Dr. Troubador unleashes Masculinism Theory

You can be an inhuman monster just like this man -- Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!
You can be an inhuman monster just like this man — Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!

CUTHBERT, GA. — Monday, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proposed a new Theory of Masculinism at the Camelot University Youtube Lecture Marathon. This field of theory, according to Dr. Troubador, is of course fallible and in many ways quotidian, but nonetheless remains in his jargon, “under-inter-theorized,” due to the inherent chauvanistic nature of Patriarchy and homo-repressed heterosexuality pointed out by Queer and Feminist theorists. Dr. Troubador told reporters, “They’d call us all faggots, misandrists, and privileged white people just for theorizing in this direction, but by God I’m a Heterosexual White Man and I’m tired of being represented by ‘Red Pill’ Monarchists from Date Rape Hell dressing their regurgitated internalized ideologies up as radical philosophy. Plus I’d be on the Queer, Colonialist, Feminist, etc teams if I wasn’t a damned white male. Best thing I can do is learn from ’em and try to think of what their lessons mean to be me, a privileged white man.”

Dr. Troubador slammed his fist on the podium with tremendous hate, “By God there are some sick fucks in the world that I’d love to crush and who deserve the eternal hate of God in hell, but I’m only deranged. A man must look at the world as a war, and it is Hell. Competition is first a madness and second a sacred duty. But this is only the default setting not informed by advances in many fields of Theory. That’s why I’m writing a religious text, using these advances as technology. Our project incorporates a rich inter-theoretical syncretic landscape, fractal mathematics, and persona management propaganda techniques in order to design a religion which will sweep the world in at least one century, hopefully transmitting much of the lessons learned from Theory into the collective conscious and unconscious of the masses. The hate stream of reformation and the more efficient repression of lower animal urges which results will flow into every corner and every government on Earth, and then into the stars. This is the tool through which a civilization becomes a Type I on the Kardashev scale, and building a motherfucking Empire is the space for a White Man like me to set up shop. There’s no doubt they never thought this could happen, or they’d never have said a word!”

Critics of Dr. Troubador, including many he has cited in recent papers, gathered in an ad hoc militia and surrounded his walled compound just hours ago. Local police refused to intervene in the dramatic standoff, classifying the confrontation as a battleground in time of war. The nearby military base in Alansville responded, dispatching at least five Apache assault choppers which were spotted circling Dr. Troubador’s compound, ready to unleash hell on both protesters and Dr. Troubador at the drop of a dime. Let us pray for the eternal salvation of man and that these monsters are completely incinereated in the purified computer guided hate of hellfire missiles.

Westboro Baptist Reverses Anti-Gay Stance

Westboro Baptist Released a Loving Message Sunday
Westboro Baptist Released a Loving Message Sunday

WESTBORO — Fred Phelps, pastor and founder of the Westboro Baptist Church known for anti-gay protests announced he’d be giving up homophobia Sunday evening. In a press conference held in Westboro’s sanctuary, Phelps, clad in his iconic cowboy hat, told reporters, “I was struck by a blinding light, and I cowered like a sinful, godless sodomite. But God struck me down in His might, and I covered my face in ashes.”

Pastor Phelps recounted a new vision for the church which was revealed in this instant by God, “America is no longer doomed. Westboro will storm every soldier’s funeral with rainbow signs of heaven’s love. His bright crown adorning, They shall shine in their beauty. Westboro hath saved each and every American despite their reckless sin, and Westboro will be waiting at Saint Peter’s gates for each and every soldier, cheering until the last man comes home.”

Lesbian Gay Transgender and Bisexual activists in the crowd wept openly in joy at this announcement. One remarked, “It’s as if I can feel good about being an American and a Christian again, as long as we don’t have another church like this one.”

How “Educated” Blacks Ruined This Country

AMERICA — Faggots in Washington (D.C.) who don’t vote for the Bible are destined for an Eternity in Hell — courtesy of our Lord and Savior, the compassionate Jesus Christ of the United States of A-fuckin-merica.

I say, if you don’t like the Bible, then forget how to read ’cause that’s all reading’s good for. If you don’t believe that, then go to Hell. And if you don’t like this country, then get out.

Because if humans were meant to read, then why weren’t we born with it? Why did we have to “learn” how to do it? Learning is a tool of the Devil, since whatever wasn’t put in the Good Book simply ain’t worth knowing, and that’s all there is to it. Amen.

Praise the Lord.

colored-tvThere ain’t a dignified man on this earth who don’t praise the motherfuckin’ Lord. This country used to be good. This country was once worth something. Now, all it is, is overrun with blacks, Mexicans and the Chinese. No fuckin’ wonder the NSA is spying on us. We aren’t even White anymore.

Now, how the fuck I’m supposed to get a job, Obama, when all our shit’s made in that Communist wasteland Vietnam? Barack Hussein Obama must love them overseas coloreds because that’s where his Daddy’s from, so he gives them all the jobs. Now I don’t want to sound racist or anything, but even with all the chinks building up our railroads, and all the Mexicans digging out my ditches, this country was alright before the blacks.

How in the fuck is it I gotta sit in line at the drive-through and when I get up to that window, a big nigger’s lookin’ out at me, reaching for my debit card? Don’t they already steal enough? We gotta put them in charge of our beef and our tortillas now, too? I mean, if I go to Popeye’s Chicken, who’s gonna be there? You know who, and that’s why I’m not racist.

Give me a break.

