Rehtaeh Parsons’ glorious suicide outshines Amanda Todd

Rehtaeh Parsons is yet another glorious heroic suicide tied to the e-Rape phenomenon.
Rehtaeh Parsons is yet another glorious heroic suicide tied to the e-Rape phenomenon.

NOVA SCOTIA — Rehtaeh Parsons, a teen who was a victim of the new e-Rape phenomenon in which bullies share images and video of rape on the internet, joined Amanda Todd and other victims of e-Rape bullying in the pantheon of Glamorous Suicide Teen Queens. A memorial slideshow of pictures harvested from Facebook were featured in a Huffington Post story, which also said,

“Look at a young man you know, maybe a son or nephew or family friend, and imagine him as a rapist. Does that disgust you? Then teach him how not to be one, and talk to all the young people in your life what sexual assault is and how to know when consent has truly happened. Maybe then photos like the ones that haunted Rehtaeh Parsons won’t be spread around school hallways but instead will be reported to police, because they will be recognized for what they really are: evidence of a crime.”

As news agencies around the world feverishly post as many pictures of the young, attractive e-Rape victim as possible, the message which is sent to teenage girls is much more salient than the one intended for the teenage boys, who have been told they are rapists until programmed otherwise by caring, all-controlling parents. If you are an attractive teenage girl and a victim of e-Rape, you will surely find the sympathy you need in suicide, as Giovanna Plowman, Rehtaeh Parsons, and Amanda Todd before you.

Dr. Phil denies paying Jodi Arias’ family for sex

Dr. Phil opposite former sexpot murderslut Jodi Arias
Dr. Phil opposite former sexpot murderslut Jodi Arias

Television therapist and fake doctor, Phil McGraw denied Tuesday real allegations he offered the Arias family money for sex with their daughter in exchange for TV coverage once a verdict is reached.

The despicable television star has committed higher atrocities in the past, such as inviting Bumfights producers onto his show only to throw them off in a public display of power.

Is there no end to media abuse at the hands of “Dr” Phil McGraw? Will the family seek reparations from the television station? Will this balding pariah ever admit to the allegations that he paid for sex he never received? Furthermore, at what point in time is he expected to shed his outer husk to reveal a final, mucus-enveloped form?

All this and more, on chronicle.su.

The “Idea Channel”

INTERNET — The “Idea Channel,” a horrifying YouTube production from PBS which aims to educate and entertain within five lighting-fast minutes, has translated television pedagogy to the internet. Surprise! It’s incredibly bad. The painfully hip mustachio’d host Mike Rugnetta rattles off jargon and drops names in front of a backdrop of trendy old vinyl covers as images of his references flash by so quickly one show in 2012 reportedly triggered a wave of epileptic seizures. This “educational” program, tailored to victims of new media whose attention spans have evaporated, generally glosses over deep topics with a few bad jokes and glib statements. The fact that it seems jammed full of good information makes this insipid programming even more dangerous.

In the episode above, Rugnetta asks the question, “Are Cell Phones Replacing Reality?” Among such intellectual gems as, “Ubiquitous computing is awesome and important,” Rugnetta crosses into dangerous territory by calling French Post-Structuralist Jean Baudrillard a “Grumpy Gus.” After a pitiful thirty-second explanation of Baudrillard’s theory, Rugnetta presses the idea that cell phones might replace reality is “alarmist.” To really fill out his unintentionally ironic performance of precisely what Baudrillard has warned against, Rugnetta coldly delivers the verdict, “Being bored stinks, and also we’re more connected and more knowledgeable.” Thank goodness PBS is paying for the “Idea Channel” and funneling all this great knowledge straight to our cell phone. It would really suck to slog through years of sucky, boring media theory.

Margaret Thatcher, Illuminati leader, dead at 87

Illuminati leader Margaret Thatcher was murdered by the collective will of bitcoin owners.
Illuminati leader Margaret Thatcher was murdered by the collective will of bitcoin owners.

LONDON — Margaret Thatcher, first female Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and high-ranking Illuminati member, succumbed to old age, making one bitcoin gambler and trained assassin, Ronnie Nitro, a millionaire overnight.

So-called death pools invite owners of bitcoins to bid on the time of death for celebrities, incentivizing free agent hit-men with the kind of big money that was once available only from the evil hands of super-rich. While Margaret Thatcher appears to have died peacefully, others believe her death was orchestrated and timed by subversive bitcoin owners fighting to quell Illuminati machinations.

