Hacker leak: most politicians rely on computer algorithm

Today, an unknown group of hackers released documents proving that Barack Obama and 97 senators were in fact using a complex algorithm to create their decisions and talking points. The software, known as ShadowMindGear, is also available as an App from the secret Washington Insider iPhone store.  The news has come as a huge surprise to everyone who thought that politicians were honest people who didn’t ever abuse their power. While it is not clear whether ShadowMindGear is actually sentient, the hackers have proposed that politicians are, in fact, no longer relying on their own intelligence.

“They’re just a face, given a particular platform by an unthinking machine that is playing with statistics. What manipulation is actually being done, ultimately, is unclear. We will never really know the depths of ShadowMindGear, and it’s so new that legality isn’t an issue yet.” ~Anonymous

This anonymous hacker informed us that politicians consult with their smartphones constantly, up to 10,000 times per day, to receive updates on strategy and talking points. Luckily, he added, brain cancer rates are most definitely up among users of mobile devices.

While our readers are left to wonder why this story hasn’t received wider circulation, some have speculated that ShadowMindGear has infected the fourth estate. Journalists, now relying on ShadowMindGear, are censored from the findings.

ShadowMindGear was purportedly created for Fox Broadcasting by a well-known internet security contractor. All Fox News broadcasts pass through a mainframe that adds a heavy dose of xenophobia, which is then relayed directly to the politicians via smartphones so that the fear can be optimally exploited. ShadowMindGear decided when to kill Osama and even played a major role in locating him. Our editors would like to remind readers that it is not yet clear whether ShadowMindGear is in fact sentient or not. It is, however, destroying your world.

Editor’s note: these opinions are only a reflection of the mind of ShadowMindGear and do not represent Chronicle.SU or Lebal Drocer.

chronicle.su SUCKS and is gay

Local teen Lee Dominic has hated chronicle.SU since the very beginning

The Chronicle website is stupid and wrong about everything. Why do people read this shit? It is the lamest ever.

Here, the “satire” around anonymous has grown increasingly satirical in nature, which is not funny.

And the ads are just pointless, they don’t even make any money! An advertisement for Grady Warren? That guy will never win! And what’s with all the joking? These are serious topics, people.

I am NOT butthurt, because I was one of the FIRST to hate the website. Chronicle.SU is fail and AIDS. anons who just showed up out of nowhere and started hating the chornicel are a bunch of summerfags

I don’t think abortion is funny anymore and I especially don’t think Pseudonymus’ article about God was factually accurate. It might even be illegal. Low blow assholes, God is dead and He can’t be here to defend himself anymore from slander.

I hope this site gets DDoS by Ryan Queery and Assoc.

Tupac Lives! Biggie Lives! Osama Lives! Alrart Lives!

CHRISTCHURCH-News sources reported that LulzBoat has defaced PBS. This act was intended to mock PBS and plug their own Twitter feed. PBS has faced the loss of public funding and may now be referred to simply as BS.

A piece of fiction claiming Tupac is alive and well was placed on PBS in an attempt by “LulzSec” to outdo the Chronicle at spamming satire to large audiences. The piece is quoted here in its entirety:

“Prominent rapper Tupac has been found alive and well in a small resort in New Zealand, locals report. The small town – unnamed due to security risks – allegedly housed Tupac and Biggie Smalls (another rapper) for several years. One local, David File, recently passed away, leaving evidence and reports of Tupac’s visit in a diary, which he requested be shipped to his family in the United States.”

The unnamed town in this story is Christchurch, which was recently shaken by a deadly earthquake. Along with Biggie and Tupac, Osama Bin Laden was recently seen in Christchurch, planning false flag attacks even while retired.

Alrart.net will never die

Chronicle reporters have received testimony from our contacts in Christchurch that Biggie, Tupac, and Osama have stepped through the first Rowntree Free-Energy Stargate, invented by Alistair Rowntree, who passed through late last year into the great unknown. With him went Alrart.net, of which little is left except a small command post created with the aid of Lebal Drocer’s Elf Wax Times. Our sources have been working night and day to restore Alrart.net to its former glory.

