Los Angeles – Fans mourn the loss of Disney star Selena Gomez, who was pronounced dead in a fatal car crash Friday. According to police on the scene, alcohol is believed to have been a factor in the accident.
Gomez had to be cut loose from the wreckage of her late model Ford Escape Hybrid, which was tangled between a guardrail and telephone pole off Santa Monica Boulevard, authorities said.
“When I see this happening to kids,” explained LAPD’s Deputy Foster, holding back tears, “I wrench up inside. This is a tragedy. They weren’t even old enough to drink or have sex with me.”
Attorneys confirmed profits from Gomez’s new clothing line, “Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez,” are contractually obligated to absorb into Disney, which has outraged family members seeking comfort from the corporation which capitalized so heavily upon Gomez’s image, at the cost of her life.
The teen starlet, who just recorded a song with heartthrob Justin Bieber, was not alone in the accident. Two others died at the scene, however because they are not famous, and never will be, their names will not be printed here.
Uncomfirmed reports of two other individuals have surfaced amid reports Gomez was cheating on Bieber. Unnamed sources close to the couple indicated the two had “been having problems” but would not comment on the accident, or Gomez’s awesome underage drinking “problem.”
Hanford, Ca.–Recently, The Elf Wax Times took it upon themselves to write an open letter to Danny Gilmore, who was quoted by the Los Angeles Times saying what we’ve all heard a thousand times before – “LEGALIZE POT! WHAT’S NEXT, HEROIN!?” He said this to reporters in response to the recent marijuana legalization bill approved by an important Assembly committee and scheduled to hit the Legislature by next year. Because you people are lazy and willing to roll over for any politician who wears a flag pendant and a shit-eating grin on his face, we took it upon ourselves to write him a letter – well not even a letter, but a short note – calling him out on his bullshit.
The L.A. Times reads:
The anticipated revenue would not be worth the grief the bill would cause, said Assemblyman Danny Gilmore (R-Hanford), a former assistant chief with the California Highway Patrol.
“We’re going to legalize marijuana, we’re going to tax it and then we’re going to educate our kids about the harm of drugs. You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gilmore said. “What’s next? Are we going to legalize methamphetamines, cocaine?”
Needless to say, we aren’t dumbfounded to find that even in the year 2010 this argument is still being championed by a former Highway Patrolman. But it should be noted that Danny Gilmore, and anybody else willing to hide behind this “argument,” is stunningly full of shit. So we felt he needed to hear from the voice of reason for once. We carefully wrote him a letter, even though he’s not our representative. Oops, it failed the first time. We had to change the zip code because there is no publicly listed email address for his office. The only people who can contact him digitally are his “constituents,” or as you might better know them, the people he lies to in order to gain votes. So we Googled the zip code for Hanford, just South of Fresno, California, entered it in, and the letter got to him. What a security measure!
It should be noted that we are a satire site, and as such it is not our job to write this kind of material in a serious fashion. It is our actual belief that Democracy in America never existed and that our Republic is broken and corrupted beyond functionality. The purpose of this letter is not some contrived “Democracy in action” horseshit off a PBS special and we certainly don’t expect to maintain any kind of open dialog with a politician [anybody who believes such a thing exists needs to get real]. This is simply pure, condensed hatred and we don’t actually expect to change anything because we are more realistic than that.
Our letter reads:
When you said this, were you on cocaine? Why would you obscure logic and reason when your state is being hit the hardest by the economic recession when faced with an opportunity to boost revenue for your sucky little district and all others around you? Are you afraid the pharmaceutical companies will stop paying you to lie and scare the public into downvoting progress toward freedom of personal choice with regard to our own f*cking minds?
You are worse than the Mexican cartel who kills people over the marijuana you hope to keep criminalized – to ensure more death and anguish across your own evaporating state, where you know it’s being grown. Let’s see, “Grief,” you say? Let’s talk about grief, you scum. I grieve for your existence. I wish that more people paid attention to the stupid trash that pours out of your mouth so that we could vote you out of office and vote up progress.
Get bent, sir.
Needless to say, our letter was ignored, however we still felt it necessary to censor out the word “fucking” because anybody stupid enough to group marijuana together with meth and coke, or propagate such ignorance, is obviously a Christian, and we didn’t want to offend him.
But seriously. He needs to get fucked, who’s with us on that? To all those people who have been cutting Democrats’ propane tank lines and making death threats over health care [irony, anyone?]…kindly look to the West and see if a better target isn’t waiting for you – or how about the leaders who voted us into war? Nobody’s cutting their brake lines and threatening their family members, and they’re sending your loved ones off to die in the fucking desert at the hands of glassy-eyed killers in the name of the same fucking God who supposedly created us all.
Get a grip, America. Smoke a joint and see if that helps. Need some? I hear you can find dank weed in California, along with PCP and methamphetamines, which are basically all the same thing.