Categories
Entertainment

Pope Francis to star in new A&E reality TV show "Pope Primacy"

Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.

To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).

“He’s a Jesuit,” bloggers say. “They do crazy things like publicly disavowing wealth.”

Catholicism enthusiasts have come forward with original, anonymous, leaked source material to suggest Pope Francis learned to embrace his growing public image.

The "Fresh Pope of Bel-Air" smokes a doobie with adoring fans.
The “Fresh Pope of Bel-Air” smokes a doobie with adoring fans.

“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”

Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”

As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”

Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.

“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”

Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”

Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”

Thou Shalt Not.

Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”

Categories
Society

Area Father Forced to Take His Belt Off

“I warned you I’d do this,” he said.

Richmond, Va. – Area father Mark Bialek, 44, removed his belt Tuesday after asking Tyler, his rambunctious five year old boy, not to touch that candy on the impulse rack of a local Kroger supermarket.

Area Father Forced to Take His Belt OffIgnoring his father’s demands, the child grabbed a fistful of animal crackers and ran full speed into a glass door, went into shock and collapsed in the floor.

Onlooker Stephen Meager compared it to the human equivalent of pigeons flying into library windows. “It was like he didn’t even know glass existed,” commented Meager.

The father, doubly enraged by his child’s insolence and resulting injury, unbuckled his belt and – with a pop of the wrist – had it off and folded over tightly in his right fist. Standing over his lame, quivering child, the father described likely changes the boy could expect in his physical and emotional state once the two found themselves alone, in the near future.

Conditions, Bialek said, are expected to transition rapidly from “a pussy fit” into “a blistered ass,” in the wake of remorseless vengeance for the perceived destruction of his golden years, hinging on his own prior assumptions that he had anymore human potential before he accidentally became a father than his iPhone 3 could already provide on its own.

Through bleary eyes, the beaten child’s mind processed his abuse as an uncharacteristic form of love, and relished the attention.

“That’s called tough love,” said Bialek, on his way out of the store. “The boy’s got to learn.”

Categories
Health новости

Dating Advice: from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow dudes?

I’m here to chill on a problem that has plagued humanity since the dawn of the Internet: Dating.

Now, there are an unlimited number of ways to date, and many cultures have backward traditions different from our own. But this doesn’t mean it has to be impossible! Perhaps some of us young American men have just forgotten how to hunt.

After decades of studying human behavior, I’ve come up with a short list of do’s and dont’s – and some other shit that is sure to land you the kind of submissive sex object you think you desire. That is, of course, before she backstabs you like a bitch whore, which always happens 100% of the time. Am I right, dudes?

When dating, here are seven things you should definitely do:

1. Repeatedly send her friend requests on Facebook. This demonstrates persistence, showing her you are dedicated and ready for a worthwhile mate. Make status updates that passingly reference her and her interests. Mirror her personality in every way that you can. She will appreciate this.

2. Find out where she hangs out, and go there. Be careful not to approach her right away; instead, take the time to study her habits and personality so you can best approach her successfully.

3. Make joking insults about her in the company of others. She will be impressed with your edgy sense of humor.

4. Once you’re “in,” be as cold and emotionally distant as possible. She will grow to crave your emotional warmth more and more, and you can use this as a “power tool” to control her behavior.

5. Keep a clean apartment. If a woman comes over and sees that it is dirty, her feminine instincts will cause her to resent you because she will assume it is her obligation to clean it. Even though it is, you want to wait till she is completely submissive before allowing her the cleaning duties she naturally desires.

6. Constantly be on the lookout for any clues that might suggest insubordination. All women will naturally want to cheat on you and eventually break up with you. Be prepared for this and stamp it out ahead of time, if you can.

7. It is your job to predict the many unseen forces which are at work. As the relationship finally fails, it may dawn on you that it is your fault for lacking knowledge of her indiscretions. It is never too late to go through her email. Install a keylogger on her computer. This will give you valuable insights into her opinion of you and let you know for sure whether or not she is cheating on you yet.

Is your love interest microwaved or prepared fresh on the stove? Try to avoid doing any of the following while on your first hot date, to keep it from getting cold:

Under NO circumstance should you:

1. Reveal that you are human. This is off-putting and violates a woman’s natural boundaries.

2. Freely voice your opinion. If anything you say is objectionable, the lady twirling her martini across the table from you may shut down, or go into hibernation – and you’ll be stuck paying the full bill without a hope in the world of even touching her breasts.

3. Be quiet. But also try not to talk about yourself. Women just don’t give a fuck. If you can’t think of anything else to say, ask about her obsession with cats. Once she starts flapping her gums, you can zone back out again. Picture yourself playing Minecraft while she babbles on about her meaningless life.

4. Reveal your juvenile hobbies, such as comic books or videogames. This is a glaring signal that you are not yet disconnected from your worthless past. This is known to later cause feelings of tension or guilt in the female mind after she recognizes she is not only destroying you as a human being, but your inner child as well.

5. Let on like you are responsible with money. She will assume you’re poor and unable to buy her luxuries. Luxuries are the only thing women really care about in life, other than cats, so before you reveal even a shade of frugality, consider stealing jewelry and clothing from Macy’s.

6. Take “no” for an answer. This is self-explanatory.

7. Get bitter because you are an unlovable, abusive monster. If she can’t accept you for who you are, then she can GET FUCKED, like the little SLUT she IS.

Be on the lookout for the woman who:

1. Doesn’t eat, abuses serious drugs. This is a sign she needs help. Let somebody else deal with it. She’s probably got AIDS anyway.

2. Has children. She will eventually expect you to adopt it. That’s heavy shit, bro.

3. Wants commitment. You’re a wild eagle, man. And eagles gotta be free.

4. Is vegetarian, vegan, religious, political, or otherwise predisposed to strong beliefs of any kind. Eventually, she will force her beliefs upon you and that just won’t do. This is also a sign of independent thought, which is anathema to a healthy relationship.

5. Is against abortion. Since you never use a condom, she will have to be down with the coat hanger one way or another.

If you catch her reading this list[http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml], or anything like it, immediately forbid her from the internet! Material like this will nullify all the do’s and dont’s, inevitably leading your pet girlfriend to think for herself, dissolving her love for you.