ISIS: American Patriots

Rawdah Abdisalaam
Rawdah Abdisalaam left journalism school to pursue a future in American servitude, by joining ISIS.

DENVER, Colo.– ISIS recruit Rawdah Abdisalaam’s twitter account is suspended and none of it is archived anywhere. Considering the United States manufactured #ISIS by bombing Middle Easterners’ homes (after manufacturing their predecessors by arming Afghans who fought against the Soviet Union), it seems like the best thing we could have in response would be their side of the story – at least for laughs, right?

Nope, suspended. We get shitty Newscorp interpretations of events like it’s always been. You know who #ISIS ultimately serves? Lockheed-Martin and Boeing, war machine manufacturers who knew this would happen and worked closely with policy makers to ensure when it does happen, their toys will be purchased even if the budget shrinks. The Pentagon budget has shrunk so much though, they’re now selling war toys to Saudi Arabia for bombing Yemen, and things will continue in that pattern for a while.

ISIS exists to perpetuate a cycle of American profit. Everything they do is to an American company’s profit, especially Boeing and Lockheed-Martin. Although they won’t admit it publicly, this girl who joined ISIS is a “fucking patriot” when they look at what she and her new sand-friends are doing for American bank accounts.

This war is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own everything that matters.

Snowden flees Russia, returns to face prosecution in the US, and reveals sinister Russian deterraforming plot

Why are tremendous methane clathrates exploding across Siberia?
Why are tremendous methane clathrates exploding across Siberia?

ALASKA — Sunday, Edward Snowden was taken into custody by Anchorage Police, arriving in Alaska early in the morning in a black unmarked helicopter. Snowden says he is glad he can now face a fair prosecution, as he hopes his latest documents will vindicate everything.

Snowden spoke, passing out a fresh cache of the most secret White House documents to reporters, “These documents show the White House itself considers terrorism to be mere ‘smoke and mirrors’.”

Snowden looked directly into the cameras and spoke calmly, as police looked on too shocked to stop him from speaking, “America’s most deadly important security threat has been Methane deposits, known as clathrates, that are detonating in Siberia under mysterious conditions. The White House is afraid Vladimir Putin is working with a previously unknown intelligent species living beneath the earth’s crust called the Chelovozyom. In the most terrifying of scenarios, Vladimir Putin and the Chelovozyom are working together to deterraform North America, which will become nothing but deserts and ice within just one generation. There are massive chemtrailing defense programs carried out by the US military to attempt to counteract the effects of climate warfare, but each year of chemtrailing only cancels out the detonation of one methane calthrate, and hundreds of clathrates are detonating each month.

Climatologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “We don’t believe so-called incidental human activated climate change could ever cause the rapid shift in temperatures needed to detonate methane calthrates, and the only explanation possible is purposeful exploitation of these resources to terraform Siberia in a way that is most favorable for Russians and least favorable for North America. So science can back up those claims by Edward Snowden. It is true. North America will be glaciers and deserts very soon, and no amount of chemtrails can stop it now. As for the Chelovozyom, Edward Snowden and seemingly the White House have likely taken some very convincing bait, and I’ll believe it when the Chelovozyom appear on Oprah to greet humanity.”

Supernormatives ‘weren’t happy’ with homocentric Chronicle narrative

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour came under fire when he said Germanwings passengers were “asking for it.”

An Internet psychologist came under fire Wednesday after a controversial news story went viral in which he was quoted saying the Germanwings atrocity was society’s fault.

The Germanwings disaster, Troubadour said, was attributed to co-pilot Andreas Lubitz’s internalization of society’s anal fixation on normalcy, a 21st Century social disease Troubadour calls “supernormality.”

“Just look at his dead eyes,” Schandling said. “Look at his dude-stare.

This, and certainly other normal social pressures in the workplace, triggered the supernormal state in which many school shootings and other murder-suicide plots unfold — a psychological terrain that most contemporary psychology cannot distinguish from so-called sanity until the violence is already done.

Angstrom H. Troubadour

Experts have alleged Dr. Troubadour, who is already currently embroiled in a damaging peer-review scandal, could be receiving funding from a secret homonormative source.

Germanwings co-pilot "just a good old boy," Troubadour says.
Germanwings co-pilot “just a good old boy,” Troubadour says.

Sociologist Larry Schandling of the Internet Chronicle Institute of Common Law said documents show Troubadour received recurring payments between the months of October 2014 and March 2015, presumably to generate case studies which validate and propagate a fiendish homosexual agenda.

“Just look at his dead eyes,” Schandling said. “Look at his dude-stare. Look at it.”

Schandling said Troubadour needs to check his privilege, every single day.

NSA to codify ongoing Fourth Amendment rights violations

NSA Today

NSA HQ
The NSA wants ‘front door’ access to all your favorite websites.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Our watchful overlords have decided it is better not to discontinue illegal domestic spying, but to instead make domestic spying legal. The NSA spies on its citizens, which is illegal, as indicated by their desire to legalize it.

A bit of context:

The collection of private data did not start with governments. It has always been the goal of private corporations to learn more about the public as consumers, so they can more effectively sell shit to us. They know you better than you know you. Of course, this is voluntary. We can decline and pay more for groceries, or see shit we don’t want to see on Facebook, and so on, but why would we do that? For some, privacy is that reason. Most others, however, do not care. The government saw people willingly handing their information to corporations. The power-pigs, corporate enablers as they’re known to be, just knew they should be able to see that corporate-owned data, too.