If this is true, then for the first time, bitcoin has given the masses the same kind of money-moving inertia once available only to the super rich, and the proliferation of death pools may very well shatter their iron grip on government and business, clearing the way for young aspiring hip hop stars who are surely being suppressed by the Illuminati in the same way Michael Jackson was repeatedly poisoned, framed, maimed, and eventually murdered for their Satanic purposes.

Project PM: The “open source” digital snitch tank

Project "PM," a well-funded government psy-op
Project “PM,” a well-funded government psy-op

INTERNET — Barrett Brown, who conspired with Hector Monsegur AKA Sabu in snitching out millions of righteous Anonymous virtual sit-in activists, revealed from prison to the despicable tabloid, Vice magazine, that his imprisonment was all an intentional publicity stunt meant to bring attention to fake government-sponsored facebook and Twitter profiles currently spreading virulent propaganda across the world. Why was Brown arrested, and why did he seemingly turn on his shadowy government keepers?

Brown’s Project PM, an open-source digital snitch tank, where the PM literally stands for “Persona Management,” acted like flypaper for subversive elements so Feds could easily monitor their every behavior. Some even go so far as to believe Brown was hired by HB Gary as part of an operation to bring lots of scary press down on shady cabals of super-elite hackers who really don’t exist. His bombastic, orthodox, and arrogant style did much to project a clear image to folks at home that he represented the “hacking collective” Anonymous, and that they should be very afraid of the impending global revolution  cyberwarriors would spearhead within the next five years. Of course, these were the statements of a provocateur, dripping with fish-hooks baiting like-minded people into a totally government-controlled honeypot, the so-called nerve center of Anonymous, Anon Ops.

As it turns out, Jenna Deville, member of a private contractor competing with Brown’s Project PM and ex-Mossad Krav Maga instructor, seduced and then drugged Brown with a powerful weaponized hallucinogen, thrusting him into a delusional state that caused him to temporarily flip his allegiance from the FBI to Anonymous, and in this drugged state, Brown threatened the children of a character from the Matrix movie series. Deville is said to have conspired with Adrian Lamo, and is rumored to also be affiliated with his group, Project Vigilant.

John Thiessen, acting head of Project PM, has warned against so-called apologists for Deville. “She’s a rat, and I’ve always known it. Barrett Brown was a child prodigy, a very intelligent and close friend of mine. These government sock puppets out there are doing it people. They’re lying to you. They get these beautiful women as their profile and then they hook you in, brainwash you.”

Tumblr-centric #Femen Movement “Started By Men”

FEMENCame. Stripped. Conquered.” is the slogan of a social movement which has thousands of young women stripping publicly in defiance of the patriarchy and posting images of their ripe young bodies across sites like Tumblr and Twitter, and which are later re-posted to 4chan and Motherless.com.

A male source close to Femen.info, who wished to remain anonymous because of his position within the protest movement, gratuitously described a male-oriented conspiracy to obtain more “selfies” (images women take of themselves, usually standing in front of a mirror partially or completely naked). He said the movement toward “women flashing their t— on the internet” was a concept “too good to have originated from a woman’s mind,” but was co-opted from the start by men to see how far a woman will go to prove she is not just something for men to look at.

They went full circle and showed us their tits to protest our desire to see their tits.

-Anonymous

During a discussion among male friends, the source asked himself, “What are women willing to be tricked to do that would create an illusion of empowerment and at the same time exploit them for our admittedly devious, and sexual, purposes?” Turns out, he said, women are willing to do more than he expected. “They went full circle and showed us their tits to protest our desire to see their tits,” he said. “It took only the slightest hint of suggestion to get these dumb bitches started. It’s like they wanted it. Thank God it’s only the hot ones came out.”

MIT Sociological Correspondent Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedauer said he first noticed a step in the wrong direction when the “womyn” of the Femen movement attempted to cross cultural boundaries to tell Muslim women their head scarves are oppressing them.

“Some women are doing exactly what they’re fighting against,” Troubadauer said, “by telling burqa-clad Muslims what they should or should not wear.” The majority of Muslim women, however, are comfortable wearing the burqa because they widely regard proper head wear to be the mark of upstanding lady-hood. “When these women tell the Muslim female population they don’t have to wear the head scarf, their response is, ‘We know. We also don’t have to get naked to prove a point.'”

Muslim response to Femen
You can’t invent irony like this.

FEMEN: The BookCalmann-Lévy has authored a book entitled Femen but because it is written in French – the most pretentious of languages – its contents could not be deciphered.

Columns of text walls unfortunately lead to a black-and-white absence of juicy photographs, therefore Chronicle.su literary critics say the material can be safely ignored.

