INTERNET CHRONICLE proclaims VICTORY over ENTIRE state of Virginia

Post author By Hatesec
Post date February 27, 2018
5 Comments on INTERNET CHRONICLE proclaims VICTORY over ENTIRE state of Virginia

This is a reminder Internet Chronicle is the BEST and ONLY source of Real News Journalism this side of the Mississippi River, and especially in the Roanoke Valley.

What made CHRONICLE.SU the BEST and helps us continue to lead the Real News Industry?

Our reporters call to let us know if they’re going to be home after midnight.

They’re good boys, after all.

[pullquote]The Flintstones were so advanced, they figured out how to use dinosaurs as appliances.[/pullquote]As Alfonzo Hatesec once said, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! Which means DON’T rub your winky against the windows of sexy neighborhood ladies.”

That’s the only one time I ever got to see her face. You understand. When you’re looking at someone and you realize they don’t have any personality? They don’t have any soul? That is because they don’t have any flow or access to their ‘flow state.’ And neither do you! That’s because you never transcended!

-Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

A human being is said to be in a flow state while creating music or technical works on an apparently autonomous beat rhythm in lock-step with their own creative background radiation. It is an experience of being a conduit between our thought realms and the senses.

Experience TERROR in a new and improved flow state!

At Internet Chronicle, drug use is punishable by mutilation or death, and employees (including marketing executives) are subject to cruelty. But that doesn’t mean YOU can’t benefit from such mind altering substances as TerrorMax, TerrorMax PM, and Extra Strength TerrorMax.

And for the next level consumer, there is no greater Terror available to mankind than TerrorPeudic for Adults.

COMING SOON: Lebal Drocer Permaflight to compete against Amazon Prime Terror Delivery Service

In recognition of its greatness, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is pleased to present Internet Chronicle (CHRONICLE.SU) with an Internet Achievement Award. This award grants CHRONICLE.SU permission to impregnate and abort readers at will.

Media Mogul could not be reached for comment, but some asshole smoking a cigarette outside was available for comment. And this fucker had the nerve to ask not to be named. It is with great pleasure we present to you, the idiot masses, the following:

In this CHRONICLE exclusive, Vice presents: Irony Boys: We talked to a Lebal Drocer executive, and this is what he said.

“When you agreed to sign into our website you entered into a Blood Contract, which entitles us to fertility rites in Raleigh’s honor.” Media Mogul, in a secret cabinet memo, leaked to Vice Media, Media Mogul Enterprises.

“I am the God Child.”

Media Mogul

Rupert Murdoch

Dr. Angstrom Asche Téreblange is the leading Lebal Drocer attorney assigned to defending river ruining toxic dumpages, and covering it up through money to the Roanoke Times. He is a devout Christian, and will soon be resigning to spend more time with his family.

Téreblange says in his dating profile bio:

“I am a terrorist at heart, freedom fighter by nature. You’ll soon regret crossing me!”

The Internet Chronicle has brought you MANY fine products, including Prescription Strength TerrorBloc, the ONLY terror supplement endorsed by a sitting Virginia state governor!

LEBAL DROCER

BY GOD YOU’LL LOVE OUR PRODUCTS.

[pullquote]

“I swear to God.”

Raleigh T. Sakers, Chronicle founder, TerrorMax enthusiast, and Chief Enthologean of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals

[/pullquote]

This message is brought to you PROUDLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Turning human beings BACK into PROPERTY since 1996!

“NOW THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.”

Kilgoar “Randy” of chronicle.su

Technology

Google HATES Internet Chronicle

Post author By Hatesec
Post date February 23, 2018
3 Comments on Google HATES Internet Chronicle

The Internet Chronicle is ROUTINELY abused by the dominant search engine Google

Schmidtty baby, what’s wrong?

First, Google took away our ads. Google doesn’t tell anyone why they take away your ads. Google just takes.

Then Google sent us letters about their new algorithm blaming us for falling down their rankings. They would say shit like, ‘Our new algorithm sucks the dick of any site with large text for mobile, but actually since yours don’t have that, you guys can go fuck yourselves.’ So we adapted our site, and they told us to go fuck ourselves anyway.

And then they said broken links don’t do anything for them anymore, so whatever, I fixed all 1,100 broken links. Too little, too late: only useless infrastructural pages like ‘tags’ appear in chronicle.su related searches. Who gives a shit about tags? No one except Google, who either believe that is our site’s most relevant content every time, or just discovered a fresh way to tell us to go fuck ourselves.

You can’t find anything on Google about us. If you want to search this website, you have to pull up a chair like a big boy and sit down at your desktop computer. Then you may use the Fact Checker to the right hand side of the page to find content. This is our way of telling everyone else to go fuck themselves. Google. You. Everyone. There’s your search engine. It’s free to click in there and type.

Waddup with dat, right? Ordinarily, this would all seem pretty unfair. But we keep it even. I already told Google to go fuck themselves in 2012.

dr troubadour Dr. Troubadaddy says:

“Google can eat a dick in 2018, too.”

Local

Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child

Post author By Hatesec
Post date February 14, 2018
4 Comments on Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child

Bystanders say before turning the gun on himself, Tommy fired five shots into the air, screaming, “It’s gonna be a long night.”

Roanoke, Va. — Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him.

“He said he spoke to his inner child,” Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. “That’s when I was gave the order ‘shoot to kill.’ But I said to myself, ‘No, this man’s white. There’s got to be a better way.”

First responders said the man had a “glazed, wild look in his eyes” as he was preparing to kill himself near a group of girl scouts selling cookies at the Brambleton Avenue Kroger.

“He seen who he really was,” said Dr. Armasten Troubadour, of Health Insurance Memorial Hospital. “And he just seen red.”

Authorities say Tommy Jo, a 38-year-old security camera repairman, scribbled this suicide note moments before turning the gun on himself:

You’re gonna suffer.

You’re gonna bleed.

I’m gonna scream.

I’m gonna feed.

Don’t call the doctor.

Don’t call no priest.

I’m the devil.

I’m disease.

Friends describe Tommy as unhinged. Some friends, eh Tommy?

Tommy is being held without bond at the Roanoke County Courthouse, where he is getting a good night’s rest, and learning to love himself again.

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