Cave Spring High School adds “maternity ward” to encourage teen moms

Roanoke, Va. — The county school district has installed a controversial new wing of the Cave Spring High School medical facility to include a “maternity ward” outfitted with beds, nurses, and counseling services to accommodate Virginia’s awesome teen pregnancy rates.

A bunch of forward-thinking, rational people questioned whether a maternity ward in a high school is helpful where the counselors must split their duties between teen mom therapy and P.E. coach. But who cares what they think?

If America’s ever going to touch China, somebody’s got to start having kids. Roanoke, Virginia is a patriot’s playground, and home to some of the finest biological specimens this side of the Mighty Mississippi River. Teen pregnancy originating from Southwest Virginia is the proven antidote to Chairman Mao’s snake oil revolution!

Now plug in your eyeballs, because it’s about to get weird. You’re going to read in the first person perspective as if you were a teen mom, thinking someone else’s thoughts. Pretend you are just 15 years old, you have a bunch of kids, and read this!

In Your Words

The Internet Chronicle has poisoned you.
"I acted depressed for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and introspective. That didn't work, so now I appear in black and white photography, smoking a joint." --Jenna, 17, is now considered cool among her peers
“I acted depressed for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and introspective. That didn’t work, so I had a baby.” –Selena, 17, is now considered cool among her peers

Them Chronicle boys asked me to write y’all a story about my earliest memories of suckin’ and fuckin. I reckon them old boys even said they’d edit it for me, so I don’t look like such an imbecile as you’re reading this. So thank you, fellas. This my story.

I was 16 years old when I became a mother.

“A baby having a baby” is what people said to me. They called it advice. I call it abuse! My guidance counselor calls me “Selena Prettymouth.” This is my chance to stick up for myself and tell my side of things. I had to get a babysitter so I could write this.

I’d love to sit here, jerking off in front of a website all day writing stories, but becoming a teen mom was difficult. Do you think I have time to sit here and write? I got a baby on one hip, one in the oven, and heck I got one on the stove. If I have anymore babies, I’ll have to grow another tit. It’s not just a matter of shitting this thing out–and there it is–you know, this takes years of bed rest. I’ll be living in bed full time, while my kids take care of each other, buying shit on Amazon, and wolfing down corndogs.

I took a little time to make pornographic videos for money. I understand the world’s moved on to just calling them videos, but I am an old soul, someone who gets it. I don’t care what everybody else does. I’m shooting videos of my pussy, while you jerk off to venmo. Get it? I started young. I was on my third child before I knew what hit me, what’s not in orphanages I’m attached at the hip, I couldn’t shake ’em, they’re with me now. Part of the whole deal. No I will not pimp them out for percocets. I’m a good mother, I’m just young.

I carried my second baby to term and gave birth to a child, Jayden. When I tell my story I tend to blow through the boring stuff like doing shit Jayden wants to do, and I like to focus on the fun side of life, after he goes to sleep, at my parents’ house, where he lives. I never want to see the movie Wall-E, ever again.

Everybody wants to know, do they have the same dad? I am like bitch, don’t you want to know their names first? Easy way to remember their names is to only remember the first names of the ones I kept. Jayden, Cayden, Brayden, and Bailin are gonna grow up to be attorneys at law and have big fancy TV commercials.

So that’s it. That’s my life with them boys. I’m a teen mom. It’s hell. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. Even though I realize that is what I have done, now that I am writing this out and for the first time thinking it through. Well, damn. My life is shit. I missed Teen Mom for this?

This tragic story is brought to you sadly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
A solution for everything, from cradle to grave.

Selena Gomez dead at 19

Selena Gomez died in a fatal car accident
Selena Gomez was pronounced dead at the scene of a fatal alcohol-related accident.

Los Angeles – Fans mourn the loss of Disney star Selena Gomez, who was pronounced dead in a fatal car crash Friday. According to police on the scene, alcohol is believed to have been a factor in the accident.

Gomez had to be cut loose from the wreckage of her late model Ford Escape Hybrid, which was tangled between a guardrail and telephone pole off Santa Monica Boulevard, authorities said.

“When I see this happening to kids,” explained LAPD’s Deputy Foster, holding back tears, “I wrench up inside. This is a tragedy. They weren’t even old enough to drink or have sex with me.”

Attorneys confirmed profits from Gomez’s new clothing line, “Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez,” are contractually obligated to absorb into Disney, which has outraged family members seeking comfort from the corporation which capitalized so heavily upon Gomez’s image, at the cost of her life.

The teen starlet, who just recorded a song with heartthrob Justin Bieber, was not alone in the accident. Two others died at the scene, however because they are not famous, and never will be, their names will not be printed here.

Uncomfirmed reports of two other individuals have surfaced amid reports Gomez was cheating on Bieber. Unnamed sources close to the couple indicated the two had “been having problems” but would not comment on the accident, or Gomez’s awesome underage drinking “problem.”