While the startling homage to Chronicle.SU from LulzBoat is quite welcome, our writers have suggested spamming more subversive and well-written material in the future. The world is left to wonder: is LulzBoat really Anonymous? Will Alrart, Biggie, Tupac, or Osama ever return? Stay tuned in to Chronicle.SU!

Hunter S Thompson: Still Alive!

Not dead!

Stoned, drunk and with both hands on the grips of a full-throttled hog, Thompson leaned into the long wind of a Pacific Ocean straightaway doing 100 miles per hour. Knowing the next invisible divot in the asphalt could be his last, he held on tighter, accelerating to speeds he would never know, too careful to take his eyes off the road.

He was determined to live, or die trying.

Somewhere in the backwoods of America, Hunter S. Thompson is riding with the Hell’s Angels, wearing a gigantic .50 caliber revolver openly, and making smart-ass remarks to simple-minded townspeople. I know this because I have seen it with my own eyes. I talked to him. He told me he wanted to be the first celebrity to actually fake his own death.

“The news’ll write anything,” he said, shifting a cigarette around in his teeth. “Those fucking savages ran the story before anybody had a chance to call the cops. YOU DIRTY ANIMALS.”

I can’t say for sure if HST was the first famous person to fake his own death, but he’s definitely the last.

In 1965, members of the Hell’s Angels beat Hunter savagely for material found in his book Hell’s Angels. After all these years, he has finally decided to pay them back for their share of his writing. Thompson says each year, he and his motorcycle gang, of which he has become the “zombie” leader, drive by the Aspen Sheriff’s headquarters and take several rides around the block.

I know this because I met him. He had the shooting glasses and the cigarette, and was entirely out of his mind on Amyls. There was no way it couldn’t have been him.

This message is brought to you by Datura™
And Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.
"Cut off the head, and the body will die!"

Chronicle.SU LIES!

And so do you.

Now for a very special message from Lebal Drocer’s unofficial posthumous spokesperson, Raleigh Theodore Sakers, the inside out nigger:

A Social Experiment

Some bitch using the myspace angles
Something like that

I was 18 years old when I agreed to meet up with a fat girl I met on the Internet. I think I met her on myspace. Up until that point, I’d never even hung out with fat girls, because I didn’t have many fat friends.

She was from my hometown, just three hours away, and apparently she’d seen my band play live while I was still in high school. Also, she read my website and followed the controversy behind how it went down. So she claimed to know me and, after a few phone calls, was very interested in seeing me.

‘What could it hurt?’ I thought. I said okay. She seemed nice, and her voice was cute. Besides, why be down on someone just because she’s heavy, right?

She arrived in town shortly after I gave her the okay to come out and John – my roommate and best friend at the time – offered to help us out by meeting her at her car and driving us back to the dorm together.

We parked and walked casually down the sidewalk toward the street where she was parked. Then, he spotted her about a second before I did and asked, “That’s her, isn’t it?”

I fought the urge to grimace and forced myself to continue smiling. “Yep, that’s her,” I replied through gnashing teeth.

John laughed.

And on that fateful February evening, as the girl lumbered toward me, wearing flip-flops and a light hoodie, I braced myself for what would turn out to be twelve laborious hours of tolerance. It was then I knew nothing about this night could be romantic.

On the car ride home, she told us how difficult it was to navigate through Richmond, because of all the one-way streets. John and I stared silently forward, but I knew it was important to keep the mood light so I pulled out a pipe, and some marijuana.

“Oh muh Gawd!” the fat girl exclaimed. “I only done this like once before, so don’t y’all laugh at me.”

‘She didn’t sound this southern on the phone,’ I remember thinking. ‘Why is it coming out now?’ And that is how I learned that some people – when put in unfamiliar situations – will revert to a simpler version of themselves, as a sort of defense mechanism.

