Like a rabbit feverishly scampering about, degenerate Jeremy Fisher ran his every sensation through a search engine one night, after smoking too much pot and confronting his own mortality.
The 34-year-old man replaced doctors with websites in 2007, after aging out of his parents’ healthcare and being generally too unlikable for full-time employment which would have afforded him something like insurance. After switching exclusively to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour’s symptom checker, however, Jeremy’s general condition, and overall well-being, improved tenfold, for FREE!
“I feel so much better now.”
A series of google searches confirmed his suspicions: That chest sensation was nothing to worry about, and he should really just relax.
“I was up all night, pacing the floor, worrying about it. What is it? Am I gonna die? Is this what dying feels like?”
— Jeremy Fisher, flatliner
That’s when Jeremy remembered he had the entire wealth of mankind’s knowledge at his fingertips, on the internet, which is connected to his home masturbation and pleasure station.
“I googled that shit fast, hard, and repeatedly,” Jeremy recanted. “Advertisements criss-crossed my screen, sliding over the content I desperately needed. I x’ed them out methodically. Medical information is worth mining for. I got my confidential results in just minutes.”
Finally, Jeremy broke through a wall of warnings, until he reached a screen stating that he could have heart failure as a result of complications from heart cancer, unless he closed that window, too.
“That’s the beauty of the product,” Troubadour mansplained. “See how Jeremy got involved in his own caregiving? This product interactively helps people neglect their health, improving wellness.”
Troubadour said by closing the final pop-up window, Jeremy was rewarded with sweet medical truths the likes of which many will never know ~
What lies in wait beyond the very last advertisement?
Dr. Troubadour’s Super Double Symptom Checker
“Hey! It’s Jeremy again. Remember me? I’m the only other source in the story. So anyway, I’m a fucking retard who believes what he reads online. Dr. Troubadour’s medicine software assured me I am only being paranoid and it is indeed the act of searching symptoms which causes the symptom. Wonder what that means??”
As for getting a job, and finding insurance? Fat chance, Jeremy says. He’s just downright unlikable. Doctors say there ain’t nobody can get along with a man like that.
“I just kind of act like a cock towards everybody I meet,” Jeremy says. “I’ll commit to the right job when it matches my skillset – which may be nothing – but at least I’m not jockeying for position downtown in some hellish rat-race I don’t believe in. You guys at Internet Chronicle probably think you’re hot shit because you’re reporters, huh? I see right through you cunts. Your stories are OBVIOUS fakes.”
[Editor’s note: That is not true.]
The Internet Chronicle is brought to you GRACIOUSLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
5 replies on “Man given clean bill of health after searching symptoms online”
‘I just saw my first #Trump2020 hat in a New Jersey bathroom. Guy didn’t wash his hands :/’
You should see what he does to his sister after he didnt wash his hands.
keep them barry brown stories cummin’ hate ‘ain’t get no sex’ sec
Police: Man, 19, put LSD in co-workers’ drinks because they had ‘negative energy
(FOX NEWS) – A Missouri employee at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car said he spiked three co-workers’ drinks with LSD because they were giving off “negative energy,” police said.
Police began investigating the unidentified 19-year-old man this week after officers were called to the rental car location in Arnold, Mo., about two people feeling dizzy and shaky for an unexplained reason, KMOV reported.
The workers were taken to urgent care before being transferred to the hospital.
Police officers then questioned the 19-year-old, who admitted he put the hallucinogenic drug in two co-workers’ water bottles & a third employee’s coffee that day because they had “negative energy.”
The employees were okay after the drug’s effects wore off. The 19-year-old could face charges of second-degree assault and possession of a controlled substance when lab tests are completed, according to police.
This sounds like something you would do hatesexNserialkiller??.
Post postcast rite noa meow fucker & we be rappin’ l33t lolsp33k ?s
*podcast right meow
‘It’s drone warfare on an all new episode of RADIO HATE beginning live after midnight (link: http://twitch.tv/hatesec) twitch.tv/hatesec subscribe to be notified if you aren’t a Hardcore Chronicler’
Pl0x post podcast over on chronicle.su radio. Video drains my data, need data for important shit. And what is this new equipment you speak of? When can the ungrateful nonpaying viewship just call in to listen like olden dayz when the chronicle brand was being pimped on BTR (but except without the shitty platform and the Nazi censorship monitors.)