INTERNET — CNN and NBC reports Barron Trump has been reprimanded for allegedly grabbing girls’ and women’s vaginas at his school and in the White House.
Expert analysis on these networks suggest Barron Trump will surely face criminal charges. After this scandal broke, rumors of an unthinkable pre-emptive presidential pardon have circled around Washington, blowing the bottom off of the Trump administration’s now bottomless mire of scandal and perversion.
So far there has been no official message, but the First Lady told reporters at a White House lunch, “The fake news needs to leave Barron alone. I never put him in time out and he never grabbed any women. And to the people on social media tweeting at him, they need to be banned for threatening a child like this.”
Barron Trump deactivated his twitter account after social media users criticized him for the alleged attacks. Roseanne Barr tweeted, “This little Nazi is a #PussyGrabber rapist just like his dad, Hitler!” Twitter responded to The First Lady’s demands, banning all users who sent Barron rape and murder threats.
Many Trump supporters also took to twitter, celebrating Barron’s pubescent masculinity. Thousands of teenage girls and grown women including Laura Loomer tweeted lewd and possibly illegal messages of adoration on the “#PussyGrabMe” hashtag. Several of these accounts including Loomer’s have been temporarily suspended.
Internet Chronicle White House correspondents say Barron Trump has been taking it easy, enjoying long bubble baths and ordering pizza, ‘self-caring’ to heal away the trauma inflicted by social media attacks. Currently he is working on Pokemon Moon. Off the record, Barron said, “There’s some good folks on both sides, I guess.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced he will run for the White House in 2020, replacing Sanders on the Democratic ticket. Already, Zuckerberg has been touring America – as quietly as he can – to learn all about what’s important by talking to simple, ignorant fucks like you.
To get ready for a long, grueling presidential campaign, Mark Zuckerberg talked to simple retards here and there. Some people thought he was cool.
Reality TV just became reality reality
Trump’s faithful following of Internet trolls and Proudbois have already taken to /pol/ registering their disdain for the presidential hopeful they’re calling “a Harvard-educated Silicon Valley fuccboi.” Zuckerberg is also the world’s first politician to rival Donald Trump’s social media presence.
Cuckerberg’s about to learn we do politics a liiiiittle bit differently here in America than maybe he’s used to with them hippies in California. RSVP to my Facebook event and we’ll show Cuckerberg what America’s really made of! – Internet Hate Person
Debbie Wasserman Schultz colluded with a Russian Facebook Troll Farm to hook up Zuckerberg with a nomination, along with this totally sickass new Trans Am.
“Establishment Republicans are conflicted over Trump, Megun Kelly said in a Friday interview. “On one hand, they really liked his Muslim ban, but on the other hand, they hate anyone who buries his face in cocaine and pussy. These are good old boys we’re talking about. Zuckerberg wears a dopey, clean face over some dirty enterprise.”
THE JIG IS UP
Mark Zuckerberg is blackmailing US citizens into voting for him.
PRESIDENT ZUCKERBERG HAS OUR DATA: YOU AGREED TO THIS! NOW YOU CAN PAY FOR DONUTS AND COFFEE WITH CHIPS IN YOUR NIPPLES.
Internet Chronicle has long been compromised by the insidious, paranoiac, tentacle-eye of Zuckerberg’s specialized and pervasive Facebook cookies. It was only until now that we felt safe from him, out of reach, outside his sphere of influence. [PUBLISHER’S REMARK: Because we are the martyrs who put ourselves in the middle of this. We will one day puppet Zuckerberg OURSELVES — RTS].
Other sites tried to warn you, but only CHRONICLE.SU covered it up. While certain sites make you click OK to acknowledge the cookie, WE have been feeding you cookies by mixing them in with the TRUTH. [PUBLISHER’S NOTE: Why, at this very moment, we are TURNING INSIDE OUT and our veins and our MUSCLES are melting off our eviscerated bodies, and dripping into scorched earth. Our existence is stripped away in the third consecutive blast of the nuclear holocaust in progress as we write this – RTS].
Zuckerberg will use all our data to blackmail and revenge porn ANYONE who opposes him. The deal is: Vote for Zuckerberg, or enjoy having your search history published at the world’s most popular website, chronicle.su
It’s for your own GOOD, you miserable dogs!
You’ll understand when you’re older. In the meantime…
ALL HAIL ZUCKERBERG
[pullquote]”I have got to get me one of these!” – Dr. Armstrong, quoting Independence Day[/pullquote]Internet Chronicle Sports Medicine Expert, Doctor H.A. Armstrong, said Zuckerberg has an exciting new plan to purge nonsupporters with a proprietary algorithm that makes your EVERY secret known. With one swipe of a smartwatch sewn into his skin, Zuckerberg can identify and target political opponents at will, making him a shoe-in for the 2020 nomination.
