Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — The hacking collective Anonymous announced Friday that a crack team of hackers turned crypto trillionares known as Rustle League have put up a billion dollar bitcoin bounty for the assassination of Vladimir Putin.

A statement from the hacking collective said, “Putin will be dead within the week and the assassin will be an instant billionaire.”

“Finally, this is the crypto revolution,” the Anonymous spokesperson known only as ‘Asshurt’ told reporters. “This is what everyone has been investing in, all this time. Now with the power of crypto, the internet hivemind has the power to arrange for the assassination of anyone who is deemed to be too dangerous to humanity. Barrett Brown is just begging for us to use this baby on Peter Thiel, and maybe we will. It could be funny.”

Rustle League gained hold of billions of dollars in bitcoin after hacking a few million dollars from the super bowl and parlaying their gains into GPUs, diesel generators, and a chemical lab to process grease scavenged from the sewers of major cities into biodiesel.

Investigators tracked down the parent company, Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, and contacted the CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Sakers informed reporters that Asshurt was speaking in an official capacity for Lebal Drocer, and threatened to “tear the planet to pieces.”

Asshurt explained that Lebal Drocer spent nearly 300 billion perpetuating the so-called Corona Hoax, which fact checkers still assure is a real virus. “Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals is the most successful business in history, thanks to the pandemic. Elon Musk is nothing. A shitposting loser.”

Asshurt spoke about future business plans for the Lebal Drocer Crypto Mines aboard her personal superyacht, Seeker 2.0. “Going forward, we’ll begin harvesting methane out of sewers to expand our energy base. The new world is being built out of the foul smell of the last. I could get on my high horse and tell you we’re a green company and that we’re helping out, but you and I both know that’s just a sales tactic. We’re here to make real money, big money, and we’re not afraid to assassinate to do it. That’s just the grim reality of corporate warfare in this day and age. And right now, Vladimir Putin is in our way.”

WASHINGTON — Thursday, Hillary Clinton was spotted pacing the halls of the state department, furiously pounding away at the reset button in an attempt to reset relations with Russia.

Sergei Lavrov was not present at Hillary’s button pressing, but was indeed grim faced, still in Russia, where he told reporters “Hillary is no longer the Secretary of State and when I originally pressed the reset button, I didn’t even mean it.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of the Economy at the Military Industrial Complex, forced a narrative upon the mainstream media in response to the pressing, saying “Hillary’s going around honking that thing like it’s gonna stop the sky from falling. It’s worth a try. No one really knows what’s inside that button, but it could be hitting people with Havana Syndrome. Maybe even Putin. How’s that one grab ya? Side thought, what about that Havana Syndrome? You think they’d just give all the Ukrainians a migraine and move in already!”

REDDIT — Doug Jackson of the youtube channel SV Seeker spent ten years building a 72 foot steel sailing ship in his front yard to one day fulfill his dream of sailing around the world. But sometimes, dreams can turn into nightmares.

In his latest video, Doug is suffering from severe seasickness, on the verge of dehydration induced hallucinations as he wonders why riding in an airplane never made him sick. This is Jackson’s first extended sea voyage, a guest of Captain C-Money on the Sailing Vessel Osprey.

After suffering weeks of never ending seasickness, Jackson is questioning not only the radical do-it-yourself ethic that he’s preached for so many years, but also if he can complete the voyage alive, having gone four days without food or water. But in the backdrop is his unlaunched ship, still sitting on pavement after six months at The Tulsa Port of Catoosa in Oklahoma.

SV Seeker is largely a completed ship, but insurance companies have refused to underwrite the untested, idiosyncratic design. SV Seeker has a structural, or monocoque style hull that isn’t supported by typical internal bracing. Many of its vital systems are salvaged off of a retired school bus, or built from parts available at the hardware store. The ship’s sails are rigged in an Ancient Chinese fashion and its bow is adorned with the most hideous fiberglass mermaids to ever show their breasts. Mockeries of Chinese dragons sit on each side of the bridge. Seeker has been unable to launch due to Jackson’s failure to insure the homemade vessel.

Jackson moderates his youtube comments with an iron fist, banning so-called “Armchair Admirals” who question his boat design decisions or safety precautions. His defensive and hateful treatment of critical viewers culminated in the perpetrating of an elaborate hoax involving pyrotechnics, paid actors, his partner Betsy, and a doctor with fake X-rays showing the extent of Jackson’s head injury. After days of maintaining this fiction, Jackson was unrepentant and told upset viewers if they couldn’t take a joke he didn’t want them on his crew.

The SVSeeker subreddit is where Jackson’s banned commenters discuss the ongoing shipwreck that they call ‘SVSinker’ and now, ‘SVScrapper’, since it may never launch. The forum is curiously moderated by the user u/Doug_Jackson, who has recently pinned a notice to visitors that the sub is “toxic” following the deletion of a link to the Internet Chronicle. However, Doug_Jackson stands behind his otherwise free speech moderating policy, and also denies that he is Doug Jackson or his partner Betsy.

Commenter proto57 responded to SVSeeker’s latest dehydration video, seeing it as an easy ‘out’ for Doug:

Or maybe he is exaggerating his sickness because he sees it as a valid excuse. I mean, who can argue with his statements in this video that he doesn’t mind being sick, but if he cannot eat and cannot drink for days, he cannot be at sea?

 

Rather than face the inability to launch the boat because of his own failure (lack of insurance), he can therefore dodge responsibility and say it is because he cannot sail without eating and drinking, and seasickness is NOT his fault. It is a way of shifting responsibility.

Opcn noticed Jackson’s hallucinatory imagery of airplane stalls, writing, “Sounds like he wants someone else to sail it from port to port for him and he will fly there and use it in port.

Fans of SV Seeker were reminded of the late era of Pure Living for Life, a defunct homesteading channel that became an airplane flying channel when an elaborate self-built mansion proved to be too great of a challenge to complete.

Will Doug Jackson’s ship sink, like so many home-built ships of the past? Will it be scrapped before it ever touches water? Haters and fans alike wait with bated breath as the world’s slowest shipwreck, SV Seeker, edges ever closer to the shores of Tulsa Oklahoma’s Port of Catoosa captained by a great man with a fatal case of seasickness.