What now?

The NSA wants tech companies to give it ‘front door’ access to encrypted data, because NSA backdoors already in place simply weren’t enough.

Government bureaucracies are as bad as any bureaucracy. The White House wasn’t “hacked” the other day. The intrusion is owed to a rather typical kind of office dumbass who does not know shit about computers, the type of person who clicks phishing links in their emails and grants backdoor access to Russians. It’s evil when Russians do it. Dirty Russians! They aren’t pure like our perfect secret agents working for NSA.

Moreover, “backdoors” carry all the technophobic hate of a UNIX kernel. The same kind of hate as carried by the Google Webmaster Tools backend, and Ello. It’s probably full of words like API, authentication, and insights, and other techie-sounding words that used to be primary functions of Google tools before every Google feature was reduced to a round button with three lines on it.

Now you can have FRONT DOOR ACCESS! Anybody can walk through a FRONT fucking DOOR! It’s so easy, a Russian could do it! Spying SHOULD be as easy as logging into Facebook and by gum, if it stops terrorists like Germanwings, the Boston bombers, and 9/11, then so fucking be it. Spy on that shit.

The NSA has long since graduated to become a technological insecurity platform dedicated to undoing decades of scientific advancements in the field of cryptography. Now, they want the fruits of their computer crimes – like illegal intrusion and data theft – to be legal, because once that happens, parallel investigations will become the new normal.

What’s next?

Parallel investigations look like this: You smoke a lil weedums. No big deal. Seriously, not even the DEA wants you to stop doing that. Not even the lazy fat bastard of a police officer who pulled you over for a broken taillight cares if you smoke a little pot in front of your Call of Duty. But you also post to a popular, subversive satire site situated in the former Soviet Union. You like to make mean-spirited jokes about the power elite and the ideology that loves them (you fucking cyberterrorist piece of shit).

Most of the time you totally suck at it, but every once in a while you write something that strikes a chord with a lot of people at random times throughout the year, until gradually you become a problem. Suddenly your pot habit becomes a problem, too. Weird how that happens: You see a black SUV in your rearview mirror from time to time, across a span of weeks, to months, until one day agents raid your home, training guns on you. One of them shoots your dog. The rest of them go pilfering through your bongs on a tip, catching you with your brand new fat ounce of danknugs. Isn’t this a violation of your Fourth Amendment rights? Well, not anymore. That’s what the NSA is for, protecting society from people like you. I’ll bet you’re the kind of person that if we watched you long enough, you’d probably do something illegal. Eventually.

Ordinarily, the evidence would be thrown out because the information gathered about your drug activity would be extralegal, or illegal, depending on who you ask. Either way, not admissible in court, unless the NSA gets their legal intrusions. And then all the evidence they’re gathering against us suddenly becomes admissible in a motherfucking court of law.

Justin Bieber wanted for assault in Argentina

Media Credit: justinbieberzone.com
Media Credit: justinbieberzone.com

BUENOS AIRES – JB’s at it again! Pop music’s most punchable face turned the tables on an Argentinian photographer when JB’s violent gang of thugs attacked an innocent paparazzo just doing his job.

Video footage put fans at ease, reassuring young women everywhere JB’s sensitive eyes were shielded from the incident by a thick black sheet.

Once convicted, Justin faces anywhere between one month and six years in a dirty, common South American prison.

Fans argue Justin is too rich and famous to answer to petty charges, and too important to face consequences. The commoner’s attorney, Matias Morla thinks otherwise.

“Now we just need to wait for the police to find him and bring him to Argentina,” Morla said. “For us, this is a triumph against all those who said this case was a bluff and that we didn’t have anything.”

“Supernormality” blamed for Germanwings murder-suicide

Families grasping for meaning after Germanwings attack "aren't happy" at new murder-suicide explanation
Families grasping for meaning after Germanwings attack “aren’t happy” at new murder-suicide explanation

GERMANY — Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Lebal Drocer Institute for community health came forward with a counter-intuitive explanation for the murder-suicide committed by Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz.

Dr. Troubador explained that mental illness is deviation from social norms, whereas the Germanwings atrocity was an ultimate confirmation of norms, saying, “Always in the case of mass murder-suicides, there is great confusion over perpetrators who are, on the one hand committing unreasonable and horrendously violent acts supposedly because of mental illness, but on the other often seem to show no signs of very abnormal sickness on close professional psychological examination. I am of the opinion that Andreas Lubitz and many others inhabit a supernormal identity as they commit the atrocities, which is the very opposite of a mental illness. It appears Lubitz was a closeted gay man, and that a recent trauma and breakup with a cover girlfriend spoiled his great efforts towards normality. This, and certainly other normal social pressures in the workplace, triggered the supernormal state in which many school shootings and other murder-suicide plots unfold — a psychological terrain that most contemporary psychology cannot distinguish from so-called sanity until the violence is already done.”

Dr. Troubador’s remarks caused uproar across a spectrum of health sciences, who read many implications into the theory. Dr. Cecilia Darwin explained, “Dr. Troubador diagnoses a sick society, a collective mind that violently detests itself and thinks sickness is a sign of wellness. It is clever, but what can we do with that? How does it help doctors save lives? Are there signs we should be looking for, or is it as undetectable as Dr. Troubador says? What is so controversial is how unhelpful it is.”