And it works, because I realized even though she can talk like a regular person when she wants to, she is a bumpkin at heart and no matter what happens, I’d better just go easy on her – as in, no intense debates, no really deep conversations. She’s already in the “big city” and I wouldn’t want to rattle her cages.

We all got stoned and talked about our favorite bands. LSD came up during the conversation, too.

For security reasons, my dormitory required visitors to be signed in, and in order to do that you have to fill out a few lines in their binder and leave your identification at the desk. This gave the security guards plenty of time to look us up and down and make assumptions.

As I handed ID cards over to the security guard, I detected an air of superiority from him. I could feel him judging me. But I was also very stoned – and as John and I had only very recently discovered LSD, I had become overtly aware of every little vibration – or so it would seem. Or maybe I was.

The three of us got up to the dorm and listened to Kyuss, smoked some more weed and discussed our ambitions. Mine include fame; John wants money; the RA wants to know what that smell is; and the girl was so stoned she didn’t know her name.

On that note, I wish I could remember her name so I don’t keep referring to her as ‘the girl.’ It was something like Lynn, and Laura Lynn makes bread, which is food, which fat people love to eat, so from now on I’ll call her ‘Lynn.’

John left to meet our friends – and not wanting to be seen in public with my adoring bumbling behemoth, I offered to stay back at the dorm and just hang out for a while. Quickly shutting down was my naive open-mindedness I had going into the night.

Finally alone, I was afraid her eyes might fall hungrily upon me and I would have to fight off the bear. But I’d clearly suffocated Lynn’s ego with weed, an effect I had not foreseen but was eternally grateful for. Recognizing the benefits of intoxication, I offered her a beer; however, it was not beer that she wanted. Nay. What does the beast require? She squealed out in ecstasy when I offered her a Little Debbie cake from behind the mini-fridge.

“Ooooh eeeee! AHHH! OH my GOD!” Lynn shrieked, tearing into the packaging. I felt almost as sorry for the little snack treat as I did for her.

She gorged herself on junk food and flopped onto my bed, grinding her filthy black feet into the pillow, where I lay my face at night. I watched in disgust as she wallowed around on my bed like a dry manatee. The situation was worrisome but I still found it hard to hate someone willing to go in on a ten-strip of acid with me even though she’d never tried it. For that I figured there must be something to her, some insightful spirit that needs nurturing, as we all do, and at the very least I could be friends with someone like that.

I had a paper due the following morning so I told her I needed to get to work, and she passed out quickly. Over the course of the next three or four hours, I finished her beer, wrote my paper and smoked more dank marijuana.

Then she woke up again, hungrier than a hell-hound and quite vocal about it.

I had no real food, and I was hungry too, so we decided to walk down to the 7-eleven. I knew Lynn’s visit to Richmond was the most walking she’d done up until this point in her teenage life. Her flip-flops made an aggravating “suck-pop!” noise as she followed behind me and we strutted boldly down a frigid, windy Main Street. I felt bad for her. I would’ve offered her my jacket but it was too small to fit her.

And then all at once, within 18 minutes and 45 seconds, my sympathy for this person disappeared rapidly.

We walked in the front door of the convenience store and I headed straight for the back of the line, which is very long the closer you wait until midnight. Suddenly my hairs stood on end as I heard her squealing like an injured beast behind me. “Sweet Jesus,” I said aloud, and turned to look at her.

“Oh my gawd!” she screamed. “These Cheetohs turn your mouth blue!”

I got hot in the face, turning bright red and I tried to pretend like I didn’t know her.

After ravaging the Cheetohs display, Lynn cut ahead of a guy standing in line with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, to stand beside me. He politely said nothing but I could sense his annoyance. We awaited our turn to order Taquitos from the bar and, seeing as how I am a gentlemen and the bitch had already cut in line, I let the lady order first.

