Kim Jong-il dead at 69

Kim Jong-il fuckin' pimp
Kim Jong-il died heroically at 69.

Pyongyang–The most powerful person on Earth, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has entered the next phase of consciousness Monday, where he rules the heavens with unforgiving, merciless love. The North Korean leader died of a heart attack.

Kim Jong-il, who recently guest starred in a reality TV show wherein participants traded places with their higher-ups, died of a heart attack during his morning transit to the dogmeat factory. While forced to ride on a train without breakfast to his seventh twelve hour shift of the week, the Dear Leader’s heart stopped before reaching his destination.

Jong-il’s death went unnoticed for at least forty five minutes until totalitarian overlords sent out a search party and bloodhounds to retrieve him for work duty. The dogs reportedly tore his carcasses to pieces and ate most of the remains.

Details are, as yet, unconfirmed because international calls are still forbidden, punishable by death, and must remain within the boundaries of Stalin’s last playground – North Korea, where all people are all the same in the eyes of the Great Successor and peacefully suffer never-ending hell marches in perfect equality.

“Unlike our enemy neighbors,” said state spokesperson Min Il-Suk, “North Korea enjoys a prosperous human cloning program. Which is why we are pleased to announce Kim Jong-un! HAIL THE GLORIOUS NEW LEADER!

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, North Korea suffered heavily until Kim Jong-il bravely horded all the money in the country and used it to suppress both hunger and uprisings.

Ingrates
We straight brah. Enjoy your banquet, Dear Leader.

The United States has nearly 30,000 troops in South Korea, ready to raid the North, where it is feared Kim Jong-un could likely empty the nation’s coffers into its people, wasting valuable war funds on food or medical supplies for the unseen poor dying in gutters and alleys.

Analysts monitor the situation closely to be sure North Korea doesn’t “try any shit.” There is little to no mention in the weak-hearted mainstream American media of Monday’s short range missile test, whose effects could soon be felt.

CabinCr3w’s TOO HOT FOR PLAYBOY LEAK!

This is just a small sampling of CabinCr3w’s awesome Playboy leak, hand picked by furiously masturbating crowdsourcing technologies.

AUDREY HEPBURN NUDES!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOO HOT FOR PLAYBOY!
FORMER CHILD STAR
CELINE DION TAKES ANAL POUNDING
CELINE DION'S LEAKED PLAYBOY ANAL GAPE
Leaked Playboy photo 1
Leaked Playboy photo 2

Occupy Wall Street GASSED in Times Square

POLICE ENFORCE MARTIAL LAW

POLICE IN TIMES SQUARE HAVE GASSED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE 99%

New York–Occupy Wall Street protesters were gassed today by police officers who were covering their badges with duct tape. After being herded into a paddywagon, tear gas cannisters were deployed on innocent protesters who were completely peaceful and in fact already restrained.

Video equipment was destroyed and phones were confiscated by riot police, who also deployed an LRAD sonic crowd control device to control the peaceful protest with rays of concentrated pain.

Peace officers removed sim cards from confiscated mobile devices and stamped them into pieces before protesters before throwing the phones away, presumably in an attempt to destroy evidence of wrongdoing.

New York City is on the brink of martial law, and hundreds of FEMA vehicles were spotted crossing the Brooklyn Bridge earlier today.

Unconfirmed reports surfaced of Black Hawk helicopters being spotted in the skies over Times Square and around Manhattan.

Area residents are reportedly “grateful” for police efforts to bring down the noise level in surrounding areas.

“They just wouldn’t quit with those drums,” complained Marcy Hennegan, 43, a high-rise resident around Zucotti Park.

Protesters were heard screaming out “Why?” while onlookers chanted “Shame! Shame! Shame!” over the sounds of orange gas lines hissing, fed into the open slots of various police vans in the area.

HOW LIES ARE SPREAD

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/interactive/2011/dec/07/london-riots-twitter?CMP=twt_gu

IF YOU READ THIS YOU WILL LEARN HOW LIES ARE SPREAD, SUCH AS THOSE AROUND THE DEATH OF MICHAEL JACKSON AND A SIMILAR RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT AKON IS STILL ALIVE.

SORRY, FOLKS BUT THE AFRICAN PRINCE IS DEAD. TIME TO LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE TO A NEW CULTURAL ICON.

