Senator Leahy is so fucked

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/leahy1.mp3|titles=Love for Leahy]
Leahy, Sinister of the Protect IP Act
Leahy looking old

Knowing the kind of scum he is for sponsoring the Protect IP Act, Senator Gayhy will most probably spin my phone call as a threat and have my INTERNETZ REVOKED

Senator Leahy is so confused by computers, he had to ask his son to explain the family’s brand new abacus.

Senator Leahy is so corrupted by corporate greed Crayola paid him to endorse their newest green crayon.

Senator Leahy is so committed to the destruction of the bill of rights, he has a bell in his office that rings every time Facebook transacts your information with the government. The bell is broken. In place of silence, he hears the faint screaming of souls.

Senator Leahy can only get hard when someone challenges him to abuse women’s rights in new and exciting ways.

john warner has shooting heroin
john warner has graduated to heroin.

I’m telling you man, it’s like this…

The Hard-Hitting debate hit hard. The crowd jeered and erupted into jubilation. It used to be they’d hand out dials to the audience, for them to turn whenever they felt inclined. These reaction dials were not getting the point across, as most viewers did not understand how graphs really worked.

America’s the home team and Obama – he’s the relative of illegal immigrants and of !!!!!!questionable!!!!! birth himself.

By God’s grace we will defeat the Devils at Occupy Wall Street. Don’t dare go down there into their pit of sins, public defecations, fornications, and marxist ideologies. That’s work of the beast and the end times are here. You know who the antichrist is. You know it deep down.

Don’t despair. You can survive god’s wrath by investing in gold. Precious, sweet gold – it’s never been worth nothing!

Have faith. There is still hope. We can prevail. As long as you do you your part to drive Socialism out of our government and help Corporations Succeed, you will be forever rich in christ.

The debate exploded forth. Michele Bachmann made a comment about America’s problem with magnets. Illegal immigrant magnets. This was an attempt at viral marketing. Her PR team knew that magnets are an internet meme among Juggalos.

The Juggalos are not happy about Michele Bachmann trying to force their meme. Also /b/, being composed of 92% juggalos, is also pissed (lmao newfags).

…But where does Anonymous come into this all?

This is the best part…Nowhere! That’s the secret: No one gives a fuck about Anonymous anymore! They’re like the hippies and the punks – past their prime. The next generation of teenagers will have to found a completely new technofetishistic subculture based on even more deeply conflicted nihilism.

You know that they say “We are Legion,” right? That’s the devil. Anonymous openly claims to be the devil. Just another sign of the times. The end-times.

Hey, has someone been saying bad things about you in online reviews? Reputation.com will help you. We’ll spread whatever lies are necessary to every corner of the internet. We’ll spam that motherfucker that ratted on you into oblivion. Times are tough, and you cannot let the internet bring your business down. Reputation.com.

Occupy Roanoke: John Edwards chased away by own sense of shame

With original reporting by Kilgore Trout of the chronicle.su

Some believe Edwards is capable of lying even while not speaking, through photographs.

Roanoke, Va.– Occupy Roanoke turned hilarious Saturday when career politician John Edwards (Criminal) attempted to subdue a crowd of hundreds with the soothing sounds of meaningless rhetoric and campaign promises.

Edwards was promptly chased away by an angry crowd who demanded from him explanations on his dubious voting record of transparency, neoliberalism and human decency. Lacking decency, the North Carolina Senator retreated back into the shadows so everyone could enjoy their day.

Decency is one of many criminal cases brought against the old money presidential candidate, who left his wife on her deathbed for another woman. [Editor’s note: Edwards later told reporters he knew his decision would send a strong message to constituents that he is willing to give “whatever excuse” for anything shitty he may inevitably do.]

The Roanoke occupation continued as planned, Trout said, and will reside under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiary, Chronicle.SU “until it gets boring.”

Corporate commenters hassle Occupy Roanoke

On Sunday, over 200 people showed up at a local church to help organize Occupy Roanoke. The occupation, planned for this Saturday, has become a contentious issue in the Roanoke Valley. So much so that a related article published on WDBJ7  received over 40 comments in just a few days. One particular commenter, cxxi121, appears to be serving as a corporate shill, full of right wing talking points.

4chan copypasta? No, this is corporate trolling at its finest.

Cxxi121 has written hundreds of glowing five-star reviews on Amazon.com for everything from shower curtains to children’s markers. While there is no way to confirm that this user is under the pay of big business, these types of comments form a recognizable pattern. Such fake reviews are a well-documented phenomenon. “As online retailers increasingly depend on reviews as a sales tool, an industry of fibbers and promoters has sprung up to buy and sell raves for a pittance,” says the New York Times. And cxxi121, of Roanoke, Virginia appears to be a paid liar for corporate America.