The Panid

Computer networking allows billions of long-dead authors and living professionals to collaborate in the world's most perfect epic poem: The Panid
Computer networking allows billions of long-dead authors and living professionals to collaborate in the world’s most perfect epic poem: The Panid

INTERNET — Today the Arch-Primate of the Camelot Online University announced the results of an intensive new study. Hundreds of thousands of competent and accredited colleagues in thousands of diverse fields participated in the study, combing through the entire corpus of written human dialogue at least three times over, looking for accidental descriptions of future events, gems of beauty, or other pieces of interest they felt like upvoting in the purpose-built PanidBook social media web site, a decentralized not-for-profit digital communal space and an often criticized “first-ocracy” investing unwarranted power in the hands of people who were the first in their field to join the website.

The results of the project have been described as astounding, beautiful, and profoundly disturbing. Critics of the study have rightly pointed out that the parameters of the social media itself were determinate to a large extent in the resulting poem and that by no means does this study “prove” that such a thing as foreknowledge exists, a belief which follows the demented exaggerations of the paranoid mainstream news media.

However, according to the Arch-Primate’s reading of the study’s poem and the associated esoteric texts, if knowledge were to be something which in fact existed, then it would only be provable as such through the prediction of future events. But this was not the aim of the project, and critics say it was a narrative selected by forces of a Reddit-style upvoting market driven by the tendencies of the study’s participants and not at all the “truth.” They also suggest that the Arch-Primate has insisted on a method for stitching a story together which matches his vision and the closely aligned vision of the many thousands of subforum moderators.

As is well documented, the study’s original aim was in fact to perform, in The Arch-Primate’s words, a “survey of narrative epistemology establishing a canon of pure truth within the system of epic poetry.” The seven volume Panid is set to hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble next December, as the Panid is an ongoing project which is self-refining and not yet ready, as the Arch-Primate explained,  “It would not be responsible to release it yet for public consumption. Already our colleagues in fractal geography have been able to chart a pattern approximated in the Panid’s construction forming a nearly perfect correlation with known laws of physics, and with a few minor changes we may be able to complete the project and pass it into the hands of theoretical physicists. Using computer modeling, they will be able to write the narrative of the future and perhaps even prehistory, today. It may be the stuff legends are made of.”

A Case For Revolution: The Fourth Amendment Is Not Your Friend

anonymous
We are ruled by a shadow government.

I was talking to this guy tonight who made a case for the NSA. It was no case at all, though – not because he was only 20 years old, an “international relations major” – but because his point was “how does that affect you?”

That’s not a point. That’s a hypothetical question to which my response was, “It doesn’t affect, her, her, him, this guy, or Jeremy [a loser sitting nearby] — but it affects people like me, who want to write without someone looking over his shoulder. And I’m not talking about newsroom-looking-over-the-shoulder but knowing what I read and write is vetted by a bureaucrat in Utah or Quantico who has no concept of what we do here; and shouldn’t.

If you think there is a “good side” to the NSA, then you just aren’t paying attention. You don’t open your eyes. You don’t fucking think. But the NSA is such a thing that if you do think, then you are the enemy. You’re being watched. This country don’t need thinkers, baby. We’re a nation of patriots. A nation of God.

We’re a nation of herd.

The concept of revolution is such that, if we talk about it, then we are complicit in our own demise. “Look how that worked out for the Black Panthers.” The FBI killed Fred Hampton in his sleep, unprovoked. And then they paraded the media through his apartment to show all the bullet holes like, “Check out the firefight. These niggers don’t give up.” Yeah, but all those bullet holes – every single fucking one of them – went one way: into Fred Hampton’s fuckin bedroom, where he and his pregnant wife slept.

The FBI put an informant in with Hampton and the Panthers, because we didn’t yet have something quite so spectacular as the NSA listening in on our cellphone microphones at will and watching us through our own private webcams. Revolution is non-violent. It’s the resistance that’s violent.

Pay attention: The Fourth Amendment ain’t your friend. It is there to trick you into believing that in a perfect world, you aren’t being watched. The Constitution, the agreement into which all Americans are born, was a pro-slavery, pro-capitalist document designed to indoctrinate school children into a belief structure, formulated by James Madison, author of the Federalist Papers which validates subservience to the ownership of the means of production… which were then codified by the economic elites of the late 1700s behind closed doors – where the Constitutional Convention took place.

Pope Calls for Pan-Ecumenical Religious Social Media Event

Pope Francis with his coat of arms and brass ring of power.
Pope Francis with his coat of arms and brass ring of power.

INTERNET — Pope Francis went over the heads of the Cardinals by issuing an Encyclical which will assemble a worldwide Ecumenical council including the highest leaders from every faith.

In his statement, Pope Francis said, “God has chosen Buenos Aires as the grounds for the merging of all faiths. The biblical convention welcomes all in the writing of our global seminal holy text. Will it be a concise set of poetic aphorisms, lengthy genealogy, didactic farming advice, or an epic war poem? No! It will be a major media event Tweeted and E-Mailed to every person on earth as five different Reality shows featuring the hottest monks and nuns in humiliating sexual situations compete to invent the world’s next religion. Everyone will be converted if we just blow the Vatican’s treasury on Persona Management propaganda from our friends at HBGary, and the world will have ten million years of peace.”

Atheist speaker Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador condemned this speech, slamming his fists on the podium, “Ain’t that Pope ever read the bible? What he’s intendin on doin’ is building him a big ol’ Tower of Babel, I tell you what. That’s a religion designed to come a tumblin’ down, but he’s mad with power. Them Marxists slipped one through to United States president and now they done it in Rome, by gum.”