Open Letter to Danny Gilmore

For the second time in a row, The Elf Wax Times picked up your slack because nobody is willing to stand up for fucking anything.

Assemblyman Danny Gilmore poses with a slave
Assemblyman Danny Gilmore is seen here posing with his favorite slave, "Toubab"

Hanford, Ca.–Recently, The Elf Wax Times took it upon themselves to write an open letter to Danny Gilmore, who was quoted by the Los Angeles Times saying what we’ve all heard a thousand times before – “LEGALIZE POT! WHAT’S NEXT, HEROIN!?” He said this to reporters in response to the recent marijuana legalization bill approved by an important Assembly committee and scheduled to hit the Legislature by next year. Because you people are lazy and willing to roll over for any politician who wears a flag pendant and a shit-eating grin on his face, we took it upon ourselves to write him a letter – well not even a letter, but a short note – calling him out on his bullshit.

The L.A. Times reads:

The anticipated revenue would not be worth the grief the bill would cause, said Assemblyman Danny Gilmore (R-Hanford), a former assistant chief with the California Highway Patrol.

“We’re going to legalize marijuana, we’re going to tax it and then we’re going to educate our kids about the harm of drugs. You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gilmore said. “What’s next? Are we going to legalize methamphetamines, cocaine?”

Needless to say, we aren’t dumbfounded to find that even in the year 2010 this argument is still being championed by a former Highway Patrolman. But it should be noted that Danny Gilmore, and anybody else willing to hide behind this “argument,” is stunningly full of shit. So we felt he needed to hear from the voice of reason for once. We carefully wrote him a letter, even though he’s not our representative. Oops, it failed the first time. We had to change the zip code because there is no publicly listed email address for his office. The only people who can contact him digitally are his “constituents,” or as you might better know them, the people he lies to in order to gain votes. So we Googled the zip code for Hanford, just South of Fresno, California, entered it in, and the letter got to him. What a security measure!

Editor’s note:

It should be noted that we are a satire site, and as such it is not our job to write this kind of material in a serious fashion. It is our actual belief that Democracy in America never existed and that our Republic is broken and corrupted beyond functionality. The purpose of this letter is not some contrived “Democracy in action” horseshit off a PBS special and we certainly don’t expect to maintain any kind of open dialog with a politician [anybody who believes such a thing exists needs to get real]. This is simply pure, condensed hatred and we don’t actually expect to change anything because we are more realistic than that.

Our letter reads:

When you said this, were you on cocaine? Why would you obscure logic and reason when your state is being hit the hardest by the economic recession when faced with an opportunity to boost revenue for your sucky little district and all others around you? Are you afraid the pharmaceutical companies will stop paying you to lie and scare the public into downvoting progress toward freedom of personal choice with regard to our own f*cking minds?

You are worse than the Mexican cartel who kills people over the marijuana you hope to keep criminalized – to ensure more death and anguish across your own evaporating state, where you know it’s being grown. Let’s see, “Grief,” you say? Let’s talk about grief, you scum. I grieve for your existence. I wish that more people paid attention to the stupid trash that pours out of your mouth so that we could vote you out of office and vote up progress.

Get bent, sir.

Needless to say, our letter was ignored, however we still felt it necessary to censor out the word “fucking” because anybody stupid enough to group marijuana together with meth and coke, or propagate such ignorance, is obviously a Christian, and we didn’t want to offend him.

But seriously. He needs to get fucked, who’s with us on that? To all those people who have been cutting Democrats’ propane tank lines and making death threats over health care [irony, anyone?]…kindly look to the West and see if a better target isn’t waiting for you – or how about the leaders who voted us into war? Nobody’s cutting their brake lines and threatening their family members, and they’re sending your loved ones off to die in the fucking desert at the hands of glassy-eyed killers in the name of the same fucking God who supposedly created us all.

Get a grip, America. Smoke a joint and see if that helps. Need some? I hear you can find dank weed in California, along with PCP and methamphetamines, which are basically all the same thing.