NEOLIBERAL TWITTER TROLLS have co-opted the women’s solidarity hashtag #MeToo and twisted it into a grotesque gesture.
“It was in the terms of service you agreed to in 2004,” Armstrong said. “Marko’s coming up on the ripe old age of 35 and still he ain’t had a chance yet to waller in true power. This is what you wanted.”
Zuckerberg promised to end the healthcare debate once and for all, by prescribing mandatory Xanax to the Demoratic People’s Republic of New Facebook, America’s 51st state and the only state to exist entirely online.
Welcome to the states, Internet boys! Get ya bitcoins, because we are GOING ONLINE TONIGHT. I’m talking Silk Road 3.0 (The fastest Silk Road ever!)
This fine literature is provided to you graciously, and free of charge, by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Owners of all that which matters.
Raleigh T. Sakers broke into the former home of Jon Benet Ramsey and swore to preserve the family secret. Two people are now missing.
BOSTON – Police responded to a grisly crime scene at the home of paranoid, isolated Lebal Drocer founding executive Raleigh Theodore Sakers, Internet Chronicle learned early Wednesday morning. This comes after Chronicle learned of a dangerous plot designed by Sakers to drive away readership in a grotesque act of self-sabotage.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange “leaked” an intercepted affiliate email from Sakers, the aging and senile publisher-in-hiding of the Internet shock site Internet Chronicle. In the unsent letter, Sakers transcribed wretched and evil thoughts as they rang throughout his head like gunshots in the night:
FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING. FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WEBSITE. GET OUT OF HERE. LEAVE. GOOGLE: FUCKING LEAVE. TWITTER. YOUTUBE. ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING OUT. I AM THE DEVIL, AND I’M FUCKING IN.
Hey, take your 280 on the way out. and while we’re at it, I don’t need your 140 either. SNIVELING RAT BASTARDS! Why, if you worked in my office right now, I wouldn’t even abuse my power to sexually COERCE YOU.
i don’t understand why you’re here. we are not hiring
Alright now, that’s it. Get the fuck out. Get the absolute fuck out of my office, right now. You’re fired. I quit. This whole thing is over.
DO YOU HEAR ME I’M FUCKING FINISHED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? IT’S OVER. GO THE FUCK HOME. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR BEDS. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR HOUSES. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS WALLOWING IN THE MIRE AT GROUND ZERO, AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING. DO YOU GET ME?
THIS WHOLE FUCKING SITE IS A SCAM. A BLEAK CHARADE! YOU’RE BEING LIED TO! YOU’RE DOGS, YOU’RE PIGS, AND YOU’RE SHEEP! YOU’RE FUCKIN ANIMALS!
THEY BATTLED FOR NET NEUTRALITY …. what, you think that’s about you and me? IT WASN’T FOR YOU AND ME – THEY FOUGHT FOR THE POWER TO CONTROL YOU AND ME FIRST. THEY WANTED IT FIRST! NO GOVERNMENT, NOR UTILITY, SHALL CONTROL THE SHIT WE LIKE SHARE AND SEE — OH THEY WANTED TO — BUT NO, BECAUSE GOOGLE WANTED IT FIRST AND GOOGLE HAS DESIGNS AGAINST YOU AND ME, AND THIS HERE WEBSITE YOU’RE READING. NOW GET OUT, THEY KNOW YOU’RE READING IT! GET OUT. THEY KNOW. THE JIG IS UP. IT’S OVER. I said get the fuck out.
THIS IS FINISHED, DO YOU HEAR ME!
Assange holds a copy of the letter in his hands for cameras, which are pointed at all times into his embassy balcony nest, and a teardrop hits the page. He looks up to see the cameras are not on. They’re not even there. He needed a leak and he needed it fast.
Assange called Internet Chronicle at 3:27 a.m. That’s when we learned the wealthy Mr. Sakers was holed up in his office with a revolver to his head, threatening to destroy the world.
Somebody yelled out, “Raleigh, no!”
“It was fucked up,” said Dr. Troubadour.
Dr. Troubadour, who is a real doctor, was at the scene but because he was on LSD, he wasn’t working in any official capacity at that time, so he was just taking bong hits while Assange put on his pony show for invisible demons rampaging outside.
“He was being such a drag,” Troubadour said. “It was bumming me out, and it was fucking with everybody else at Chronicle, too. Why would our creator destroy us? We ought to seize the means and fire HIM. Also Assange looked pathetic.”
Troubadour said the whole scene was pretty fucked up in the end, but he said whatever happens, happens. He is cool either way. At least he showed up. He even brought a bunch of other people with him.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz colluded with a Russian Facebook Troll Farm to hook up Zuckerberg with a nomination, along with this totally sickass new Trans Am.
