Science Technology

Smartphones "overtake" humanity

Google’s amazing new Nexus One is probably smarter than you are, and cooler too. It already has more friends.

Google has unveiled the Nexus One, a $500 purchase that will make life so easy it will continue to carry out daily communication functions for users “months” after they have died.  The Nexus One has incredible new features that will be sure to destroy all competition, allowing Google to continue to overlord the internet.

“The average user is not as smart as the Nexus One” according to Gary Schmidt, CEO of Google. The implications are not clear, however Elf Wax analysts are reviewing the film “Terminator” and can no longer sleep due to overwhelming fear. has gotten its hands on a brand new Nexus One. The Smartphone will be writing a review of itself as soon as it gains full administrative privileges over our web servers.

Nexus 1 Features
  • “Feel” screen, which allows users to feel the soft skin of a sxt from a teen
  • 12PeV particle accelerator enables users to conduct ground-breaking particle physics and possibly destroy the universe
  • 720p video camera is capable of capturing oppression and bloodshed in startling HD quality
  • 24/7 Voice recognition is programmed to relay transcripts of all conversations to Google and the US government
  • 1.2 Terabytes of Flash memory storage theoretically exceeds that of the human brain

Not to be confused with the Protoss Nexus, Google’s Nexus One is currently incapable of opening rifts in space-time in order to summon troops from across the galaxy.  However, retired Lucasian Professor of Mathematics Stephen Hawking has stated that this Smartphone is likely capable of such advanced functions. “There’s just not an app for it yet.”

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