Staff writer Julius Pontenego suggested searching tumblr for the hashtag #femen “as it is a near-endless resource of wank material” worthy of the progressive, and yet manly, strong minds of our audience.

This image gallery is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Kim Jong-Un cancels nuclear war, reveals he is K-pop star PSY

Kim Jong-Un's real war was waged on our minds.
Kim Jong-Un’s real war was waged on our minds.

PYONGYANG — Thursday evening, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un revealed to pathetic American audiences his secret life as K-pop star PSY, of “Gangnam Style” fame. The “Gangnam Style” YouTube video was viewed more than any video in the history of time, fulfilling the Kim Dynasty’s global dominance and the cultural manifest destiny of Juche Ideology. Both Noam Chomsky and UN chief Ban Ki-moon were swept up in the Kim family’s ingenious culture-jamming plot, which required Jong-Un’s younger brother, Kim Mok-Jong, to stand-in for him at home in North Korea.

By whipping up a global hysteria with heroic nuclear tests and bombastic rhetoric, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un has drawn the greatest amount of attention simply to reveal this impeccable and magnificent prank. Cultural Anthropologist Dr. Ng Tong, who is credited with writing Gangnam Style, said, “The inferior Caucasian and African minds were not able to understand the overt anti-American messages of Gangnam Style, but it nonetheless became the most popular song. We can create hit songs like this at will, and over time we believe it will spell a final global victory for Kim Jong-Un.”

George Carlin shamefully works low-end corporate conference circuit

Dead comedy legend George Carlin has been commissioned to sell data-center solutions at several low-end corporate conferences in the area. Are the rumors true, or is this the work of a dangerous impostor?

He’s like an off-brand Ninja Turtle you just want to punch in the face.
-rsplatpc

Impressionist Joe Beddia stripped all the “bad words” from Carlin’s famous act, “Stuff,” making it ironically more profane – while otherwise plagiarizing it verbatim with the obvious exception of replacing the word “stuff” with “data” in order to sell NetBackup, Backup Exec and Enterprise Vault to the fat white assholes running corporate America. The whole act demands of its audience more than six excruciating minutes of assumed disbelief: “Gosh, doesn’t he just seem like George Carlin!”

Chronicle.su theoretical physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadauer said, “Joe ‘Beddia’ watch the fuck out, because he is treading sacred ground for cheap laughs. Personally, I would like to rape Mr. Beddia, cut off his head, and shit down his neck.” Whoa. Easy there, guy.

Joe Beddia - the godfather of cringe
Beddia has been called “The Godfather of cringe.”

Dr. Troubadauer has called Beddia’s Carlin act “unoriginal and uninspired,” and said the performance “comes off as an offensive mockery” of one of America’s most legendary comedians.

“Not only that,” Troubadauer said, “it is like driving your own personal nail into the man’s coffin if you just take the time to consider the fact that his uncanny likeness is being used to sell fucking data-center solutions to the very same corporations he satirized for belonging to an industry built around fucking the consumer. This man is clearly a danger to himself – as deranged as he is sad.”

What is perhaps most off-putting about the video, Troubadauer said, is Beddia’s impersonation of Carlin’s mannerisms and gestures is so impeccable that he has created an unfortunate uncanny valley – a shroud of realism that makes Beddia’s performance all the more disturbing where it lacks all the coherence, rhythm – and most importantly – humor of an authentic George Carlin performance.

Seriously, what an unfunny piece of shit.

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How a new machine could collapse the bitcoin market

Bitcoins may soon be worth next to nothing at all.
Bitcoins may soon be worth next to nothing at all.

INTERNET — New hardware designed by Butterfly Labs promises to mine bitcoins more cheaply than ever before. If you aren’t familiar with bitcoins, they are a digital currency deriving their rarity and value through advanced cryptographic algorithms. Only so many bitcoins can be “found,” and they first wind up in the hands of those with enough computing cycles to slog through the complicated math.

In the past, the price of electricity did not make bitcoin mining a profitable endeavor, but engineers at Butterfly Labs have built a line of machines specifically designed to mine more bitcoins than ever before while using a minimal amount of electricity. Thousands of these mining machines have been pre-ordered and will soon ship to eager consumers hungry to make a quick buck.

Recently, the bitcoin market has been hit with severe hyper-deflation, and this rapid increase in bitcoin value could cause trading on the market to freeze up. In the past month, the price of a bitcoin has skyrocketed from $40 to nearly $100. Analysts concerned about new mining technology warn that this bubble may soon burst.