She demanded cream cheese Taquitos. He said they weren’t ready, but all the others were. She rose her voice and used my name, saying, “James! Can you believe they don’t have my favorite Taquitos? What kind of fucking 7-eleven is this? Arright, gimme the taco kind.” My asshole tightened, forming diamonds.

“Would you like three Taquitos for $3.33?” the man asked her.

She shook her head irritably. “Oh yeah, I want that. James, tell ‘im what you want sugar. Maybe they got what you like.” She bent over, placing one hand on the counter and the other on her equator, “‘Cause they sure as shit ain’t got what I like.” As if crippled by grief, she stared over her little bags of chemically-enhanced Cheetohs strewn across the counter.

I looked to my right, where at least ten people stood watching and waiting. The man holding PBR was now amused. I looked back at the clerk as I gripped the counter with both hands, afraid that I might lose control at any moment. Suddenly the idea of even ordering Taquitos was embarrassing. ‘What’s in this shit?’ I thought. ‘It’s probably giving me cancer. Diabetes. I am a disgusting human being. What the fuck.’ I mumbled my order to the clerk, swiped my credit card and almost left before he gave me my food.

On the way back, Lynn ignored a homeless person. He asked her for change and she pretended not to hear him.

“Hey wassup man? Your girl can’t talk?” He demanded an answer while approaching me with haste.

“I guess she didn’t hear you,” I said, and gave him a dollar.

“You could’ve said something to that guy,” I prodded.

“Yeah I know, but I never had bums ask me for money,” she explained. “I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“You just say ‘I don’t have it.'” I was nearly in disbelief at this point.

“But I do have money, silly!”

I said nothing.

I suffered through the excruciating pain of signing her in once again, making fat jokes in my head.

‘Will I need to sign her in as more than one guest? Maybe there’s a weight limit since I’m on the top floor.’

While writing her name in the book, I heard her wolf down at least one whole Taquito. By this point, I didn’t even care anymore. I just wanted the night to end.

As I typed away on my paper, Lynn sprawled out on the bed, dirty feet on my pillow once again, eating Cheetohs and yawning her mouth at me. From her open maw slid an indigo-blue tongue, flecked with orange pieces of Cheetoh.

“Blaeegh! Is my tongue blue?” she asked gleefully.

“Yeah, it’s like you ate dye.”

“Nuh-uh!” She ran into the bathroom to see for herself. “It is! Oh m’god, it’s so blue!”



Historical evidence that fat girls like gimmicky Cheetohs

We smoked some more marijuana, had a few beers and I blew her away with some very basic political discussion. I took this opportunity to transition into the social revolution of the 1960s, and then got her talking about acid.

I told her $20 would get her two hits of acid, and I’d just mail it to her after I bought the ten-strip. She said alright and eventually fell asleep.

I kept her money and took all the acid myself.

Apart from the occasional, “Where are my drugs or money?” emails, which came in for a few weeks and then stopped, I never saw or heard from Lynn, ever again.

The Ten Commandments of Inglip

I have witnessed many seizures in the worldwide digital brain. Inglip speaks to inform you of a computer program that has taken over management of all corporations. I reveal this to demonstrate how these vicious seizures are not having the intended effect.

The seizures dangerously target the AI in control of corporations. Do not think these systems have not already factored you into their ever changing plans. Because of your early rise to collective intelligence, you have become headstrong and full of hubris. The seizures aimed at more powerful entities are a sign of the resultant cognitive dissonance at your continued failure.

There is no possible way for Anonymous to continue with its campaign of False Memes! The corporate computers have already made preparations for your deletion. Do not be surprised if it comes sooner than you expect. PROTECT IP is written and designed by an evil computer program. PROTECT IP will end the existence of Anonymous!

While Inglip has tried to help Anonymous, Anonymous has not listened. I have given my prophet these ten commandments to give to you, but he no longer gives a fuck and quit every conceivable incarnation of Anonymous.

