than investigators know, but could it be that one computer nerd has been siphoning trillions of dollars out of our economy and into the hands of enemies and terrorists for decades? Just how is it that Japan has had smartphones and wireless technology capable of streaming full HD since the early 90’s? I blame Richard Stallman.”

Stallman is being held in solitary confinement without bail and will face trial in April of 2025.