14 replies on “Open Letter to Danny Gilmore”

I 110% support your message, however I feel that letter was not the way to go about it. The agressive tone of the letter is simply going to further the idea that weed smokers are agressive and unreasonable in a manner not dissimilar to that of the sterotypical cracked out junkie. A carefully worded letter outlining your opinions and rebutting his main points for keeping marijuana illegal would have gone so much further. But +1 for effort.

I appreciate your comment and I agree that the overall tone of the letter only hurts his image of your average pot-smoker. But the fact of the matter is a guy like Gilmore has already made up his mind about the issue and the people around it; to say my letter changed the way he sees something, for better or for worse, implies that he is a dynamic individual capable of reason on-the-fly and I just don’t see that in him. If he reads the letter, he’ll shrug it off as though someone said his hair is sticking up. I believe that might even explain the hostility I harbor toward him to begin with and the letter was vindicating. Thanks for the words, Anonymous.

Well guys, try it like this. Send him a letter and make it simple. Ask him a single question like “If legalized, how would marijuana affect our children?” and he’ll give some bullshit response, most likely citing that if legal, it’ll be more readily available. Show him how the system with alcohol works, and ask why it would be easier for them to obtain cannabis with a similar system. Just do it like that. Never go on the attack. In the end, you look like you have a level head, and he comes out looking like a fool. Also, links to information is good as well.


maybe the letter didn’t help but if more people wrote him the same kinda letters he would probably have no choice but to back down if for no other reason than because enough people are all saying the same thing

This is my point exactly. It doesn’t matter what your letter says as long as it makes a clear point and defends a valid stance. Consider all the people who feel like they don’t know enough about politics to write a letter explaining what they want out of their elected leaders…it’s tragic. Even if it is laden down with fart jokes and profanity, a letter still represents someone’s beliefs and should be taken seriously, if they took it seriously.

Also a lot of people here and on other online forums seem to believe this letter is some huge communication between “us” and “them”, and they’re missing the larger point that just one letter is not going to change anything, even if it comes from within members of Congress [many of whom have written such letters]. This is why people need to get in the habit of writing – not epic letters – but notes to their politicians that briefly describe what they feel. And it doesn’t always have to PUSH THE AGENDA. Sometimes you just need to let these scumsuckers know how you feel. I don’t live in this asshole’s district so it’s not like his people will print it out or even save it. It’s going to get deleted. I write letters all the time. This one happened to be timely, so I shared it on Elf Wax. I wish more people wrote letters, because then we might have something more like Democracy.

But if you go to politicians’ websites, you don’t find public forums and they make contact very ambiguous and intentionally difficult to complete. There’s a good reason for that, and it’s because they don’t want to hear it. We just tell jokes here at Elf Wax, but there are people behind this website who, just like you, can write letters. And we do. So should you. It’s more useful than voting.

I did some research. It seems that the bill’s revenue could only be used for anti-drug education. The revenue will not go into the general fund. That doesn’t make sense.

Also, if you want to rip Gilmore that fine. But why target the woman in the photo?

“I appreciate your comment and I agree that the overall tone of the letter only hurts his image of your average pot-smoker.”

He knows damn well what this substance does. He knows it’s not what made Lebal Drocer draft this bold prose. He wants this policy because it makes people happy who want to randomly round up ethnic minorities. He knows this. Any adult with a brain cell knows this stuff is less harmful than alcohol. I’m so exhausted with these passive hippies pretending that he “just doesn’t know what it does.” Wake up, dude. He totally does.

I’ve really gotten to the point that when I see someone who wants to put a pot dealer in jail, I see a full-blown white supremacist. Think that’s overdramatic? Look at the fucking incarceration statistics. These prohibitionists know EXACTLY what the substance does. They just play dumb around the honest people who want to legalize it because they know that if they own up to, oh, you know, modern medical science they can’t throw people they don’t like the look of in jail.

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