The unprovoked attack appeared as part of routine bullshit called Microsoft feature roll-up, a process during which Windows 10 users’ machines do hidden things with implied consent, “like magic.”
For years, Windows has milked its userbase for extra coke money.
In the latest update, a pop-up briefly explains that it has been a while since you paid Microsoft for something, so the Fall Creators’ Update is offering users a choice between premium digital licenses to kiss Bill Gates’ fuzzy, wrinkled ass, or else go fuck yourselves and downgrade to Home Edition for free.
A sleek, modern update portal now lets users subscribe to a random kick in the dick by simply doing nothing. Uncheck a box, or agree to recurring charges, because you deserve it. The first update’s on the house!
Have your credit cards ready, because these Microsoft Windows 10 updates don’t fuck around.
Personality disorders are a significant, and highly sought after, social distinction in American society. But so-called “experts” warn increases in mood disorders pose a threat to public health in the United States, and probably elsewhere – surely there are other places – but who fucking cares about them?
Mental illness is cool
I’m depressed!
Romanticizing school shooters is not only fun, it’s profitable, too!
While the over-pussification of American society has pushed down crime rates overall, mass murder and public shootings have dramatically increased.
Raleigh T. Sakers instituted a rule to be followed by all news desks, from CNN to the Internet Chronicle, that in the event of a mass shooting, each publication is then expected to dig deep into the sordid, abuse-enhanced backstories of such losers as those douchebags from Columbine, or that incel from 4chan, or Barron Trump.
Then we publish it: chronicle.su style
Not enough people know how sexy it is to shoot up a school, according to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Chief Researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Brooding Evil.
This has not stopped anyone from turning into a sociopath, Troubadour said, adding that there is “no hope” for the future.
“I’m OCD,” Troubadour mocked. “I’m bipolar. I’m depressed. Oh, I was molested by a babysitter.”
Everyone’s depressed, at least in America, Troubadour said. As long as you aren’t actually depressed, it’s cool as shit to be depressed!
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour delivers babies into the world, and works hard to keep them from acting like little bitches about it.
Leading experts from the Boulder, Colorado University of Like Whatever Man say school shooters reflect Millennials’ rejections of societal norms. University fellow Susan Crabtree blames the increase in sociopathic disorders on growing pressures from modern economic mainstays.
“When you live in a capitalist society such as this, it’s just gonna fuck you over in the end,” Crabtree said. “There’s people out there today still working in the same conditions that once made Upton Sinclair’s dick hard. Have you seen what customer service does to people?”
Children are sooo fucking special
We reached out to today’s youth and asked them what’s the big deal with you little idiots? Like why are you all acting like you have depression when you’re actually just useless, boring, uninteresting underachievers, like your friends?
“I was all dissociative for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and out-of-reach. That didn’t work, so now I appear in other people’s black and white photography smoking a joint.” –Jenna, 17, is now considered cool among her peers“Actually, there’s a lot of unseen pressure coming from within. I am just a baby striving to pay my bills, but I’ve already risen to the level of Captain in the armed forces. I once wanted to paint nature scenes. And I sometimes wonder, ‘What if?'” –USAF Captain John Fournier, 15 months old“The only sounds louder than the voices in my head are the terrified screams of my victims.” –Tommy, 13
Dr. Troubadour said that in his 30-odd years of conflict resolution, he believes narcissists and sociopaths are an increasing public annoyance, but hardly a health hazard.
If instances of personality disorders continue to arise, he admits, it could be time to institute a mandatory mental health purge, and begin eradicating bloodlines that can’t suppress the urge to appear brooding, moody or introverted.
Sakers looks to another approach:
“We have enough music. We have enough tortured artists. We already got enough fuckin’ poetry. Write some god damn fucking comedy or get the fuck out of my timeline. You’re not made for this business. You’re weak! YOU NEVER TRANSCENDED! Now go back in there and suck your momma’s titty til you’re finished cooking because I don’t need to get shot up while I’m at the god damn opera.”
Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc: “Get the fuck out of my office.”
"Aliens have already begun psyops and largescale infiltration of the internet to turn humanity against itself so that a small scale invasion across interstellar distances will be possible."
“Aliens have already begun psyops and largescale infiltration of the internet to turn humanity against itself so that a small scale invasion across interstellar distances will be possible.”
INTERNET — Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku told reporters Sunday that he thinks an advanced alien species may have infiltrated the earth’s internet to sow discord and soften up humanity for a potential invasion.
Dr. Kaku, speaking at an event held by former Blink 182 musician Tom Delonge told reporters, “The only truly credible reports of UFOs have followed a very troubling pattern. Always they are tracking our fighter jets or interfering with nuclear weapons systems — and these stories show a coherent and disturbing pattern that is very consistent from person to person and from nation to nation.”
Tom Delonge slouched and his eyes teared up as he gripped his mic, trying to settle the conference room. “We’ll take your questions later. And no, this isn’t a joke — not a prank.”
Dr. Kaku continued, “Thank you Tom. Imagine, for a moment, if a group of chimpanzees suddenly learned to make stone-tipped spears or started crafting bows and arrows. This might not be a major threat to our civilization, but it certainly would draw our attention, especially the attention of people who live nearby. Even worse, imagine if they discovered fire.”
Delonge waved his hand dismissively at the cries from the conference room, “In the end, I know we’d kill them. Chimps setting fires all over the place would just be too dangerous. Whatever scientists think, the people living in the area would not be very tolerant for very long, and look: We’re the chimps with nukes — it’s a situation that no advanced species in our vicinity can tolerate.”
[pullquote]Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked.[/pullquote]
Dr. Kaku looked stern and spoke with incredible clarity, “When humanity deployed its first nuclear weapons, this must have instantly drawn the attention of anyone in our galactic neighborhood. The gamma burst would create an unmistakable signature that would be easily detected at a great distance. These accounts of nuclear weapons being disabled by strange lights in the sky are credible evidence of an advanced species displaying total military superiority. The strange craft that zip around fighter jets, changing direction and accelerating at unbelievable speed, even apparently surviving blasts from machine guns, this is the aliens making their presence known, as I predicted earlier this year.”
Tom Delonge, ashen and emotionless, announced, “Our cyberspace is totally defenseless against such an advanced threat. There is no encryption that can keep them out, no fake news filters that can stop their influence, and no sense in resisting. It’s already too late. Look around you. Everyone is at everyone else’s throats and we’re on the brink of a third world war. How can we resist psyops from such an advanced threat?”
Dr. Kaku shook his head, “It doesn’t look good. But I have been looking long and hard at the encounter between Europeans and the civilizations in the Americas. In that case, there wasn’t a very large technological gap, at least compared with what we’re facing now. But on the optimistic side, the technological advantage, in itself, wasn’t the determining factor. Rather, the Spanish were able to play groups against each other and take advantage of a civilization that was in disarray, turning factions against one another. It was just so expensive and time consuming to move resources and men across the ocean, and a major invasion was just not possible. But by turning factions against each other, a very small group of about five hundred men were able to take over a civilization of millions. I believe any spacefaring conquerors will almost surely follow this pattern. So it is a major challenge for humanity to suddenly transform itself into a Level I civilization, to settle our differences peacefully. Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked. But if we wise up suddenly, there is a very good chance we can resist them. They may be very advanced, but we have the home field advantage. We don’t need to move our weaponry across interstellar space.”
“There are so many other scenarios we’ve worked out with the Pentagon,” Delonge said. “For instance, there are, likely as not, several competitors for power over Earth, each of them using one nation or another as a proxy. Think of it, if an alien species asked to ally with your nation and said it could disable the nukes of a much bigger country that was threatening you, putting sanctions on you, and making your life miserable, you’d probably make that deal. It’s obvious. And this is why a lot of people at the Pentagon don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to be seen as puppets of a more advanced species.”
