VATICAN CITY – As Pope Francis (D-Italy) attempts to open new bureaucratic instruments to tackle rape and neoliberalism in the Vatican, Anonymous Spokesman Barrett Brown said the Catholic church is taking an “unhealthy interest in the sensitive search for internet pederasts” and that their unwanted attention could jeopardize the witch-hunt.
Brown, who currently operates from his mobile diesel prison cell across the barren Texas wasteland, likened the church’s assistance to “working with the enemy.” He said it reminds him of the crippling effects the US funded Al Qaeda had on the war on terror, before becaming ISIS.
“We are working around the clock to catch Catholic priests fucking little boys,” Brown said, “so when r0sary comes online, the investigation is effectively dead in the holy water.”
Many Catholic priests have entered underground /i/nvasion IRC channels and chan forums, offering to participate in the hunt for online predators and the illegal pornography they produce. Among them, r0sary is a well-known Catholic hacker whose expertise in child-fucking could unfortunately be very helpful to the group.
“I would never fuck a little boy,” Brown said. “But if I was the kind of person who did that sort of thing – and I’m not saying that I am – but if I was, I can imagine that fucking their raw, pink little anuses would give me some insight into how a pedophile operated, and make Anonymous better.”
So for now, Anonymous begrudgingly, but bravely, works alongside the rape warriors in the Catholic church. But for how long this unlikely alliance may last, ain’t no man can say. Attempts to dox r0sary have ended in pitiful failure, as users have noted he logs into efnet with a username and password, behind a service known as a ‘cloak.’ Brown said it is only a matter of time before they catch up to, and surpass, their partners in the internet’s first rapist-rapist-hunter alliance.
“Until then, we’ll just have to keep watching child pornography, learning from their habits,” r0sary said on IRC. “I am enhancing some close-up footage right now, with the hope of finding the offender’s reflection in his victim’s pleading, perfect eyes.”