Internet Chronicle

TULSA — Fans mourn the loss of Doug Jackson, a popular youtuber famous for building a tremendous ship in his front yard. Jackson died early Saturday morning from tragic injuries sustained during an explosion at the Tulsa Port of Catoosa. He was 63 and is survived by his son and three grandchildren. Jackson had recently returned from Antigua after his sailboat suffered a dismasting on his first voyage at sea.

Port employees heard a loud crack, Friday, after an explosion ripped through the 72 foot Junk Rigged Origami Hull. Several of the ship’s structural welds were ruptured in the blast. Jackson was rushed to the Tulsa General Hospital by paramedics and declared dead on arrival.

Authorities have not ruled out foul play or suicide, but are currently investigating the situation. Sheriff Nick Hardtaps told reporters, “I think he probably had a slow gas leak of some kind, most likely oxy-acetalene, and when he returned from Antigua all doped up on a combination of Dramamine and Scopamine, he clumsily triggered the disaster with a static shock, with his camera equipment, or possibly with the cigars found on his dead body.”

Many are seeing irony in Jackson’s death, after he faked a video in 2020 showing himself suffering a grievous head injury in a similar explosion aboard his ship.

“He tricked thousands of people into thinking he was dead, but now that his prank has apparently really happened, I don’t even feel sorry for him,” fan and longtime viewer Sharona Filepop wrote on the SVSeeker youtube channel.

Some viewers are refusing to believe that Jackson is deceased, and are convinced he has drawn the entire community into an even bigger prank to push forward the long-delayed launch of his ship.

Fan and commenter Horatio Bloodaxe told reporters, “Yeah you know, he’s been tied up in red tape and insurance safety bullshit for months now, and he can’t get the boat in the water any other way. He had to do it again, for publicity. Here in a week I’m sure he’ll pop up again in the papers, on the news, and the port will be forced to allow him into the water. It’s just another test for the faithful, and I will be worthy to be on that great man’s crew. Those without faith will be weeded out.”

A billion swine filling Times Square, eating, shitting, pissing, and cumming into a communal stainless steel toilet trough where everything is crushed and mixed under hoof. The one and only feed is styrofoam.

Content is shitty

We’re all sick to death of content. Sure, it was fresh idea ten years ago, but now? Content is shitty! The very word just means filler.

I can say some good things about content. The thumbnails and clickbait are impeccable.

Do you like eating styrofoam all day, every day? You really feel humiliated by your own media diet, don’t you? You pathetic piece of shit.

The internet is supposed to be some infinite wellspring of all human knowledge, and yet here we are, chewing on foam and finding it’s all so depressing and interchangeable, and there’s never enough of it to satisfy.

The Internet brought us all together, just like a monkey’s paw. Here we all are, oozing around in this styrofoam sludge and tearing at each other like swine. There is no trough and no toilet, just a giant tub with no drain.

Trendspotting

Hating is the new hot trend for 2022, so find a popular megastreamer and just troll, troll, troll until their career collapses from unpopularity. Do it to a youtuber you don’t like. By April there will be more haters than fans. Watch for several communist accounts to rise in popularity through hating and themselves be cycled into the cancelled object of hate by September.

In other trends, the term ‘self-care’ is going out early this season, in favor of ‘cumming.’ Use of the word ‘cum’ in many new senses will continue to increase, peaking big time in the heat of summer and clinging on until winter, where it will be used regularly in common household language for all generations of Americans.

Anticontent

Finally, we will see some articles about Anticontent pop up in the fashion and technology media late in the year. Anticontent will be largely conflated with the rise of Haters.

The common deployment of terms like ‘AI,’ and ‘algorithms’, to describe social media are purposefully obscuring discussion. The anticontentista uses clarifying metaphors, particularly architectural, in order to criticize the way in which social media selects and presents information. This metaphor, cyberspace, was first coined by William Gibson.

Anticontent ultimately seeks towards a cyberspace architecture analogous to a library, rather than the sensational Times Square shit trough design of the typical social media platform.

Anticontentistas observe many varying individual practices, such as refusing to carry a smartphone or use social media devices in public. It is a matter of individual moral choice. Most anticontentistas are artists, and there is no taboo about posting original works, utilizing their own clickbait, or becoming wildly popular. What anticontent hates most is the repost, the topic of the day, the trend-hoppers, the mere scent of the shit trough of The Swine.

Swine Theory

Swine Theory was first created by Hunter S. Thompson when describing the herd-like gluttony of Americans, and it has since been perpetually rehabilitated and built upon by Jesse and Alissa of the Pure Living For Life youtube channel.

Where are the greener pastures for the swine of the internet? The cummy toilet trough of sociopathic media and its demonic squealing and squirming doesn’t contain its herd with barbed wire.

By dropping their own foul diarrhea in the trough, haters spoil the whole mix, giving it an off flavor that most swine detest. However, the mere scent draws more haters in, and there will be a runaway ‘shitstain’ effect where haters drive out the fans, this effect was first described by Jesse of Pure Living for Life.

The most dedicated anticontentistas follow in the example of Jesse, wearing “shitstain” t-shirts in public, showing off their hatred and admiration for swine by dividing themselves with a brown line down the middle of the shirt. Often the shirts, called ‘shitstains’, are made out of the merchandise from their most hated content creators, and sometimes even marked with real fecal matter.