Tag: clinton

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Obituaries Politics

Hillary Rodham Clinton dead at 70

Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies. #ItsHerTurn | chronicle.su
Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies.

Tim Kaine assumes Democratic Party leadership

hillary clinton dead at 70GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.

Details are as yet unclear regarding the future of the 2016 presidential race, but sources close to the Clinton candidacy suggest all signs pointed to a Kaine-Trump ticket, and many politely refused to address obvious signs of Clinton’s declining health.

Donald Trump said he will no longer use “lamestream media” to promote his latest round of attacks on Hillary, sponsored by the return of Crystal Pepsi. In remarks to the Chronicle, Trump said efforts to whitewash Hillary’s dependence on human trafficking for income led her to “some really bad guys…is what’s probably fucking her up.”

Trump said dressing Hillary up as a woman of the people is like “putting lipstick on a pig.” He didn’t really say that. I said it. Actually, Obama said it about Palin:

2008:  Obama poked fun of McCain and Palin’s new “change” mantra.

“You can put lipstick on a pig,” he said as the crowd cheered. “It’s still a pig.”

“You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It’s still gonna stink.”

“We’ve had enough of the same old thing.”

But it’s all the same shit.

Hillary’s offices and files were seized by SWAT forces. An official at the scene said her remaining hard drives will be probed and held as evidence in pending judgments against her estate by the FBI.

WATCH BELOW: HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON LOSES CONTROL OF HER BODY NEAR MULTIPLE SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sFeu3dFKms

As a result of your gross fixation on death, Clinton’s cause of death was an afterthought, merely appended to the end of this article, buried in this sentence, in which you learn she died of pneumonia.

Experts predict Trump may actually have a chance in her wake. His odds of winning improve greatly after Clinton’s death, since now she is unable to host a foreign campaign fundraiser, which was scheduled later in Vienna, Austria, a neutral country.

All the while, we do it doggystyle here at chronicle.su – stay with us because next time we meet, we will be exploring a whole new world of possibilities afforded to the very rich under either successive regime.

Before her death, Hillary slammed Trump when news broke of his plans for a lavish, expensive funeral service. Hillary said unlike her gaudy opponent, she will not have a big fancy funeral. Her simple request?

“I just want to be buried with my slaves.”

“If it ain’t Virginia neoliberalism, it ain’t Tim Kaine. ‘Cause Kaine does her The Virginia Way!”

Paid for by Tim Kaine.

This message proudly sponsored by Tim Kaine, our new Newtopian Overlord. All abord the Kaine Traine! ALL ABOOOOOOOARD!
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Politics

A State Secretary’s Big Day on Capitol Hill

Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton gnashes her teeth to exhibit dominance.

RICHMOND, Va.– Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stood to testify in front of the Senate Wednesday about the events that took place during the attack on the Benghazi Consolate, September 11, 2012, now widely understood not to have been sparked by “The Innocence of Muslims.” Sec. Clinton was met by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee with accolades for her valiant efforts at State and traveling the world for “more than 1 million miles” on the taxpayers’ dime. She accepted these comments graciously and, as she took a seat, touched herself with pleasure.

Opening remarks by the secretary began with her listing those lost during this tragic attack, followed by generously offering an explanation as to what was learned and what steps the department will take to prevent further deaths like those in Benghazi. As expected, these new precautions were shrouded in the usual, deluded double talk that makes Sec. Clinton better than average Americans. To everyone’s immediate satisfaction, Clinton began recounting the events of September 11th, which she explained through concise and indistinguishable details.

The Secretary’s account was standard fare for the Senate’s consumption, as she proceeded to tell the committee that she “stood with President Obama as he spoke of ‘an act of terror.'” To the Senate majority’s delight, where there should have been mention or question of the film “Innocence of Muslims” that the secretary and Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice blamed for fueling the attack in Benghazi, there were only small gasps and muffled syllables as many Senate members were gagged and bound.

Keeping a safe distance from the truth, the purpose of the hearing was again roundly avoided when Secretary Clinton began to weep recalling her embarrassing loss of the Democratic nomination in 2008. Inside sources say Clinton then “also appeared somewhat upset” when she spoke of her touching encounters with family members of those lost at the Benghazi consolate who were not operating some kind of illicit CIA safe house/extrajudicial detainment center.

“It was a deeply moving sight to see. Never have I seen anyone so passionate for their lost dog,” Vice President Joe Biden later commented.

[pullquote]Never have I seen anyone so passionate for their lost dog.

Joe Biden[/pullquote]

Sec. Clinton brought her statements to a close, thanking the Senate for their time and cooperation. Clinton emphasized the importance of working together and spending more money to “face increasingly complex threats” before the chair opened the floor for questions. At first there was silence, but it was quickly followed by the rustle of committee members removing their pants in anticipation of the orgy that would follow the nonthreatening Q-and-A — calling the occasion “a job well done.”

