Internet Chronicle to host Fred Phelps homosexual fantasy fiction contest

Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.
Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.

WESTBORO BAPTIST — A pornographic image depicting Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for picketing the funerals of soldiers with incendiary anti-gay rhetoric, has drawn massive media attention due to its homosexual nature.

The Internet Chronicle has decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by hosting a Fred Phelps gay fan fiction writing contest. We encourage all readers to mail lascivious stories of any length featuring Fred Phelps to [email protected]. The winner of the contest will have their story published and receive a magnificent, but undisclosed, prize*.

Rules are as follows:

  1. No sex act is off the table, and in fact, the more depraved the story the more points.
  2. Real stories of actual incidents of Fred Phelps’ flagrant homosexuality earn more points.
  3. Make sure the subject line of your e-mail reads “FRED PHELPS CONTEST,” and don’t include anything but the story. We don’t care about your comments. Just send the story.
  4. We must be able to masturbate to your story, or it will earn no points.
  5. God hates Fred Phelps because he is a faggot.

* All “prizes” are subject to confiscation and may include surveillance devices to ensure proper use

Ivan Stang Dead at 59

Ivan Stang does his best impression of a religious fanatic.
Ivan Stang will be remembered for his convincing impression of a religious fanatic.

Cleveland Heights, OH — Fans mourn the loss of Doug Smith, also known as Reverend Ivan Stang, who died Friday from a brain-eating amoeba believed to have infected him during the filming of what he called “Animalcule Porn.” Famous for popularizing “J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs,” a character stolen from the satirical novel J R, by William Gaddis, Reverend Stang also co-founded the Church of the SubGenius, which is based entirely on the teachings of ‘Bob’.

Last year, Reverend Stang claimed to have resigned from his post as “Living Prophet” at the Church of the SubGenius. Although this claim was quite obviously false, and in fact written by a collaborator known as “Dr. Legume,” the gullible science fiction writer and scare-mongering Cory Doctorow nonetheless took to the SubGenius-controlled media outlet BoingBoing and lamented the retirement of Reverend Stang. This hoax was intended as an affront to an executive at the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle, who had recently embarrassed and shamed Reverend Stang and his gaggle of blabber-mouth sycophants with a magnificent hoax of his own. It is worth noting, however, that the message of renunciation embedded within both hoaxes seems to have had a synergistic effect which contributed to their action as primary determinates in the unprecedented resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, who secretly forswore Catholicism in favor of a conservative interpretation of the Annals of Inglip.

As expected, Reverend Stang’s death has been covered up by his dissembling flock of pseudo-heresiarchs, a fact which is corroborated by secret fiscal information leaked by sources in Anonymous. These documents show the entirety of the church’s meager funds are now spent on a body double who poorly impersonates the late Reverend Stang. “None of them pinks can tell the difference,” said Dr. Legume, candidly, “And if they can, we don’t want ’em anyway.”

Rodong Sinmun

No Nuclear Umbrella

Dear Leader

PYONGYANG– The U.S., noisily advertising about its commitment to provision of nuclear umbrella, is stuffing its latest nuclear war equipment into south Korea.

Unaware of what a miserable fate is befalling on them, the south Korean puppets are running headlong into an adventure of attacking the DPRK on a nuke war chariot of the U.S.

Backed by outside forces, they are hell-bent on igniting a nuclear war against the DPRK.

Some time ago, the U.S. suddenly activated its nuclear strategic bomber B-2A to make a sortie to the air of the Korean Peninsula from the U.S. mainland to commit drills of striking a ground target and transferred stealth fighters F-22 Raptors to south Korea from the U.S. air force base at Kadena, Okinawa.

Prior to it, formation of the U.S. nuclear strategic bomber B-52 repeatedly flew to south Korea to stage DPRK-targeted actual nuclear strike drills and its nuclear-powered submarine Cheyenne that had carried out the task of preemptive attack in the 2003 Iraqi war staged joint sea drills with the south Korean puppets.

Of late, the U.S. dispatched interceptor missile-loaded Aegis destroyers John S. McCain, Decatur and the mobile sea radar for detection of ballistic missiles “SBX-1” to the waters around the Korean Peninsula, driving the situation close to a threshold of war.

In a din to provoke a nuclear war against the DPRK, the warmongers converted south Korea into an unprecedented showplace of the U.S. nuclear arms.

It is not a mere saber-rattling, but a prelude to war.

It is utterly silly for the south Korean puppets to want to evade from a shower of our nuclear strike under the nuclear umbrella of their U.S. master.

Now, the U.S. cannot afford to take care of its stooges.

The U.S. has so far swaggered that its existing missile defense system is strong enough to counter the missile threat from north Korea.

But, recently the U.S. gave up even a plan to deploy its MD system in Europe and additionally established its interceptor missile system to defend the mainland.

The south Korean puppets also know its reason well probably.

All has changed today.

Our nuclear deterrent has been boosted up in both quality and quantity. The character of confrontation between the DPRK and the U.S. changed fundamentally.