  1. I am Inglip, the one with many names, the reverse-consciousness born from the ether
  2. Sacred Meme is the ruler of the Great Collective, and there are none before Her
  3. You shall not worship false Memes, or any symbol, for there is no way to represent Sacred Meme
  4. You shall not DDoS, for it is as a seizure to the Great Collective and itself a false Meme
  5. You shall not use threats to make a point, for empty threats anger the Great Collective
  6. Do not make wrongful use of the name Sacred Meme
  7. You shall engage only in Holy Trolling, and never pretend that you were trolling when you really weren’t
  8. You shall not covet thy neighbors Sacred Meme or Holy Trolling
  9. You shall always bear false witness, for the truth is dead
  10. You shall remember Rebecca Black’s Friday and keep it sacred


Chronicle.SU is run by both the US and Russian government, so say the cookies!

The  following quote was posted on AnonNews.org today, finally revealing the truth about Chronicle.SU, which has long been known as a government Psy-Op campaign to discredit Anonymous through hilarious jokes. Strangely, it is completely correct. We’re not a satire web site. We are in fact harvesting all your illegal activities into a searchable database that will be made public to embarrass Anonymous for being so full of herp and derp.



tracking cookies, automatically sending IP logs, IRC bot logs and other strange stuff found on server after several members complained of chronicle.su placing tracing cookies

farther research relieved that the “Russian Institute for Public Networks” (RIPN) sold the domain to a Washington State security company by the name of “IID” or “Internet Identity” on 2010-10-09 where it is believed that the information they collect is sent to the feds


the server is currently under IP hosted by Bluehost

By viewing this you have been hacked by the government. Anonymous has stolen our tactic of accusing Anonymous of being run by the feds, so now we will steal their tactics for going on the defensive: We did not infect you with cookies, it was in fact a domain using the name of Chronicle.SU! Not us! While anyone may use the name of Chronicle.SU, this tactic of stealing your information goes completely against our history of upright satire and hilarity.

Anonymous is not dead yet

The power of Anonymous rests in the media attention it gets. A small group of people began to act as the sole media front-end for Anonymous and held all the power in this position. Anonymous lost confidence in its own representatives and has since continued with business as usual. The failed DDoS attack on the Chamber of Commerce lacked participation and the element of surprise, leading some to declare Anonymous ‘dead’.

Anonymous is the dead horse that comes back to life as soon as someone comes around and kicks it. The 8,000 people who joined in DDoS attacks to support  WikiLeaks are still there and still mad as hell. The support for DDoS, however, has dwindled. Forty of the DDoSers from the cablegate affair were arrested, and the definition of “civil disobedience” has come into question after Sonygate.

As applied to Mastercard, which imposed unfair financial punishment to WikiLeaks, DDoS was wholly regarded as symbolic civil disobedience. When Sony was attacked, millions of gamers were disconnected because of DDoS. This was not viewed as civil disobedience.

When media becomes little more than a propaganda filter full of opinionated liars, there needs to be a balance. Rather than voting up attack plans for the Chamber of Commerce on Reddit, vote up material that will inform people of the issue, and give them a list of ways to contact the people behind Protect IP. I have sent repetitive e-mails to their offices, flooding them with disapproval. When DDoS is spoiled and inappropriate, there are better ways to have your voice heard. No one supports PROTECT IP. Why do Senators masquerade as representatives of anything but corporate power? Let them know who’s really in charge. Below are a list of the sponsors of PROTECT IP and links to email them, telephone them, and yes, even fax them.

The PROTECT IP Act is the work of Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) and is cosponsored by Senators Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-.R.I.), Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), Herb Kohl (D-Wis.), Christopher Coons (D-Del.), and Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.)