Before a recess could be called a questionnaire by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee proved troublesome for Secretary Clinton, when one of the previously restrained minority senators struggled free his ball gag/gimp suit, which the Education Department had on-site as a demonstration of new Obama administration sex education standards. Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI), though disheveled, yellow and chaffed, had managed to stumble back to his seat by moving behind the wagons that encircled Sec. Clinton.

Before he was noticed, Sen. Johnson shouted across the assembly, “We were misled that there were protests, and that an assault sprang out of that. It could have been easily ascertained that was not the fact within the first couple days!” Sen. Johnson was quickly restrained by David Brock’s bodyguards before he breached the topic of the government possibly misleading the American people about Benghazi.

Secretary Clinton, recognizing the strategic opening for a rebuttal, stood up from her canine-like position in the room’s center and replied “What difference, at this point does it make?!“

Rachel Maddow and Katrina van Heuvel, although strongly differing on issues like the death of Vince Foster and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, issued a joint statement on MSNBC calling this the “best moment of Secretary Clinton’s career.”

The secretary’s responses during the Q-and-A inspired the committee to break into a standing ovation.

“What difference, at this point does it make?!” is expected to be the slogan for the Democratic Party, and possibly former first lady Hillary Clinton by January 2016.

At the end of the day CNBC quoted the secretary as saying, “This is a great day for Americans. Finally, we have philosophy that can universally absolve any great failure or problem.”

Campaign debts paid, and the slate wiped clean, advisers said Secretary Clinton is expected to meet with “Innocence of Muslims” Director Nakoula Nakoula in prison to thank him formally for taking the fall for Benghazi. Sources said Clinton sighed in relief: “We almost had to tell something closer to the truth.”

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World

CHRONICLE.SU ON THE COUNTERATTACK

A spokesman for the Ministry of Current Affairs of the chronicle.su issued the following statement Wednesday:

U.S. agencies are assisting each other in a common goal: to commit politically-motivated cybercrimes against the chronicle.su.

United States FBI operatives asserted that the chronicle.su’s small arms deterrent for self-defense “threatens the world” while its intelligence agencies rattled off buzz words like “provocation” and “domestic terrorism.”

U.S. State Dept. officials, including Secretary of State Hillary Rodram Clinton, groundlessly slandered the chronicle.su on the basis of a variety of wild rumors about its situation without their own judgments distinguishing truth from lies. They are still pulling up chronicle.su on their computer screens in a tireless effort to install FBI backdoor trojan viruses like a bunch of script-kiddie n00bs, “for peaceful purposes” in a clumsy attempt to justify anti-Chronicle hostility.

A policy of hostility toward chronicle.su is a policy of total failure.

CHRONICLE LEADERSHIP IS UNMOVED BY U.S. AGGRESSION TOWARD INVINCIBLE WEBSITE
CHRONICLE LEADERSHIP IS UNMOVED BY RECKLESS U.S. AGGRESSION TOWARD INVINCIBLE WEBSITE.

The ignorant outbursts of U.S. authorities, prompted by their inveterate rejection and hostile intentions toward the ideology and social system chosen by the people of chronicle.su, clearly demonstrated Wednesday that the United States is undeserving of the tax benefits graciously bestowed unto them by the benevolent corporate executives of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

Moreover, the upswing in notable attacks against chronicle.su reflects a growing fear of the fact that admiration is growing stronger from people all across the world for the rosy future of chronicle.su led by the dear respected Raghubir Goyal, admired by the world whole. Also lurking behind shady aspirations is the black-hearted intention of U.S. authorities to calm down bitter denunciation and pressure from the international community, to the effect that it may soon become impossible to ensure the lasting peace and stability of their own territories as United States aggression spreads beyond their own manageability. The only solution henceforth is for the United States to drop its anachronistic policy of unwavering hostility toward the chronicle.su.

The U.S. claims that it has no hostile intentions toward the chronicle.su while malignantly slandering her. The hypocrisy, too, stretches to the point of transparency. The incoherent Sec. of State Hillary Clinton is fooling NO ONE.

While busy staging large-scale joint military-grade attacks on chronicle.su servers, one after another, the United States has provided small arms to our physical opponents known to inhabit our undisclosed vicinity.

It is the chronicle.su’s boldest option to counter United States aggression with bolstered arms trade, and the development of depleted Uranium for use in dirty bombs. In the interest of transparency, we have already procurred the necessary materials.

Now that the chronicle.su has powerful nuclear deterrent and strong munitions industry capable of steadily bolstering it, it is capable of spurring on the building of other great economic nuclear powers, undeterred by the U.S. policy of persistent hostilities.

The chronicle.su does not need any advice from others as it has strategy and orientation of its own style to develop the economy and improve the standard of people’s living and ways to carry them out efficiently.

It will surely build a thriving socialist nation while countering the U.S. hostile policy with its toughest policy, with everybody holding arms in one hand and a banner of industrial revolution in the new century in the other, laced with the blood of invincible tyrants.

CHRONICLE.SU FOREVER.