axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Hate

Comments on the Internet are stupid, and so are you

You stupid bunch of motherfuckers. You worthlesss piece of shit. You racist, consumerist, self-interested products of incest. I mean wow, who would have thought that if you lead a life of blindly half-assing everything, you would finally, eventually, get what you want? Well, your day has come. The world sucks now, just a little bit more than it already did before. And it is your fucking fault.

Everyone on the Internet is a horrible piece of trash. At The Internet Chronicle, We know and understand this. Leaving comments on videos, on news stories, on reddit, on The Internet Chronicle: You are all, ALL, of you, are ignorant, shitty people.

Nobody cares about your stupid, fucking uneducated opinions based on the one thing you just read or watched. You don’t know shit, and what’s worse is you don’t even try to reach for anything better. You are an ignorant fuck commenting on a website, and you don’t even want to learn more about whatever stupid thing it is you’re about to say. You are just going to say it, and let all the rest of the world worry about it, like an atom bomb of chain-reacting, brain-deadening stupidity.

“What did he mean? Well, did he honestly not know about the subject, or does he actually have unique access to information that nobody else has, and that’s why he says his politician cares and the other ones don’t?”

No, obviously, the reason you are talking is because you don’t know shit, because it’s supposed to work like this: If you keep your mouth shut and listen, and read, then you are learning. But when you’re talking, when you’re writing the BULLSHIT that comes out of your head, then not only are you not learning anything, but you are literally contributing to an ongoing, universal ignorance by delaying everybody else’s chances to read something interesting or learn something they didn’t know as well, because EVERY BODY STOP!! — YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. That is why they call it the great equalizer, because you can help drag everyfuckinbody down with you.

So you know what? Fuck you, and fuck your stupid comments. Fuck the whole god damn Internet. Just, fuck it. I’m out.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Entertainment Religion

Shaytards patriarch strikes pedestrian while vlogging

Shaytards' fans criticized police for seeking Shay Carl in connection with a crime.
Shaytards’ fans criticized police overreaction to the supposed crime.

VENICE, LOS ANGELES — A Venice man is in critical condition after an unlikely Sunday driver ran him down at a crosswalk. The 34-year-old YouTube celebrity Shay Butler was observed “vlogging” while driving his Toyota Tundra along Washington Boulevard, when he ran over a man who has not yet been identified.

Sources close to “youtube’s family” confirmed the celebrity patriarch was out getting ice cream for the ‘Tards and vlogging while driving when he struck a middle-aged man with his truck.

“Vlogging” is the practice of blogging through live or recorded video.

“He almost didn’t stop,” said Marina Del Ray patron Thomas Bandy. Bandy said he was nearby when the accident occurred.

“He had one of those flip cameras and the flip panel was turned out, pointed at him and you could see he was just staring at himself, going down the road. I don’t think he knew he hit somebody. We was all yelling, ‘stop, stop’.”

Shay Carl still has not apologized.
Shay Carl rarely apologizes.

The victim’s family has asked the media to respect his privacy. Shay Carl, who is known for putting every inconsequential moment of his family’s lives on display for the Internet, still has not released a video explanation for why he left the scene before officers could respond. [pullquote]Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor.[/pullquote]

The Shaytards, who still have not let go of their derogatory self-title, refuse to give in to the growing number of requests to change their name on the grounds that it is not what it looks like. “Shay Carl” loves retards, and viewers say the name comes from an early viral video in which the patriarch chases one of his children around in a leotard.

“Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor, but he came off too happy – too approachable,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Hoffstetter, 32.

“It was off-putting. Whenever he came around and was being overly nice, I got worried he was gonna try to push his freaky cult religion on me. You know, Mitt Romney’s a Mormon, too. Think about that.”

The following video demonstrates Shay Carl’s blatant disregard for public safety, as he records himself driving his pregnant wife around in the middle of the night

Fans describe the Shaytards’ YouTube show as being “more real than reality TV,” because of its lack of direct conflict. Some say the Shaytards are the YouTube family they never had.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubladauer, Resident physician for the Internet Chronicle, said celebrity worship is an old social disease.

“People are going to be really upset about their Internet folk hero running someone over,” Troubladauer said. “But what you’re going to have to realize is that while you might love and adore this Tard family – and even consider yourselves to be a ‘Tard – the ‘Tards don’t even know you.”

Troubladauer said society’s distorted view of love and the human condition presents new problems as our heroes, by virtue of the Internet, look more and more like us.

“They appreciate you in the sense that because you watch them, they don’t have to work. But I’m going to be real interested to see how the mom-Tard handles this. I always got the sense she doesn’t want to be on camera, anyway. Women can’t stand anything that even remotely resembles work.”

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

Terryville shut down this afternoon during suspicious plastic bag incident

Terryville's golden suburban Saturday afternoon was disrupted by a suspicious glowing bag.
Terryville’s golden suburban Saturday afternoon was disrupted by a suspicious glowing bag.

TERRYVILLE — The Terryville police finally got a chance to wheel out their mobile command unit and armored personnel carriers as downtown Terryville panicked when a suspicious plastic bag was left in the middle of main street by an unknown cowled man with a forked beard. The suspicious bag seemed to emit a pink mist as citizens and officers eyed it with increasing unease and terror. Terryville’s professional bomb squad detonated the bag, leaving a ten foot crater on main street, but analysis of the bag’s debris show it only contained an empty coffee cup from the Terryville 7/11.

Jeff Plenary told local television reporters, “You ever heard of nanothermite? Just a few grams of it and Terryville would be a smoking crater. Thank God it was just an empty cup in that bag. Better safe than sorry, I say. Thank God for the strong, militarized police force.” Plenary’s delightful, provincial account instantly went viral on the internet, where The Gregory Brothers autotuned it into a charming and catchy music video that has been viewed seventy million times already.

The Terryville SWAT team activated emergency terrorism provisions and tore through every closet and basement in Terryville, looking for the fork bearded man, who remains on the prowl. If you have any information on the identity or the whereabouts of the fork bearded man who may be responsible for the terroristic littering threat you are encouraged to contact Terryville’s terror hotline. Any bearded men should register at the police station before 4 am Sunday morning. Bearded men who fail to register will be charged with obstruction of justice and aiding the enemy.