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Amanda Bynes: A Transhuman Experiment Gone Awry

Did Amanda Bynes’ parents have the means motives and opportunity to plant a chip in her head, effectively making her a Transhuman?

INTERNET—Amanda Bynes’ latest tweets strongly suggests she must be among the first generation of cybernetic transhumans, or may even be the very first ever, if it is indeed true, as she claims, that a chip was surgically installed into her body. Human-brain interfaces, also known as HBIs, are a wide range of technologies which, since the early 80’s, have allowed people to interact with a computer on a neurological level. That is, HBIs allow anyone to use a computer without the mechanical click of a mouse or a keyboard.

Amanda Bynes’ father worked on a team that developed a version of HBI technology that wired computers directly into the brains of mice while her mother went to work as an assistant to a plastic surgeon specializing in breast implants. Some experts speculate that given the most cutting-edge technology available in the 80’s, the “brain chip” would be too large for a human skull and must have been installed elsewhere, most likely in the thigh or breast.

As always happens with new technologies, something has gone awry with Amanda Bynes’ implant. On Twitter, she teases her father and mother, alleging incest as a symbol for the monstrous overwhelming love that caused them to make her inhuman. No sane person would give her empathy for the true story, that she is a cybernetic transhuman, so she must remake her story out of another more believable cloth. As she admitted that the incest story was counterfeit, she announced her true belief that her father had both designed and installed the chip that modulated her brain.

Many have imagined that the extremely wealthy would sire the first generation of transhumans, but it seems some lucky portion of power fell into the hands of the new technology’s most adept practitioners. By amplifying the circuits in Amanda Byne’s brain that produce charisma, Bynes was made  into Nickelodeon’s biggest child star — ever. Science and the love of her parents was seemingly able to enhance her brain, giving her unnatural talents. Experts believe that chips from the 80’s would have, after several years, malfunctioned because of body heat. Some point to a rapid breast-size change or sudden hair loss and check videos and images of Bynes for signs of surgeries, but it is not clear whether she has had any subsequent surgeries to either repair or enhance her malfunctioning charisma unit. “Her incredible comeback,” said HBI researcher Dr. Troubador, “Seems to me to be the height of her charisma, a birth of a totally new species!”

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Amanda Bynes accuses father of Incest, promises restraining order

INTERNET—Former Nickelodeon child actress Amanda Bynes came back to Twitter Friday, giving fans more of the floundering former child star peep show than they bargained for. Bynes told the masses:

“My dad was verbally and physically abuse to me as a child . . . He called me ugly as a child and then asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and i did not know how to respond I said no. My dad fondled himself in front of me so many times that i started recording him on my phone in hopes of catching him. My mom knows that my father’s literally and physically incestual towards his own daughter and the fact that she never called the police on Him embarrasses me to no end. I cannot hear the sound of His incestually charged voice ever again and I’m just being honest. So call me what you want but please do not call me crazy or insane because that’s a joke.”

Earlier, Byne continued her campaign of lawsuit threats to tabloids who depict her as ugly and crazy, as well as announcing her engagement, tweeting, “I am getting married and my boyfriend and I are going to be on the cover People magazine.”

Surveillance footage of Bynes dancing while shopping “went viral,” Friday, perhaps triggering the latest flood of tweets. Bynes was mostly absent from Twitter since her drug-addled breakdown last year, but her return has fans of child actress voyeurism in spasms of orgasmic pleasure as they integrate the new twisted aspect to the child star’s family life.

EDIT! Amanda Bynes unveiled that these tweets were all part of a master troll. Her troll was wrapped in a hilarious “tinfoil” joke that’s now common fashion for participants of the online idea (can’t arrest it) of Anonymous. Referencing a common brain-invasion theory, Bynes revealed that the risky deception to slander her parents was the result of a “brain chip” that her dad surgically installed into her at an early age. Bynes may have also been slyly referencing the character Angela, from William Gibson’s Count Zero, who similarly had a chip installed in her brain by billionaire parents a chip to enhance her intelligence.

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Society

A Titan of a Job

Midnight: total darkness takes over the desert. Call comes through. It’s Ron, sez I’m due down at the docks in two hours for a crate job. Well, well, well, looks like my Saturday night just got a little more lucrative, doesn’t it?

But a sudden smell came over me. Perhaps a phantom, but it sniffed real. I inhaled, deeply. It reminded me not unlike the aroma of my youth, just a kid coming up in Blaine County: the sweet smell of a soiled lawn on a farm after its barn has just been set ablaze.

I looked down IRL. I had shat myself somewhere along my six-hour gaming session.

I changed my pants. I missed the crate job. Fuck my life, I texted a friend in a nearby lobby.

Seen a little white dot up at the gas station near Trevor’s. Figured I’d pop in, see what was happening.

I pulled into the gas station. He was leaning against the wall, Pisswasser in one hand, pack of Redwoods in the other. But he was dressed smartly: blue suit shirt, tucked in; black suit pants; black shoes; intelligent glasses. This motherfucker didn’t shop at Suburban. No, he looked right off the rack at Ponsonby’s.

Got another beer, brother? I said.

Sure, he said.

Silence. Until finally, he asked for my name. I told him. I asked him for his. He told me:

OG_Whistleblower_ES.

I didn’t think much of it. I’ve gamed with gents claiming to be Australian media magnates, god’s, hell I even raced an Arabian fellow through the Vespucci Canals that said he was the courier to UBL.

He asked if I wanted to do a job. Shit, had missed the crate drop, hadn’t I? Money wasn’t exactly long, you see. Had just purchased a place up in the Rockford Hills for a pretty penny.

Fuck it, what you got? I sez.

Believe me when I say: motherfucker had a real Titan of a Job lined up.

He hosted. I waited. But he invited no others. Guess you could say he trusted me like I was GG. While the mission loaded he began prying, asking about things that were none of his business. He sez, who knows, may be in the public interest? This was my god damn personal information. Told him I didn’t like his leadings. He said, it’s okay, your dox are safe with me.

Job loaded. I peered off into the distance towards the road. Fucker was riding a neon Dinka Blista Compact, crew logo on the hood: an X over an hourglass, a globe leaking onto another.

Jesus Christ, let me get my mechanic on the line, I said.

Before I could click call he was honking his horn like a god damn fed. Hop in, he sez.

You wouldn’t believe how he drove. Stopped at every light. Used his fucking turn signal. Let little old lady’s pop in front of him from freeway ramps. In short, shithead followed every road rule and regulation.

We ended up stealing the Titan, no thanks to him. Said he wanted to do it clean, no murder, no collateral damage. I told him to go fuck himself, and murked every last motherfucker in that hanger, while he stayed back, vetting every enemy.

During the flight to Sandy Shores he regaled me with what I initially thought were fabricated tales of Hong Kong hotel room service, brutal Soviet-style architecture, some chick in Hawaii he was hung up on, another British bird he said was stitching him up. At one point asshole even burst out in some Slavic shit to someone: Da Misha! Da! DAAA!!!

It wasn’t until after the mission, when he dropped me off at my place, leaving at a slow, drip-drop pace, saying only in his wake, Courage is contagious, that I realized I had just spent the night in the careful arms of an American hero, traitor, father, daughter, etc.: Edward Joseph Snowden.

I know that God blesses America; I seen it in the wake of 9/11. But that night I saw a man sacrifice everything—everything­— for the sake of this great nation. A Titan of a Whistleblower. God bless us all. And thank you, Eddie, for everything.