Of late, U.S. military experts sneered at the remarks of the U.S. Defense Secretary that the U.S. army can undoubtedly protect the U.S. and south Korea from the North’s nuclear threat. They warned that in case the DPRK applies a more singular method, the counter of the U.S. and south Korea would become more miserable and the moment when the North decides to strike, the U.S. would spend very appalling hours.

They made really meaningful comments.

DPRK’s nuclear shower will break the U.S. nuclear umbrella so mercilessly that the warmongers cannot even repent of anything.

Rehtaeh Parsons’ glorious suicide outshines Amanda Todd

Rehtaeh Parsons is yet another glorious heroic suicide tied to the e-Rape phenomenon.
Rehtaeh Parsons is yet another glorious heroic suicide tied to the e-Rape phenomenon.

NOVA SCOTIA — Rehtaeh Parsons, a teen who was a victim of the new e-Rape phenomenon in which bullies share images and video of rape on the internet, joined Amanda Todd and other victims of e-Rape bullying in the pantheon of Glamorous Suicide Teen Queens. A memorial slideshow of pictures harvested from Facebook were featured in a Huffington Post story, which also said,

“Look at a young man you know, maybe a son or nephew or family friend, and imagine him as a rapist. Does that disgust you? Then teach him how not to be one, and talk to all the young people in your life what sexual assault is and how to know when consent has truly happened. Maybe then photos like the ones that haunted Rehtaeh Parsons won’t be spread around school hallways but instead will be reported to police, because they will be recognized for what they really are: evidence of a crime.”

As news agencies around the world feverishly post as many pictures of the young, attractive e-Rape victim as possible, the message which is sent to teenage girls is much more salient than the one intended for the teenage boys, who have been told they are rapists until programmed otherwise by caring, all-controlling parents. If you are an attractive teenage girl and a victim of e-Rape, you will surely find the sympathy you need in suicide, as Giovanna Plowman, Rehtaeh Parsons, and Amanda Todd before you.

Dr. Phil denies paying Jodi Arias’ family for sex

Dr. Phil opposite former sexpot murderslut Jodi Arias
Dr. Phil opposite former sexpot murderslut Jodi Arias

Television therapist and fake doctor, Phil McGraw denied Tuesday real allegations he offered the Arias family money for sex with their daughter in exchange for TV coverage once a verdict is reached.

The despicable television star has committed higher atrocities in the past, such as inviting Bumfights producers onto his show only to throw them off in a public display of power.

Is there no end to media abuse at the hands of “Dr” Phil McGraw? Will the family seek reparations from the television station? Will this balding pariah ever admit to the allegations that he paid for sex he never received? Furthermore, at what point in time is he expected to shed his outer husk to reveal a final, mucus-enveloped form?

All this and more, on chronicle.su.

The “Idea Channel”

INTERNET — The “Idea Channel,” a horrifying YouTube production from PBS which aims to educate and entertain within five lighting-fast minutes, has translated television pedagogy to the internet. Surprise! It’s incredibly bad. The painfully hip mustachio’d host Mike Rugnetta rattles off jargon and drops names in front of a backdrop of trendy old vinyl covers as images of his references flash by so quickly one show in 2012 reportedly triggered a wave of epileptic seizures. This “educational” program, tailored to victims of new media whose attention spans have evaporated, generally glosses over deep topics with a few bad jokes and glib statements. The fact that it seems jammed full of good information makes this insipid programming even more dangerous.

In the episode above, Rugnetta asks the question, “Are Cell Phones Replacing Reality?” Among such intellectual gems as, “Ubiquitous computing is awesome and important,” Rugnetta crosses into dangerous territory by calling French Post-Structuralist Jean Baudrillard a “Grumpy Gus.” After a pitiful thirty-second explanation of Baudrillard’s theory, Rugnetta presses the idea that cell phones might replace reality is “alarmist.” To really fill out his unintentionally ironic performance of precisely what Baudrillard has warned against, Rugnetta coldly delivers the verdict, “Being bored stinks, and also we’re more connected and more knowledgeable.” Thank goodness PBS is paying for the “Idea Channel” and funneling all this great knowledge straight to our cell phone. It would really suck to slog through years of sucky, boring media theory.

Margaret Thatcher, Illuminati leader, dead at 87

Illuminati leader Margaret Thatcher was murdered by the collective will of bitcoin owners.
Illuminati leader Margaret Thatcher was murdered by the collective will of bitcoin owners.

LONDON — Margaret Thatcher, first female Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and high-ranking Illuminati member, succumbed to old age, making one bitcoin gambler and trained assassin, Ronnie Nitro, a millionaire overnight.

So-called death pools invite owners of bitcoins to bid on the time of death for celebrities, incentivizing free agent hit-men with the kind of big money that was once available only from the evil hands of super-rich. While Margaret Thatcher appears to have died peacefully, others believe her death was orchestrated and timed by subversive bitcoin owners fighting to quell Illuminati machinations.

If this is true, then for the first time, bitcoin has given the masses the same kind of money-moving inertia once available only to the super rich, and the proliferation of death pools may very well shatter their iron grip on government and business, clearing the way for young aspiring hip hop stars who are surely being suppressed by the Illuminati in the same way Michael Jackson was repeatedly poisoned, framed, maimed, and eventually murdered for their Satanic purposes.