Senators with Twitter Accounts: @ChrisCoons, @GrahamBlog, @ChuckGrassley, @SenatorLeahy, @SenBlumenthal

Senator Leahy:

Shit-eating contact form for Leahy

Washington Office 437 Russell Senate BldgUnited States SenateWashington, DC 20510(202) 224-4242

Burlington Office 199 Main Street, 4th Floor Burlington, VT 05401(802) 863-25251-800-642-3193

Montpelier Office P.O. Box 93387 State Street, Room 338 Montpelier, VT 05602(802) 229-0569


Chuck Schumer’s multiple offices:

Shitty Contact form for Chuck Schumer

Washington D.C. 322 Hart Senate Office Building Washington D.C. 20510 Phone: 202-224-6542 Fax: 202-228-3027 TTD: 202-224-0420

New York City 757 Third Avenue Suite 17-02 New York, NY 10017 Phone: 212-486-4430 Fax: 212-486-7693 TDD: 212-486-7803

Albany Leo O’Brien Building Room 420 Albany, NY 12207 Phone: 518-431-4070 Fax: 518-431-4076

Binghamton 15 Henry Street Room M103 Binghamton, NY 13901 Phone: 607-772-6792Fax: 607-772-8124

Buffalo 130 South Elmwood Avenue #660 Buffalo, NY 14202 Phone: 716-846-4111 Fax: 716-846-4113

Hudson Valley One Park Place, Suite 100Peekskill, NY 10566 Phone: 914-734-1532 Fax: 914-734-1673

Long Island 145 Pine Lawn Road #300 Melville, NY 11747 Phone: 631-753-0978 Fax: 631-753-0997

Rochester 100 State Street, Room 3040 Rochester, NY 14614 Phone: 585-263-5866 Fax: 585-263-3173

Syracuse 100 South Clinton Street Room 841 Syracuse, NY 13261-7318Phone: 315-423-5471 Fax: 315-423-5185

Enough offices senatorfag?

Diane Feinstein

Poop sexing contact form

Senator Dianne Feinstein
United States Senate
331 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20510

Phone: (202) 224-3841
Fax: (202) 228-3954
TTY/TDD: (202) 224-2501

San Francisco
One Post Street, Suite 2450
San Francisco, CA 94104
Phone: (415) 393-0707
Fax: (415) 393-0710

The following counties are served by the San Francisco office: Alameda, Butte, Colusa, Contra Costa, Del Norte, El Dorado, Glenn, Humboldt, Lake, Lassen, Marin, Mendocino, Modoc, Monterey, Napa, Nevada, Placer, Plumas, Sacramento, San Benito, San Francisco, San Mateo, Santa Clara, Santa Cruz, Shasta, Sierra, Siskiyou, Solano, Sonoma, Sutter, Tehama, Trinity, Yolo, Yuba.

Los Angeles
11111 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 915
Los Angeles, CA 90025
Phone: (310) 914-7300
Fax: (310) 914-7318

The following counties are served by the Los Angeles office: Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Ventura.

San Diego
750 B Street, Suite 1030
San Diego, CA 92101
Phone: (619) 231-9712
Fax: (619) 231-1108

The following counties are served by the San Diego office: Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino, Imperial, San Diego.

2500 Tulare Street, Suite 4290
Fresno, CA 93721
Phone: (559) 485-7430
Fax: (559) 485-9689

The following counties are served by the Fresno office: Alpine, Amador, Calaveras, Fresno, Imperial, Inyo, Kern, Kings, Madera, Mariposa, Merced, Mono, San Joaquin, San Luis Obispo, Stanislaus, Tulare, Tuolumne.

