What’s causing all these school shootings? Guns? Not enough guns? The News Media and easy infamy? Violent video games? Violent movies? Lack of mental health care? Lack of religion, culture, and community?

Nope.

The reason for the school shooting epidemic should be obvious:

The schools. 

They’re prisons.

Remember finding yourself all of the sudden in the belly of The Machine. No you cannot leave, and now it is time to learn cursive. The kids are mean, and they don’t like you very much.

“I really enjoyed being stamped into a replaceable part by the system at Virginia Tech,” sneered Cho Seung Hui.

Every child needs the same program of strict, machine-like learning. But that’s not all, the children must be socialized. Acculturated. Broken down and rebuilt in the image of pure submission to the will of strictures handed down from innumerable invisible corporate offices and finance monopoly boardrooms. It’s the schools where you learn to do what they say.

“I was saving the kids’ lives. I didn’t want them to suffer like I did. I figured the younger, the better,” said a placid Adam Lanza.

The nervous hand-wringing response from adults who have been raised by this sick Machine is that the Machine needs to harden itself against the shootings. Whether that be toughening up gun restrictions, posting armed guards, or making it easier for parents to put their kids into increasingly strict “mental hospital” prisons, the solution is equivalent. More Machine.

“We did it because it made us heroes. We were freedom fighters, and schools were the worst form of tyranny because they targeted children,” said Dylan Klebold, as he cradled an AK-47.

The horrible realization that you are not a human, but rather a set of numbers with paperwork boundaries, should be too much for teenagers to handle. They should be shooting up schools, because it makes sense. The sliver of humanity left to you, after everything else has been reduced to corporate prison goo, that’s inevitably what everyone else is going to hate. You haven’t been broken down? You haven’t been homogenized? WE HATE YOU.

“What we did wasn’t senseless. You just want it to be senseless because it makes you feel less guilty,” said Eric Harris, puffing on a fat joint.

I don’t believe in using violence. It should be obvious that the school shooting craze is the greatest boon The Machine has ever seen, and I hate the Machine.

Kilgoar spent high school working against the Machine as a pro-backpack activist. Backpacks were outlawed in his local school district in response to the Columbine shootings, but with use of Proto-Anonymous style tactics and comedic animation, backpacks were retained for several semesters before The Machine regenerated.

WASHINGTON–Friday morning, President Obama held a press conference at the White House and declared a “war on school shootings,” naming former CIA director David Petraeus his administration’s “School Shooting Czar.” Rather than placing armed guards in schools, Petraeus unveiled a plan that will employ missile-toting predator drones for school defense.

Petraeus, speaking at the press conference, said, “We are a nation at war. Never again will we tolerate these senseless school shootings.”  Critics of the new homeland drone program, dubbed “Operation Guardian,” have warned that collateral damage will mean hundreds of more deaths for schoolchildren. Petraeus, annoyed, told the press “We cannot stand idly by and let these school shootings go on without a swift and brutal answer. We have taken all possible precautions to minimize collateral damage, but this is a war.”

Details of “Operation Vigilant” included plans for a centralized network of security cameras in all schools, which will be in place by early 2014, as well as an intensive data-mining program to monitor the entire internet for threats of school violence.