SHOENICE22
AWESOME
YOU’LL NEVER TASTE THE FREEDOM THIS MAN TASTES. IT TASTES LIKE A CHINESE LANDFILL BUT IT REEKS OF SUCCESS. STACKS OF HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS CONTINUOUSLY POUR INTO Lebal Drocer headquarter TO FINANCE OUR WIVES’ JEWELRY HABITS AND EXCESS.

SON OF A COCKSUCKING WHORE CAN YOU FEEL THE ENERGY OF THE 1$%? FUCK THE RIOTS. FUCK THE PROTESTERS. MACY’S THANKSGIVING 2011 BANQUET BABY 2011

MOICHAEL JACKSON HOAX CLUB INITIATES HUNT FOR LIVING CHILDTOUCH SUPERSTAR

WE’RE THE MICHAEL JACKSON DEAF HOX INVESTIGATERS AND WE GET SHIT DONE

if you have a michael jackson is still alive story waste no time in emailing to us here at the chronicle.su or just post it here or comment it thats quickest for real

we dont give a flip what you write but we can tell if your lying so BE HONEST

At the Chronicle.SovietUnion we care about your piravicay so make every effort to conceal it from us or else we hand it over to the authoritarians in charge of the website. big deal

MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE TOUCHING HEALTHY LIVING CHILDREN

~me

if you feel that michael jackson may have touched you, please reach out to a support group that handles that sort of thing because we do NOT provide therapy and will delete your requests for compassion and humanity. or you could just learn to live with how awesome it is that a pop superstar handled your little boy junk while the gettin was still good.

also we will touch you. i will personally make my way into your home and crawl into bed with you and your siblings and touch it all. every hairless inch.

there is no stopping the michael jackson death hoax instigators and it may come to that. you may find yourself desperately trying to stop us while others around you depend on you to make it stop. try as you might, we will succeed.

WE’RE THE MICHAEL JACKSON DEATH HOAX INGESTIGATORS AND WE MOFO GET SHIT DONE

dont be a tool of the illuminati. they might be watching; but we are videotaping.

New Boxxy video “worst yet”

This Sunday Catie Wayne, known for bubbly youtube videos under the alias of Boxxy, released a minute-long video of her new character 3v3. 3v3 is completely indistinguishable from Boxxy except for the fact that 3v3 has some kind of hideous neon rat’s nest in place of her incredibly beautiful dark hair. To top it off, the video is shot in some fucking public place on a damn smart phone or some bullshit while 3v3 yammers on about how she’s recording with the terrible rap group Little Kinky (who are so suck she has to be sleeping with them). Fans of Boxxy have been decidedly pissed and have widely expressed the sentiment that they are no longer fans of anything Catie Wayne touches.

Here’s the terrible advertisement video for Catie’s upcoming shitpile – the only interesting part being a slight tit bounce around :50.

This drech has got to end, Catie.

Fans have to be asking themselves what the fuck is going through her head. The nose ring, the blue contacts, the squid from Uranus growing out of her hair. Now I don’t want to take away anyone’s right to self-expression but this is just a complete trainwreck, possibly signalling the end of Catie Wayne’s internet career. We just can’t possibly be expected to fap to this.

Sorry Catie, but my marriage proposal is so OVER.

Madison Rising: Astroturf political rock for the right

I heard about Madison rising today on the Glenn Beck radio show, introduced by the woman who reads headlines as if she is not a part of Beck’s program.

Madison Rising’s song, “Honk If You Want Peace,” depicts Occupy Wall Street protesters as “tie dye slobs” and tells the story of a female protester who has been fatally injured by her own misplaced convictions.

A mother’s scream, the father races over
His little girl sprawled helplessly
He lifts her up upon his shoulder
And they run frantically

They’re in the car, it won’t be far
Their angel they can save
But as they turn the corner
She’s destined for the grave

Jeering mobs and tie-dyed slobs
People lying in the street
Whistles, drums and megaphones

This music is for people who really like Nickelback, but really can’t stand anything that doesn’t have a conservative message.

This live performance for Fox News features unbelievably anemic vocals and lyrics that are painfully stupid.