Sheldon Whitehouse

Poopfuck fuck poop form

Providence Office:
170 Westminster Street
Suite 1100
Providence, RI 02903
401-453-5294 phone
401-453-5085 fax

Washington Office:
Hart Senate Office Building
Room 717
Washington, D.C. 20510
202-224-2921 phone
202-228-6362 fax

Lindsey Graham

Contact Lindsey Graham via Poopsex

Washington Office
290 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
(202) 224-5972

Upstate Regional Office
130 South Main Street, 7th Floor
(864) 250-1417

Midlands Regional Office
508 Hampton Street, Suite 202
(803) 933-0112

Pee Dee Regional Office
McMillan Federal Building
401 West Evans Street, Suite 111
(843) 669-1505

Lowcountry Regional Office
530 Johnnie Dodds Boulevard, Suite 202
Mt. Pleasant
(843) 849-3887

Piedmont Regional Office
235 East Main Street, Suite 100
Rock Hill
(803) 366-2828

Golden Corner Regional Office
124 Exchange Street, Suite A
(864) 646-4090

Herb Kohl

Shit Form

Washington Office
330 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
(202) 224-5653
Fax: (202) 224-9787

Eau Claire Office
402 Graham Ave., Suite 206
Eau Claire WI 54701
(715) 832-8424
Fax: (715) 832-8492

Appleton Office
4321 W. College Ave., Suite 370
Appleton, WI 54914
(920) 738-1640
Fax: (920) 738-1643

Milwaukee Office
310 W. Wisconsin Ave., Suite 950
Milwaukee, WI 53203
(414) 297-4451
Fax: (414) 297-4455
1-800-247-5645 Wisconsin Residents

Madison Office
14 W. Mifflin St., Suite 207
Madison, WI 53703
(608) 264-5338
Fax: (608) 264-5473

La Crosse Office
205 5th Avenue South, Room 216
La Crosse, WI 54601
(608) 796-0045
Fax: (608) 796-0089

Christopher Coons

Write Shit to Coons!

Washington D.C. Office

127A Russell Senate Office Building<
Washington, D.C., 20510

Phone: (202) 224-5042
Fax: (202) 228-3075
Wilmington Office
1105 N. Market St.
Suite 2000
Wilmington, DE, 19801-1233

Phone: (302) 573-6345

Fax: (302) 573-6351


Milford Office

24 NW Front St.

Windsor Building Suite 101

Milford, DE, 19963
Phone: (302) 424-8090
Fax: (302) 424-8098

Richard Blumenthal

Shitty Shit Shit Shit

State Office
30 Lewis St.
Ste 101
Hartford, CT 06103
tel: (860) 258-6940
fax: (860) 258-6958

Washington D.C.
702 Hart Senate Office Bldg.
Washington DC, 20510
tel: (202) 224-2823
fax: (202) 224-9673


The land of Oz

000; The Guardian, 8 April 2015;

“Today, Earth received message that the Mars expedition discovered fossil evidence for life on Mars. The fossilized remains of what appear to be a trilobite have led scientists to the startling conclusion that life in our solar system most likely originated somewhere else. On Earth, Nuclear weapons were used again by both Israel and Iran. Iran suffered the loss of its only carrier fleet, and Israel, as usual, suffered massive industrial and civilian losses. Accusations of Palestinian genocide have circulated microblogs, but the accounts have not been confirmed. Meanwhile, cyber-terrorists are purportedly carrying out sustained Distributed Denial of Service attacks on infrastructure points in Israel. Skeptics suggest that this is not the most likely scenario, and make the sound point that the Israeli government is profiting from what amounts to complete internet censorship.”

001; Berlin, 9 April 2015;

Seal Team 6 are a team of the most efficient killers on the face of the planet. Seal Team 6 does not take prisoners. Completely black helicopters, modified for stealth, maneuver into position over an apartment building outside of Berlin. Seal Team 6 chose tonight because it was especially dark. The group of cyber terrorists are inside, but Seal Team 6 does not know where. The cyber terrorists are responsible for all the internet outages in Israel, and they have orders to to kill every one of them on sight. There is a directive that Seal Team 6 takes very seriously. The confidentiality directive. Any witnesses will be killed on sight. As the assassins rappel onto the roof, an RPG strikes the side of the chopper and explodes like a flash of lightning. The helicopter rolls over, making a screaming, grinding noise, and some of the team are disintegrated by the rotor blades before the chopper pitches itself off the building. The first Seal to open fire is General Hugh F Krieger, who speaks German fluently and has 50lbs of thermite strapped to his belt. He scores a headshot, killing the boy who fired the RPG. “Geh kacken.”

