Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Youtube sensation and fast food review monarch “Daym” of the Daym Drops channel was known for a famous review of Five Guys Burgers and Fries, in which he coined his signature line, “Oh my Dayum.” Hundreds of fast food reviewers rallying under Daym’s hashtag, #teamdaym, have expressed solemn grief and are mourning Daym’s death by reviewing Wendy’s “secret menu” quadruple quarter pounder, the last burger Daym reviewed. Daym passed away Wednesday morning from a heart attack.

Joey, of Joey’s Super Kool Food Reviews and #teamdaym said, “Daym was the best food reviewer in the whole wee wide worldy, but I’m wambling. I’m wambling! Gang, Daym’s reviews were the benchmark for the industry. They separated amateur shot-in-car food chewers and the pros. His closeups of the food, the ‘peep game’, was a groundbreaking moment in YouTube fast food film and made everything I do possible. Gang, I’m wearing black for Daym.”

Around  the nation, fast food restaurants are shutting down as automated FastBoxes replace expensive human workers who have been slowly pulled into the hellish tomb-world of material meaninglessness by the ethereal manifold omnipotent power of global economic forces beyond any human control. Where the restaurants have not closed, the drive through intercom has been outsourced to Mumbai. It seems the high quality fast food we’ve come to respect and critique has not only died, but so has its soul, which lurked somewhere inside the four hundred pound Daym Drops of YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook.

BEIJING — Heartbleed, the most dangerous state-crafted cyber weapon since stuxnet, is a virus that infects nearly every device connected to the internet, and it was crafted by the NSA as an offensive weapon according to a statement from Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Heartbleed designer and government contractor Kevin Mitnick corroborated President Xi Jinping’s statements, saying, “All the spyware, malware, and adware floating around in the internet is damn near enough to crash domain name servers everywhere and there’s no fixing it without a rapid change in internet protocol infrastructure. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s this invisible layer underneath tcp/ip that the NSA built hardware installed post-manufacture has been masking. If we don’t reign the NSA in, computers will never get faster and crawl to a near stop. I was on project Heartbleed and let me tell you, airplanes could fall out of the sky at any second if something isn’t done soon.”

Edward Snowden, left out of the limelight for once, issued a statement which said, “Kevin Mitnick was arrested and turned decades ago. He is a shill and I have the Power Points to prove it. If I were you, I wouldn’t pay so much attention to his point of view because it’s been compromised. Here in Russia, I have the freedom to say things that aren’t influenced by the US government’s geopolitical interests.”

OLYMPUS MONS — Final and incontrovertible proof of intelligent alien life was photographed by Nasa’s Mars Curiosity Rover, Tuesday, and even the most skeptical scientists are hailing it as the biggest scientific discovery in the history of mankind.

Aliens remembered only as the Nephilim in Hebrew texts or the Annunaki on Mesopotamian clay tablets intervened at the birth of human civilization and built stone monoliths that may have once acted as glowing navigational beacons. Because of several millennia of weathering, these beacons no longer emit light, but it appears the beacon photographed by Curiosity is still glowing even today, emitting its hyper-radiant superliminal telemetry to the center of the fallen Annunaki empire.

As a fringe colony of the Annunaki’s galactic empire, Earth was one of the few planets that did not adopt the Annunaki’s administrative and organizational patterns when the ruling Annunaki elites abandoned the colony. Because of this, Earth has suffered thousands of years of barbarism, infighting, and economic instability which has left humanity completely open to alien invasion. The Annunaki’s legacy, however, is visible today as a clear strain cutting through myth and art across the globe, pointing to an ancient history when Earth was a remote outpost of the civilized galaxy.