More and more people are grabbing doorknobs and touching their eyes, mouths, and noses, leading to deadly infection. “Spinal Meningitis” is not just a cool Ween song, it’s also a cool and dangerous disease, and new cases are on the rise, says Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Fellow at the Infectious Diseases Institute in Lebal Drocer Falls, Minnesota.
Troubadour says spinal meningitis is not that serious, and that there are painful and expensive treatments for it, should such a need arise.
Real Doctor :)
“Hi, I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. So you fucked around and got your spinal fluid infected?”
Not to worry. Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals offers a series of low-cost, high-pain injections, and high-cost, painful injections. A solution for every patient/customer!
Buy my stuff, and learn what sick really means.
—Dr. T
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour operates a Fake News Camp where children learn discipline, and respect. But he could not do nothing for my two boys.
I just had kids, they’re wonderful. I let the littlest one fight the bigger one as a form of entertainment. I don’t let them do that at home, it’s a special thing just for when we are at there memaw and peepee’s, as a treat. Do you understand? This encourages wild, rambunctious behavior.
My bad kid.
When my kid misbehaves, it’s not like he would have done that anyway or just to anybody. No, I’ve raised this one to come at you, personally, hitting and taunting you, because he knows you won’t hit him back.
He shows you his ass, and says, “This is my ass, come at me bitch.” My little one says that. “Come at me bitch.” Do you want to know just how big my old heart swoled up when he done that? When he said that to his bitch mimi? Do you want to know? Do you?
I let my kids run wild and I do not dare discipline them. Nope. What I do instead:
They hit the dogs, and I say NO, WE DO NOT HIT ANIMALS, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE IPAD, CAUSE YOU AND YOUR BROTHER CAN’T BEHAVE, I scream. “I’m watching you.”
Sounds fucked up, right? Well, here’s my trick.
I let 45 seconds go by, and then I walk out to the truck, I get the ipad, slam the door hard so they hear me coming and I hand it to them and I say, “See what happens when you’re bein good?”
My kid is growing up to be a powerful, violent young boy.
What he can’t manipulate out of you with hatred, he’ll back up with cruelty.
Long and short of it is, oops — my winky made a stinky! and i went uh oh thinky? and now i kind of drinky, to pass the time away.
Shouldn’t have had kids, anyway enjoy this ecological disaster i just unleashed on yall ok goodnight love yuns
NYC SUBWAY CARS VOTED #1 BY INTERNET CHRONICLE FOR BEST PUBLIC PLACE TO JERK OFF IN
I jerked off in a crowded subway car. This is my story.
NEW YORK—Hello guys! WHAT is up, it’s your boi Old Brutus coming at you MOST relaxed today, and first off – I want to say – I was not paid to produce the following review. I wrote this material of my own accord after taking advice from a trusted vagrant, who you’ll read about below, and I owe my renewed outlook and sense of chill directly to this kind, generous man and those words of wisdom he so graciously imparted to me.
I want to share his message, and my story, with you all here on this most sacred of platforms, the Internet Chronicle.
So yeah. I jerked off in the subway.
Here’s how it went down:
I had a real bad day at work. They don’t even know who I am out there! Next to me was an old homeless man, and he leaned in, he could see I was down on my luck, he was that kind of perceptive, spiritual hobo, you understand?
He leaned in, to me real close, and he said, “Tough day?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I briefly glanced at his face.
“Yeah,” I said. “Fucking miserable cunts don’t appreciate me.”
Ol feller leaned in again. Even closer, and he said, “Want to know what helps me?”
Feeling like I was fresh out of options, and half-curious to hear what he had to say, I said what?
He said, “Putting one hand tween my legs, and grabbing hold the root of my cock, you see? Like this…” He reached into his sagging military fatigues, and grabbed. “Then with your other hand, you just start cranking your hog, see? Right here on this train car!”
“Right here?” I asked. “In front of all these people?”
That’s right, he said, here on the 7 train. Told me to look them in the eye as I go.
I said, “Well, old timer, me being a young stripe such as I am, I guess I’m willing to try anything once, and while the day is still young, too.” So, in the spirit of good journalism — and with old wisdom in hand — I set out for a fresh start, and walked between train cars through the emergency door. Not that it matters, but I went backward, in the opposite direction we were going. Lights and graffiti shot by as my ears popped, and I felt like the Space Baby.
The next door opened into a full car, standing room only. That old fear returned, that it was going to be another one of “those” rides, again. That was when it occurred to me: the sheer, absolute power of what I am about to do. For the Lord knew, this was no typical commute.
If you’re standing up right now, you might want to sit down for this next part.
I unbuttoned the top button of my slacks, releasing the next button, as well as the two inner steel hooks of my smart brown work pants. Then I reached my skinny wrist into my pleated tech support khakis, and I just started working that shit.
Immediately, everyone around me got up to move, and get away. With the benches empty, I took a seat and – yes – you could say that by now, I was really manspreading.
People were disgusted. A horrified woman shot cellphone footage, which was seen last night around the world. So did a man. Also a man. There was actually another man filming, too, as I recall. As it turns out, there were a lot of men filming me.
So, long story short: Jerking off on the MTA sorted me right out! I rolled over and busted a fat nut in the corner as people insulted, stared, marveled and even dared to criticize. But in that moment, you really just don’t care. For one brief moment, I was truly free.
The rest of the ride was comfortable and went by without incident.
GOBLIN NEWS