Our corporate commenter waxes nostalgic about super glue. Perhaps he enjoys the scent a little over much?

And why should this person shy away from money for comments of a political nature? With such a long record of apparently paid-for commenting, it is no stretch to imagine that this Roanoker is also being paid to criticize this grassroots political movement. The talking points, such as class warfare (capitalized for emphasis) and anarchy, are obviously pulled straight from right-wing propaganda. In reality, Occupy Roanoke is incredibly far from the image portrayed by cxxi121. The group represents the demographics of the Roanoke Valley almost perfectly, containing a mixture of young, middle aged, and retired persons from all walks of life. Business owners and the unemployed alike will join on Saturday, and the lies of cxxi121 will hopefully have little, if any, impact.

Tea Party fanatic opens fire on the 99%

Monday, a Tea Party member distinguished himself as a true fanatic for America by opening fire on a crowd of the ‘99%’ protesters. In a crazed rant posted on youtube, the man referred to the massacre as his “Power Point presentation.” Police report 1 dead and 12 injured. Taresha Mcgavinsworth, a 67 year old survivor, claimed the gunman calmly invoked the second amendment before opening fire. The killer is in critical condition after he suffered 29 bullet wounds from the large group of police already on the scene. The police stated that the suspect was wearing full body armor and appeared to have military training.

Violent signs from Occupy DC

Critics of the 99% have complained that the Occupy Wall Street protests are becoming too violent. According to some, the 99% are all a part of Obama’s plan to institute Marxism. Anti-job groups, known as unions, joined forces with Occupy Wall Street last week, driving the numbers into the tens of thousands.

Daryn Moran, a disgruntled Air Force Staff sergeant, left the military so he could stand up against Barack Obama’s illegal presidency. He was “in the army before the gays were”, and has threatened to “arrest the president for his crime of a forgery, which is proven fact…What we need is a confrontation.”

Finally, Daryn Moran’s confrontation has arrived. Tea Party members have found a reason for all the guns. The ‘99%’ traitors are fair game for true patriots who know the dangers of the unchristian, anti-American, unconstitutional, and suicidal policy of Communism. The illegal president is leading the people into a violent Bolshevik revolution! His anti-Israel stance is solid proof that he is the Anti-Christ, arisen to destroy the world.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Jesus was a Capitalist

Have you accepted the IMF as your personal lord and savior? When will you make the personal choice to accept the World Bank into your heart?

It is a little known fact that the Bible is an anti-socialist document. In fact, Jesus hated socialism!

Let’s say a prayer:

I, Joe Six Pack, pledge allegiance to the United States of America. In doing so, I equate the value of the dollar with my own salvation. Until the dollar is as strong – or weak – as my corporate masters deem suitable, I will not rest. O International Monetary Fund! Hath we never done no ill will toward you, yea, we seek austerity measures in your honor. We hath sacrificed health care in your honor. We hath compromised human rights, dignity and overall health in your name. Lo, how better can we serve you than to carpet your fine mahogany offices with the very skin of your most devout followers, so that each day you may trample upon our faces and we may taste with our own tongues your unending contempt for the consumers that built you. In Strauss-Kahn’s name, amen.

Amen.

Leave comments below confessing your own Christlike love for Capitalism.

Chronicle.SU’s out doing valuable research to bring you the finest in truthful, sensational journalism.
Stand by.

This message is brought to you religiously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

The Jester infected the Predator Drones

Everyone knows the easiest way to win an online argument is to link to an article on Wikipedia. Someone upset you? Just link to a general topic that is vaguely related to the topic being debated! No one needs context because a link stands on its own.

Also standing on its own is the pretentious cunt who just hyperlinked you to some fucking cryptanalysis article. He is the pinnacle of insight, as proven by this.

Corporate Raiders – big business capitalists who target pensions. What differentiates that with criminal behavior? just because it’s done through legal avenues?

I found this little grove in the middle of town. Danzig was playing and the men were being shot down. Yeah, I found this flower bed in the middle of town. This good hiding spot. It was incredible.

I could hear the drum pounding, reverberating off of the thin cardboard walls in the cinderblock garage. The Chase candle unleashed a stringent, poisonous fume that filled the garage with intoxicating fumes. Smiling faces promoted communism, stolen with permission from Kroger.

How horrible would it be to fight in a place where you’d need a gas mask? Chemicals and nuclear fallout, sure to infect you with traces of death. Fighting at Kroger.

That’s why th3j35t3r has infected Predator drones. He has been using them to DDoS the Chronicle. He’s a hell of a patriot. He has nothing to hide.

Wall Street Protester Raped by Domino's

That’s why th3j35t3r day by day creates fake Jihad websites just to pretend like he attacked them. He is the best thing An Army of One could insert into a civilian hot zone. His Twitter feed is like a staged episode of Cops – airing every moment, at some time, just to prove a cop can fuck with you any time they want.

