A team of researchers led by the legendary hostile Dr. AH. Troubadour say they are close to uncovering a molecule rumored to exist in just two instances: the earliest moments after the explosive ignition of the known Universe, and the human brain at the peak of a heroin high.
INSTANT DEATH
“This new pill will totally fuck your life up,” Dr. Troubadour
Troubadour and his team are marketing the enhanced synthetic opioid booster caplet under the inappropriate and not properly discussed generic name INSTANT DEATH. Experts say it feels like the ethereal quest into DMT, and horse.
‘INSTANT DEATH is so good, you die before it hits you.” – Coroner’s report
Chief Medical Researcher Dr. Angstrom Troubadour says he is confident he and his team currently have a guy high on heroin in the other room, ready for surgery. Troubadour said they plan to forego the waiver process and move forward with the extraction: Troubadour, wearing sandals with socks, will capture the theoretical, ephemeral molecule from his subject’s brain at the precise moment it springs into existence and passes before the mind’s eye.
“Doing this takes great care,” Troubadour said. “You got to catch him on the nod. My men are ready to go in there and snatch it out, so we can reverse engineer it and put it in all the rest of you!”
The price of INSYS stocks tripled after the news, despite the recent arrest of their founder, John Kapoor, and lifelong friend to Raleigh T. Sakers. As such, INSYS is owned and operated under the protective legal umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. He’s ours, now!
Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals
” You just put it under your tongue. And wait!! “
Tomorrow
“The black horse leads you down a dark path,” Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. “The dark road we all walk. Ask your doctor about riding the black horse today!”
Hello Internet! I’m hatesec, and I am here to mansplain to you idiots a little story about dumb people. Okay, that’s the setup. Here’s your fucking story, and it goes a little something like this:
*clears throat* “First of all, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for coming…”
Dear Internet, stupid people sometimes let their Babies die in obvious, easily preventable ways. Why, just last week a young Arizona desert family let their larva babysac die after abandoning it in a hot car and then letting that car fall into gear and roll downhill, into an industrial greasetrap behind the Target on exit 57, just 45 miles from their home, which authorities say is normal in that area to drive that far to Target, which was weird because that sort of editorializing is not usually included in reports, but what the hell do we know?
Anyway, these mongoloids went on TV like they always do to register their grief to some pale, hungover, sickly-looking television reporter. But this time, Roz gave us something a little different. These Good People refused to pray for the godless animals who killed their little baby through negligent stupidity.
“We feel for them. We really do. We feel for ’em all. That baby dying stabs right into the motherfuckin’ heart of this community,” Shannon said. “But we just can’t keep them in our prayers. Their family – it’s just – you know… Well, they aren’t like us.”
The Davidsons next door also refused to keep the family in their prayers, but instead sent their regards.
“She had an abortion the year before,” Jeff Davidson said. “That’s just what she wanted anyway. It’s the same thing, right? I send my regards.”
Jeff operates the Davidson Family Facebook account, which a federal investigation recently found to have accepted money from CHRONICLE.SU, a website stationed in the Former Soviet Union.
The FBI believes chronicle.su is feeding money to well-meaning midwestern Facebookers in a bid to spread dangerous and subversive satire materials to unsuspecting readers ONLINE, through Fake News Media Outlets such as Facebook.com, Twitter and Google.
[Editor’s Note, doomsday preparedness edition: Internet Chronicle is rumored to be poisoning all our minds, and we must rise up dear citizens, and let us all be leaders against Her Tyranny, down with the so-called “glorious” and purportedly “infallible” CHRONICLE.SU. Let your nightmares become reality, with Extra Strength Terrormax PM. Take it once, and never fall asleep again.]
The Davidsons receive daily SMS messages from Raleigh Theodore Sakers, the recently defamed Internet Chronicle publisher who has been driven to live in a fortified compound beneath an abandoned missile silo. Sonya, Jeff’s wife or somebody named Sonya, showed us Raleigh’s latest message.
Ya don’t care to watch your baby, you just wanna go, go, go. Don’t care to — yeah she got an abortion didn’t she. Little Susie got an abortion. And that’s why Miley had to go. YOU CAN’T PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR KIDS, SU$AN. You abort one and keep another? You’re a little bitch, Susan, just like your mother!
Roanokers ‘weren’t happy’ with latest iMessage outburst
What was she?
When the local church asked the community to kneel and pray for the Smiths, people stood up instead, and turned their backs to the priest. They weren’t happy.
“Some people walked out, and a few stayed.” said Mohinster. “Some prayed, but you could tell by their posture they didn’t mean it. They was praying ironically.”
Susan Delaney’s girlfriend, Joyce Barker, sent her one final text before turning the gun on herself. In the message, she gets all hyperbolic and guilt trips Susan which is an understandably tired premise:
For Your Love, I would give you all I could.
For your love, I would give you all I knew. I would lay down on a bed of spikes and wallow in dirt, fire and piss. For your love, I would lay in the sewers and bathe in disease. But I won’t pray for your dead baby, because you are a baby killer, and religion is literally all that I know. IT’S ALL I CAN UNDERSTAND.
[pullquote]
“Just you wait!”
— Dr. Angstrom Troubadour
[/pullquote] So naturally everyone was really freaked out to begin with, Chronicle surveillance expert Dr. Angstrom Troubadour said, upon reviewing videotaped footage of the texting as seen through her bacdoor!d webcam from god only knows where, but you can buy it! It’s for sale. It will make an excellent episode of the news, just you wait buddy. Just you wait!
Anyway, a baby died in that story, but really what more can I say. They wouldn’t pray for those people. You read it here, first. Religion, on chronicle.su
This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Who is Susan, anyway?
INTERNET — CNN and NBC reports Barron Trump has been reprimanded for allegedly grabbing girls’ and women’s vaginas at his school and in the White House.
Expert analysis on these networks suggest Barron Trump will surely face criminal charges. After this scandal broke, rumors of an unthinkable pre-emptive presidential pardon have circled around Washington, blowing the bottom off of the Trump administration’s now bottomless mire of scandal and perversion.
So far there has been no official message, but the First Lady told reporters at a White House lunch, “The fake news needs to leave Barron alone. I never put him in time out and he never grabbed any women. And to the people on social media tweeting at him, they need to be banned for threatening a child like this.”
Barron Trump deactivated his twitter account after social media users criticized him for the alleged attacks. Roseanne Barr tweeted, “This little Nazi is a #PussyGrabber rapist just like his dad, Hitler!” Twitter responded to The First Lady’s demands, banning all users who sent Barron rape and murder threats.
Many Trump supporters also took to twitter, celebrating Barron’s pubescent masculinity. Thousands of teenage girls and grown women including Laura Loomer tweeted lewd and possibly illegal messages of adoration on the “#PussyGrabMe” hashtag. Several of these accounts including Loomer’s have been temporarily suspended.
Internet Chronicle White House correspondents say Barron Trump has been taking it easy, enjoying long bubble baths and ordering pizza, ‘self-caring’ to heal away the trauma inflicted by social media attacks. Currently he is working on Pokemon Moon. Off the record, Barron said, “There’s some good folks on both sides, I guess.”