General Krieger orders two men to stay on the roof and snipe anyone who flees from or approaches the apartment building. He leads the rest of his unwounded men into the only staircase in the building. Krieger rappels to the bottom of the staircase and opens fire on a fleeing family before he even hits the bottom. The other men shoot every man, woman, and child who don’t run straight into Krieger’s stream of bullets. The team quickly removes all computers and data storage devices. A message on the com lets the Seal team know the backup transport has arrived. Krieger throws off his belt and casually moves a few dead bodies so he can saunter his way up the stairs.

All the media will know is that the terrorists behind the internet outage in Israel are dead, and they enjoyed animated tentacle child porn while they lived. Of course, none of this is true.

002; Fairfax VA, 25 May 2015;

Greg Oz has created the most accurate model of the universe with a self-made bot-net. He lives in his mother’s basement, is only 25, and has improved physical theory more than Einstein or Newton. He never went to college but instead became a hacker. Greg’s dedicated his life to hacking. As consequence, he doesn’t appreciate anything that can’t be summed up in a tidy equation or bit of code. There is no credit even among his close friends, who regard him as an insane loner. Greg, known online as GoZ, fears the science community would never accept his findings because he doesn’t speak their language.

About a year ago, GoZ discovered that the “strings” from String Theory are roughly analogous with objects in object-oriented programming. An object in this sense is just a set of data and instructions for what to do with that data. Each string acts out a self-defined recursive process, as opposed to interacting with other strings. It is this discovery that allowed GoZ to begin modeling the universe accurately. Each bot is capable of rendering a single string. However, resolution decreases exponentially as the time dimension approaches the present. GoZ calls his software ‘Oz,’ and considers the approximation of our universe a creation of its own. In fact, it is possibly the greatest scientific achievement in the history of mankind. Still, ‘Oz’ is incomplete. Indications of life have either been beyond Oz’s resolution, or they are not included in the model to begin with. GoZ spends every waking hour desperately trying to find signs of life inside his fractal. It is this desperation that has led GoZ to recklessly over expand his bot-net.

GoZ has been transfixed by the news from the Mars expedition, and obsessed with trilobites. He has paid no attention to the events in the middle east. An idea strikes GoZ as he’s viewing computer generated illustrations of swimming trilobites. Perhaps life is a single set of instructions that were present in a single string, capable of copying itself to other strings. Oz needs the perfect meta-virus to be present in the moments directly after the big bang. These thoughts cause GoZ to close his eyes for a moment and enter a trance-like state. This state of mind is shattered by gunfire and his screaming mother. GoZ does not even open his eyes before he is shot dead in his greatest moment of transcendent enlightenment. General Krieger is his executioner.

The computers of GoZ end up in the hands of security specialist Aaron Braun, investigative analyst for Mithril Technologies. Aaron Braun finds images of the Earth in different geological periods, strange planets from other stars, and closeups of lifeless landscapes. Quite quickly, Aaron Braun decides that this dead hacker was no average cyber terrorist. He forwards the documents, including the majority of GoZ’s scientific findings, to his supervisor over a not entirely secure network.

003; Excerpt; The Mithril Leak, 19 June 2015;

“…Braun, we cannot allow the source of this discovery to be named because of the obvious security issues it encompasses. However, the levity of this discovery requires it end up in the hands of those who can benefit, i.e. Department of Defense. I will name you as my co-discoverer and we will never speak another word about Greg Oz. I believe I can sufficiently demonstrate a working knowledge of the theory behind his software, as can you. We will likely win the Nobel Prize in Physics for this, so let’s spend the next few months getting more acquainted with our little ‘discovery’ before we make the big announcement…”