“Amen to the ones on the battlefield

Amen to those who fall

Amen to the [American] women and the children

Gettin caught between it all”

A perfunctory listen will reveal that these lyrics were not written by musicians. In fact, the phrases used by Madison Rising are assembled by a think tank and successful songs are then constructed from these phrases by a focus group of middle aged white men. Then, the lyrics are set to the music of songs that were not quite good enough for Nickelback.

Callista Gingrich is a fucking alien!

Say hello to your new first lady!

Newt Gingrich knows about history and shit. He’s a historian. Preparations to return America to the way the founding fathers envisaged – allowing only white landowning men to vote – are already underway. Unconstitutional features of modern government such as Medicare, Medicaid, and welfare will be wiped away as blacks are re-enslaved. That’s how the founding fathers wanted things, and we all know God inspired them.

But what we’re not paying attention to now is Callista Gingrich’s fucking insanity. This woman will peck your fucking eyes out and her face is made of plastic because she’s an alien. Newt Gingrich is also an alien, as we all learned in Men in Black.

Its the MIBs – unh. They won’t let you remember.

But no one cares that these fuckers are aliens, because they’re too focused on who is more of a conservative. It just dawned on me, Occupy Wall Street is today’s Boston Tea Party, but in an Orwellian twist the modern Tea Party is actually a bunch of regressive aliens. Think about it, dumping corporate swill into the Ocean in protest of the abuse of power and hatred of the British King. Basically that’s how I feel about that.

Anyway, back to the aliens. Will Smith doesn’t have to cuss to sell records and that’s what makes him great. It’s guys like him that the aliens, following the example of our founding fathers, will be kind to. He will be a house slave, spared the pain of the cotton field.

The delusions of Anonymous and Occupy Wall Street

The Occupy movement has successfully shifted the public’s attention to the corrupt influence of corporations over American government. At the same time, it has pushed the limits of free speech about as far as local governments will allow. In many cases the protesters have forced confrontations with police, highlighting every egregious use of force with the aid of youtube in a way that is both profoundly important and at the same time incredibly annoying. Each arrest is met with jeers from protesters who apparently don’t understand that being arrested is a part of civil disobedience. It seems they do not believe that their symbolic encampments are, while inspiring, almost always illegal. This kind of thinking is completely removed from reality, but that can apparently be fixed by using the incredibly creepy human microphone to repeat passages from the constitution as each protester is arrested.

A similar kind of activist dissonance is even more egregious and disturbing within the Anonymous subculture, which claims responsibility for organizing the Occupations and the Arab spring. In response to the financial blockade of WikiLeaks, a sickening product of extralegal pressure from government, Anonymous successfully perpetrated a string of high profile denial of service attacks. The comparison between denial of service and the sit-ins of the civil rights era has been made repeatedly by Anonymous and its supporters, but no comparison could be more nauseating. In the bizarre world of AnonOps IRC, the arena where these attacks were coordinated, a pervasive and infectious paranoia was evident in the constant discussions on how to best remain anonymous and completely unaccountable for the “cyberactivism” that was taking place. Not only did these “activists” take every precaution possible to avoid identification, but the laws which were broken are actually in place to ensure the freedom of speech and integrity of the internet. Anonymous may have worked for a noble cause, but the means were more akin to those of the masked Klu Klux Klan than those of civil rights activists. Thankfully, AnonOps no longer coordinates denial of service attacks.

It is worth noting that most Anons are probably not supporters of this kind of wholly destructive action. Anons are generally just young people, enjoying internet culture and not participating in much more than internet memes and occasional trolling raids. As in previous countercultures like the Punks and Hippies, what truly defines Anonymous is opposition to all that is sanitized and corporate and not the actions of whatever small group gains the most notoriety. That’s pretty much true of the Occupiers as well. Both these movements have self-organized, and as each is set in direct opposition to corporations, both naturally mimic corporate structure. It is helpful to think of groups of Occupiers or Anons as franchises acting independently of one another and beholden only to the three ring binder of cultural norms, which if broken will result in revocation of franchise status. This is a rare event, but Presstorm was an ideal example. Presstorm was a group of mostly Anon supporters acting as a media outlet covering issues mostly of interest to Anons. The editor-in-chief published a long editorial sharply criticizing Occupy Wall Street and over night Presstorm was disenfranchised, disavowed, and under denial of service attacks.