There is no hope in tomorrow. No hope in the next day. Pray for nuclear war. According to a polled majority at OKCupid, “it would at least be interesting.”

At least it would be interesting, unlike any article we’ve run in the past five weeks.

The Chronicle.SU sucks and is completely irrelevant. Who writes this shit? It is fucking pointless. Are you guys Communists? Do you even know what that hammer and sickle means?

Instead of attacking you guys, the Jester could be attacking terrorist with predator drones but you fucks [emphasis added] are destroying our vision.

Reading the Chronicle.SU is like taking a shit and then finding blood in your poop and wiping a hemorrhoid encrusted asshole, and just as rewarding. Seriously, this is the worst site in the history of the Internet. Kill yourselves now. Just, go to hell and die, because you’re the last thing left in this world preventing Heaven on Earth. That’s right, Chronicle.ESS YEW is the Red Communist Devil in the asshole of the Internet.

Investigative Analysis: The Presstorm Debacle

Drag racing is dangerous. Running from the cops is even more dangerous.

In 2003, Jamie Jo Lambertz-Brinkman wrecked her white Honda into a police cruiser in a drag race gone wrong [1]. She served time for check fraud and hit-and-run before escaping from prison in August of 2004 [2]. One month later, Brinkman and her butch partner were caught in Illinois. This offense carried a mandatory sentence of seven years [3].

Ever the freedom fighter, Ms. Brinkman later sued the South Dakota Department of Corrections for denying her Haldol, a prescription she had taken for “bipolar disorder, mood disorder, anti-social disorder and personality disorder” [4].

Ms. Brinkman explained on Red List Radio, “When I was 13, I was being abused and I started running away from home.” At the age of 14, she was sent to a boot camp where she claims she was also abused. She claims to have purposefully stayed at the boot camp for nearly five years in order to avoid abuse at home [5].

At the age of 30, Ms. Brinkman has spent over one third of her life institutionalized in correctional facilities. She has committed fraud, escaped prison and recklessly endangered the lives of innocent people who just wanted to go for a drive.

The cat that caught the canary?

In 2011, Ms. Brinkman founded Presstorm.com, a blog devoted to what she called “investigative journalism.” She became a fixture within Anonymous, associating with hackers and attempting to influence their behavior through opinion pieces disguised as journalism. Inevitably, her schemes were laid bare by her own mistakes.

Presstorm came under repeated DDoS attacks after Ms. Brinkman posted a story which was critical of Occupy Wall Street. Former Presstorm supporters and writers did not offer her any support, instead laughing at her folly[6].

Ms. Brinkman has responded to the attacks by threatening to reveal the identities of those who donated to Presstorm and other contacts she made within Anonymous. She has also stated that the intentions of Presstorm were disingenuous and part of a psychological experiment which went exactly as she expected. Perhaps she has not been taking her Haldol.

Despite her illustrious past, Ms. Brinkman has attempted to chastise Anonymous for breaking the law. ” It wasn’t hard to know that what these children (or so it seemed were children!) were doing more harm to society than they were good. Like any juvenile delinquent, we felt that a little exposure would certainly shut them down.” She adds, taking the moral high ground, “We sincerely hope that we accomplished multiple levels of soul seeking, critical thought, and moral objection to one’s own behavior in the process” [7].

The Presstorm Debacle has served as an important lesson for Anonymous. Intentionally manipulative criminals are drawn to power and influence. Jamie Jo Lambertz-Brinkman created a cult of influence by playing on the high emotions in the wake of the WikiLeaks scandal and pathologically exercised what little power she gained. Like her Honda, Ms. Brinkman took Presstorm for a joyride that could only end in one way.

Vote Namefag Party in 2012

Hello, I’m Kilgoar, founding member of the Namefag Party. I want you to vote for me in the upcoming presidential election because I’m the greatest namefag Anonymous has ever seen. A namefag is generally a pejorative term describing someone who uses a name in an attempt to gain recognition from the Anonymous collective. Famous namefags include Barrett Brown, Jamie Jo Corne and th3j35t3r. I have spent the last year griefing namefags in an attempt to spread the gospel of the true Anonymous Legion.

Fighting namefags has ironically required my further descent into namefaggotry. The Namefag Party is at the same time vehemently opposed to namefaggotry and willing to engage in limited namefagging. Of course, it would be impossible to run for president without namefaggotry, so I have titled the Namefag Party to reflect my own disdain for what I am doing.

A vote for me is a vote proudly wasted. I’m not even old enough to be president. However – and I cannot stress this enough – a vote for anyone else is a vote for the bad kind of namefag. Use your vote to send a message to all the evil namefags in government. The Namefag Party is coming for them in 2012.