Although there does appear to be an informal kind of accountability for extreme cases like Presstorm, this is really where the franchise analogy breaks down. There are no headquarters for Anonymous or Occupy and no central organization to keep out the insane and destructive. In lieu of any unifying authority holding these movements in line and on message, there’s a few powerful labels that are used liberally to fix any inconsistencies. Should someone make outrageous comments, vandalize, or engage in any other deviant behavior, he or she is immediately deemed an infiltrator and associated with whatever enemy is most convenient. While it’s true that agent provocateurs have been used and are still used to discredit popular movements, the hysterical overuse of this point by Occupiers is laughable. With regards to AnonOps IRC and its media front end, AnonNews, one particular publication understood this mechanism and hit the nail on the head.

As it stands, both Anonymous and Occupy have won over supporters, gained media attention, and forced discussion of their issues upon the general public. Both have been fraught with negative press because of the not-so-peaceful nature of their confrontation with authorities, while at the same time highlighting a few major issues of public interest. Non-lethal violence against Occupy protesters is often shocking, as exemplified by the UC Davis pepper spray incident, Scott Olsen, and Tony Bologna. As for Anonymous, sometimes the bad boy hackers actually root out important facts. Private security contractors are using social media to manipulate people in conflict zones, as revealed by the Anonymous attack on HBGary. No one would know about it if it wasn’t for Anonymous. But are these things going to actually make a change for the better? Realistically, both of these movements are playing a zero sum game or worse, winning a few small victories at great expense to their cause.

Anonymous and Occupy aren’t situated on terra firma. In their dogma, the ultimate goal is to eliminate corporate and government structures in society and replace them with the same decentralized organization in which they are situated. In this utopian vision, perhaps legitimate authority will only take the shape of denial of service attacks and infiltrator witch hunts. This particular brand of magical thinking, in which the ongoing peaceful “revolution” will overthrow all existing power structures, is probably a symptom of the young and idealistic who are not yet willing to bend to reality.

The tragedy is that revolution, and not reform, is all that Occupy and Anonymous will accept. Running politicians (But not Michael Moore?) out of the encampments is a fun sport for the Occupiers, and harassing politicians and businessmen with crank phone calls is former Anonymous spokesperson Barrett Brown’s favorite hobby. I don’t think either movement is going to accept the cold reality that reform is the best thing they can hope for. Symbolic tent cities aren’t going to cause a revolution. Denial of service and harassment is worse. The people who want change need to work in a positive way with those in power, but the powerful who have tried to reach out to Occupiers have received only vitriol and hate. Anonymous and the Occupiers have fantasies of a better world, but the scumfucking Tea Party’s plans are already in motion.

Michael Jackson lives on, struggling against the Illuminati

“When the news said Michael died I instantly wanted to figure out what happened, because instinctively I thought of the Illuminati first.”

Strong evidence unearthed by death hoax investigators at Michael Jackson Hoax Forum suggests that Michael Jackson is actually alive, using his faked death as a way to continue his struggle against the Illuminati. Some skeptics have suggested that Jackson is actually dead at the hands of his worst enemies. “Michael Jackson really pissed of the Illuminati so they killed him… and are now creating all these fake clues so that Michael Jackson fans believe he is alive and hence do not seek justice for him being murdered.”

Michael Jackson has possibly been dropping clues to his fans on the official Michael Jackson Community Forum Web Site under the username ‘back since 2005. Some skeptics have argued that ‘back’ is actually not Michael Jackson himself, but possibly someone who is “in the know.” However, Jackson definitely appeared on Larry King Live, shortly after his death, disguised as burn victim Dave Dave.

“Hoaxers,” as believers of the Michael Jackson death hoax like to be called,  are often threatened and misled by a shadowy force that is most likely the Illuminati. There is wide consensus that Jackson has extensively used at least three body doubles in order to throw off the New World Order.

What Hoaxers need to come to grips with is that the Illuminati has the means, motives, and methods available to completely control Michael Jackson. 2012 is sure to be a remarkable year, and some Hoaxers believe that Jackson will return as a messianic figurehead for the Illuminati’s new religion, setting the stage for the New World Order.

All these subtle clues and hints from the Illuminati are all a part of a cruel jest. “The Illuminati like playing games – remember that – that is why the illuminati symbolism appears in every mainstream music video.”